Ah, Chief Dwasaho! I sense that the gulf between me and you is widening. You are hellbent on proving that I am a political minnow by refusing to engage with me. Fair enough.
It is immaterial that I gave up my youth and part of my adulthood (38 years) for this country as an ANC ideologue; I have a prison record to prove it.
I can understand why you won’t pay attention to all old geezers, like me, when some of your new bosom friends and deputy ministers are 32 years old, and your preeminent Cabinet spokesperson and Minister in the Presidency, Madam Khumbudzo “Smoke them out” Ntshavheni is younger than me. I hope she is ecstatic with the haul of 78 bodies of illegal miners from the Stilfontein mine massacre.
Not to mention that some members of Parliament are as old as my firstborn, in their 20s. In any event, I understand; I don’t have US dollars stuffed in my sofa. Honestly, I do not have a safe capable of hiding $580,000 or a couch of that size. Neither do I have, like everyone in the ANC does, “smallanyana [little] skeletons”. I digress.
While you stay silent, the media is tripping over themselves to have me explain your misdemeanours. Mark the date – 3 February 2025, at 8.30pm – when I’ll be live on KykNet, DStv channel 144, dissecting the pre-Sona circus, fresh off the success of Part Three of “Lies You Told Us Since 2018.”
GNU storm
While you were busy with serious statecraft like signing the Expropriation Bill into law, you made DA leader John “Vuli Gate” Steenhuisen lose his cool and voice. Poor thing. The Act provides for “nil” compensation in “certain instances where expropriation with nil compensation may be appropriate in the public interest”. I guess no one remembers the 1913 Natives Land Act.
While the storm was brewing in the Government of National Unity, even the leader of the Patriotic Alliance and Minister of Sport, Arts and Culture Gayton McKenzie claimed the signing of the Bill was akin to being “stabbed in the back”.
Similarly, the DA called for a “reset” of relations with the ANC and declared a “dispute” in terms of a Statement of Intent, which is neither binding nor legally enforceable.
While political games were in full swing, news broke that 13 South African soldiers were mowed down in the eastern Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) by the M23 Rebels backed by Rwanda. We are yet to hear from the head of state on how to prevent further carnage by providing our troops with aerial power.
We have combat aircraft, mos (sic), not serviced, yes, but we can use the “proceeds of buffaloes” US dollars found in the sofa to service at least two Denel Rooivalks as a humanitarian gesture from the highest office in the land. We all know that being the President of the republic is your side hustle; your heart lies in the business of Ankole cattle and buffaloes.
Apologies, my leader, it seems my scatterbrain got the better of me – a condition, I suspect, brought on by the soul-crushing effects of unemployment.
‘Renewal’
This week, I was meant to wax lyrical about the most important resolution of the ANC, “organisational renewal”, one so vital that it probably deserves a national holiday, a commemorative T-shirt, and a five-hour panel discussion on the SABC. I ask for your indulgence.
The resolution emanates from the 52nd National Conference held in December 2007. Since you took the reins donkey’s years ago, you have been singing the hymn of ANC renewal. Earlier this month, while delivering the January 8 Statement, you claimed: “The renewal of the ANC remains the number one priority, while resolving the water crisis, fixing local government, and addressing the economy remain the top priorities among the six tasks for this year.”
In a radical departure from just singing about “renewal”, before the ink could even dry on the January 8 Statement, four ANC bigwigs found themselves in hot water for misdemeanours committed when I was still baby-faced, without a single grey hair in my beard – a time so distant it might as well be archived in the national museum.
Last week, the office of secretary-general Fikile Mbalula dusted off its most official-sounding stationery. It then served Zizi Kodwa, Cedric Frolick, Malusi Gigaba and David Mahlobo with letters demanding their appearance before the party’s National Disciplinary Committee (NDC).
Their crime? Ghosting the first summons to appear before the ANC Integrity Commission, much like teenagers dodging a family meeting. They stand accused of aiding and abetting the Zuma State Capture project.
Mahlobo was accused in the Zondo commission of inquiry into State Capture of being a money bag-man using State Security Agency (SSA) cash to advance the Jacob “uBaba” Zuma nefarious ends.
“Project Commitment” received R2.5-million a month in 2015/16, updated to R4.5-million in 2016/17. What confuses me is that you appointed the same man as deputy minister of water and sanitation last year. Jikijiki (sic) suddenly he must face the NDC for alleged crimes you knew about? Retired Judge Raymond Zondo submitted the final report on 22 June 2022, 953 days before this column was written.
Cedric Frolick will also appear before the NDC while serving as the House chairperson for committees despite the adverse Zondo commission findings. Frolick was accused of playing a critical role in “winning over (ANC’s) Vincent Smith (standing trial), the former chairperson of the portfolio committee on correctional services and justice”, and receiving a monthly benefit of R40,000 from Bosasa, of Watson family fame.
Streetwise Zizi, aka Zizi Kodwa, stood before Judge Zondo and admitted to being a kept man. The former ANC spokesperson and SSA/sport, arts, and culture minister confirmed that ex-EOH executive Jehan Mackay “borrowed” him a staggering R1-million loan, and he used his properties in Cape Town willy-nilly without any quid pro quo. What a lucky chap.
When I grow up, I want friends like Mackay or even Streetwise Zizi. I am not fussy. Poor Zizi is unemployed; now he is facing the NDC; talk about when it rains, it pours.
Malusi Gigaba, famous for a leaked amateur video in which he was playing with his nether regions, swanky suits and being a Gupta lackey, was recently returned to the National Assembly and given a promotion as a co-chairperson of the Joint Standing Committee on Defence. This is despite the Zondo commission finding that “…Gigaba had a close relationship with the Gupta family and was instrumental in advancing their interests within state-owned enterprises”. He was “prepared to do wrong for the Guptas or Mr Zuma, indicating a willingness to act against legal and ethical norms to benefit the family”.
Bosasa lackeys, Mantashe security systems – and the Ramaphosa dollars
Strangely enough, the Bosasa lackeys have emerged unscathed, with Nomvula Mokonyane sitting pretty literally at Loothuli House. The Zondo commission found that she received R50,000 a month from Bosasa over several years – pocket money, really; the bounty included a lavish birthday bash, whisky and chicken braai packs.
Yet, instead of facing the political wilderness, she currently serves as the ANC’s first deputy secretary-general, a position she secured during the ANC’s 55th National Conference held in 2022. One might call it a fall upward.
Another Bosasa beneficiary (not charged) is the “Tiger” Gwede Mantashe, the minister of mineral and petroleum resources, who found himself under a rather uncomfortable spotlight courtesy of Judge Zondo after Bosasa generously installed top-tier security systems at not one, not two, but three of his homes, free of charge. Of course, the minister vehemently denied any wrongdoing, insisting he had nothing to do with the upgrades and didn’t ask for such generous security perks. Angelo Agrizzi, former Bosasa COO, estimated the total cost as being north of R650,000 for all three sites.
Another missing name on the NDC charge list is one President Cyril Matamela Ramaphosa for stuffing his sofa with $580,000, failing to bank it (foreign currency) within the required time and failing to report it to the nearest police station after it was stolen.
Till next week, my man. Send me to Loothuli House for political education so I can understand the nitty-gritty of the renewal project. DM