Dear readers, compatriots, and would-be Zuma wives. 

It has been a while since I have written to you, and for this I must apologise. I try as much as I can to avoid excusing my shortcomings, but in this case, askies tog. Lately I have found myself totally incapacitated; unable to do anything or contemplate any other matter other than the great conundrum of our time: which Zuma is the right Zuma for me?

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that, just like me, most of you – if not all of you – overflowed with rapturous ecstasy on 16 December 2023, upon hearing the news that our country’s single most beloved politicking human, the benevolent Jacob G Zuma, would be leaving the ANC to build a new home, a sanctuary, a piece of heaven if you will, for us, his most faithful followers. 

I for one will never forget the moment I heard the news; Matthew 18:3-5 suddenly came to mind: “Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” I immediately knew mine and my fellow Zuma followers’ toddler-esque faith was being validated in real-time. 

Umkhonto Wesizwe, the Spear of the Nation, was born. I fell in love with that name and for weeks I wondered how he came up with it, and finally  I realised that he was probably inspired by the title of that Brett Murray painting. So amazing of him to give a nod to great South African art.

As if the arrival of uMkhonto Wesizwe was not the best news since the dawn of the partially-used-but-now-as-good-as-new South Africa, it was confirmed a little over a month later that his surgically mohawked progeny, his phenomenally brilliant son, daddy’s little Dudu, would not be joining us, but would be starting his own party, the All Game Changers (AGC). How exciting!!!

Which Zuma is the right Zuma for me? The thought continues to haunt me as it surely haunts your waking hours too. “Please say I can vote for both,” you might wonder. “If I vote for Zuma the Father, can I still ask Zuma the Son for one of those cool AGC T-shirts?” Yes, I think you can, such is the generosity of the Zumas. 

Know that this is a tough one for me too. Before us lies a truly Zumangous task. 

I truly love Zuma the Father, and being a very religious person, his recent utterances about how he ended load shedding during his presidency have taught me so much about faith in action, for as the book of Hebrews 11:1 tells us: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” 

Former president Jacob Zuma supports his son Duduzane at the Johannesburg Commercial Crimes Court, where he faced charges of fraud and corruption on 24 January 2019. (Photo: Gallo Images / Netwerk24 / Felix Dlangamandla)

As for Zuma the Son, although he has confirmed the existence of AGC, there is neither a website nor an easily accessible manifesto. It is reportedly only being forwarded via WhatsApp groups. Brilliant! I love this for him and the AGC. Besides being a fabulously elite way to pass the manifesto along, he is also teaching us not to take these manifestos too seriously. Otherwise, we’ll end up making the mistake of basing our votes on them. 

Seriously, ask your friends who based their 2019 vote on party manifestos how that’s going for them. No, my fellow Zuma-Zamas, rather pay a bit more attention to what comes out of their mouths than what some poorly informed and overpaid copywriters wrote for them. 

Just this year, Zuma the Father, ender of load shedding, champion of patriarchy, most generous lover and legendary procreator of legends, has openly questioned the value of democracy, motivated for changing the laws under which he was investigated and charged, and indicated that he would be open to removing constitutional protections for the rights of LGBTQI South Africans. All stuff he’ll soon probably repeat at a rally near you. Personally, I’d rather believe the man’s own words than some manifesto. Such an open and honest man.   

As eminently wise as I am, I remain torn between these two amazing options. I respect the experience that comes with wielding a Spear as legendary as Zuma the Father’s, but I sometimes wonder if, given a chance to show off his handiwork with a Spear, if perhaps the younger and better moisturised, bench-pressing 40-year-old Zuma might not deliver a more potent thrust, time and again. My cup runneth over just thinking about it! DM