Maverick Life

SATIRICALLY SPEAKING

Which Zuma is the right Zuma for me?

Which Zuma is the right Zuma for me?
Illustrative image: Maverick Life. Images: (L) Former Deputy president Jacob Zuma. Photo by Gallo Images). Duduzane Zuma (R) at the Randburg Magistrates court in Johannesburg (Photo by Gallo Images / Beeld / Deaan Vivier),

We have been blessed with not one, but two Zumas to possibly lead us after the elections. One nation, two Spears! What a time to be alive?!?!

Dear readers, compatriots, and would-be Zuma wives. 

It has been a while since I have written to you, and for this I must apologise. I try as much as I can to avoid excusing my shortcomings, but in this case, askies tog. Lately I have found myself totally incapacitated; unable to do anything or contemplate any other matter other than the great conundrum of our time: which Zuma is the right Zuma for me?

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that, just like me, most of you – if not all of you – overflowed with rapturous ecstasy on 16 December 2023, upon hearing the news that our country’s single most beloved politicking human, the benevolent Jacob G Zuma, would be leaving the ANC to build a new home, a sanctuary, a piece of heaven if you will, for us, his most faithful followers. 

I for one will never forget the moment I heard the news; Matthew 18:3-5 suddenly came to mind: “Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” I immediately knew mine and my fellow Zuma followers’ toddler-esque faith was being validated in real-time. 

Umkhonto Wesizwe, the Spear of the Nation, was born. I fell in love with that name and for weeks I wondered how he came up with it, and finally  I realised that he was probably inspired by the title of that Brett Murray painting. So amazing of him to give a nod to great South African art.

As if the arrival of uMkhonto Wesizwe was not the best news since the dawn of the partially-used-but-now-as-good-as-new South Africa, it was confirmed a little over a month later that his surgically mohawked progeny, his phenomenally brilliant son, daddy’s little Dudu, would not be joining us, but would be starting his own party, the All Game Changers (AGC). How exciting!!!

Which Zuma is the right Zuma for me? The thought continues to haunt me as it surely haunts your waking hours too. “Please say I can vote for both,” you might wonder. “If I vote for Zuma the Father, can I still ask Zuma the Son for one of those cool AGC T-shirts?” Yes, I think you can, such is the generosity of the Zumas. 

Know that this is a tough one for me too. Before us lies a truly Zumangous task. 

I truly love Zuma the Father, and being a very religious person, his recent utterances about how he ended load shedding during his presidency have taught me so much about faith in action, for as the book of Hebrews 11:1 tells us: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” 

Zuma

Former president Jacob Zuma supports his son Duduzane at the Johannesburg Commercial Crimes Court, where he faced charges of fraud and corruption on 24 January 2019. (Photo: Gallo Images / Netwerk24 / Felix Dlangamandla)

As for Zuma the Son, although he has confirmed the existence of AGC, there is neither a website nor an easily accessible manifesto. It is reportedly only being forwarded via WhatsApp groups. Brilliant! I love this for him and the AGC. Besides being a fabulously elite way to pass the manifesto along, he is also teaching us not to take these manifestos too seriously. Otherwise, we’ll end up making the mistake of basing our votes on them. 

Seriously, ask your friends who based their 2019 vote on party manifestos how that’s going for them. No, my fellow Zuma-Zamas, rather pay a bit more attention to what comes out of their mouths than what some poorly informed and overpaid copywriters wrote for them. 

Just this year, Zuma the Father, ender of load shedding, champion of patriarchy, most generous lover and legendary procreator of legends, has openly questioned the value of democracy, motivated for changing the laws under which he was investigated and charged, and indicated that he would be open to removing constitutional protections for the rights of LGBTQI South Africans. All stuff he’ll soon probably repeat at a rally near you. Personally, I’d rather believe the man’s own words than some manifesto. Such an open and honest man.   

As eminently wise as I am, I remain torn between these two amazing options. I respect the experience that comes with wielding a Spear as legendary as Zuma the Father’s, but I sometimes wonder if, given a chance to show off his handiwork with a Spear, if perhaps the younger and better moisturised, bench-pressing 40-year-old Zuma might not deliver a more potent thrust, time and again. My cup runneth over just thinking about it! DM

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Comments - Please in order to comment.

  • Beyond Fedup says:

    None of these two odious and rapacious crooks and misfits! It is the last thing that SA needs! Nothing but parasites, criminals and traitors.

    • Kenneth FAKUDE says:

      This is the one peaceful article where we all have to agree on hell no, we got enough of both Zuma’s in their glorious days of state capture.
      Perhaps in the near future we will understand why in world democracies there is a limit on parties that register for elections.
      What we see now as a wide variety for choice could prove to be a recipe for chaos, time will tell.

    • Kenneth FAKUDE says:

      This is the one peaceful article where we all have to agree on hell no, we got enough of both Zuma’s in their glorious days of state capture.
      Perhaps in the near future we will understand why in world democracies there is a limit on parties that register for elections.
      What we see now as a wide variety for choice could prove to be a recipe for chaos, time will tell.

  • Troy Marshall says:

    Me and other Me gonna see Mr Head Doctor. No worries, Me and other Me will pay two fees for combining the consultation. Gonna get Me and other Me the correct documents detailing schizophrenic condition. Me and other Me gonna go to Home Affairs, get Me new ID card, get other Me new ID card. Me and other Me will make special representation to IEC to be put on voters roll.
    We are squabbling over which Zuma who get’s to X for, but we’ll take care of both, and we swear, even though we live in KZN, we are politically mature and we will not get aggro about it.

  • JDW 2023 says:

    One has to laugh and this article is the tonic needed to do so. Dankie.

  • Ed Rybicki says:

    More power to the thrust! 😁 Very funny.

  • Kanu Sukha says:

    Mali maketh a mistake … which doesn’t happen often … even on french leave ! My option would be the 3rd Zuma … completing the trinity … Khulubuse the Zumangous ! Where else can you get two (literally and figuratively!) for the price of one ?

  • T'Plana Hath says:

    John 11: 33(b): “Jesus LOL’d”.

  • Gavin Knox says:

    Gosh, need the question even be asked… neither… none… not one… that entire extended family is tainted… no.. its.. (better not say) … the entire lot should be confined to their Zululand compounds, all the exes included… safe in the knowledge that their fire pool will sustain their water needs…. they are all guilty by association… and have nothing of value to offer our country…. nothing but misery.

  • Dermot Quinn says:

    brilliant, just brilliant

  • Ben Wilson says:

    I vommed in my mouth a little as I read that headline, your saving grace was the tag being Satiracally speaking.

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