ELON MUSK

In 2023, I will come to terms with the reality that being a billionaire engineer does not mean I have a flipping clue about how to control the world’s most feral social media platform. I will graciously step away from Twitter and return my focus to the establishment of space colonies and putting chips in people’s brains. Also, even though I had such a miserable childhood in my homeland of South Africa, I will give serious thought to donating loads and loads of money to good causes there, such as Gift of the Givers.

Former president Jacob Zuma at the ANC’s 55th national conference at Nasrec in Johannesburg, on 16 December 2022. (Photo: Leila Dougan)

JACOB ZUMA

I know I say this every year, but this year I really mean it. The year 2023 is when I will finally just embrace my retirement and fade peacefully from the public consciousness. I won’t give any more weird press conferences fronted by Jimmy Manyi. I’ll stop claiming that I fixed load shedding, only for Cyril to break Eskom again. I will immediately cease my attempts to prosecute journalists and I will never again announce my availability to run for national office. Instead, I will sit on my stoep at Nkandla, enjoying the view, having a nice cup of tea and teaching my grandchildren how to play chess.

President Cyril Ramaphosa at the opening of the ANC’s 55th national conference at Nasrec in Johannesburg on 16 December 2022. (Photo: Leila Dougan)

CYRIL RAMAPHOSA

I will check all my furniture for money. I’m talking every couch, armchair, ottoman, every damn footstool. I will also look under carpets, in drawers, inside tissue boxes and behind picture frames. I will personally root around, in and under every piece of upholstery I own to make sure there are no further millions in foreign currency stashed away that I or a member of my staff may have somehow forgotten to inform authorities about. In response to popular demand, I will also post more pictures of my pet husky on Instagram.

On the outrage at DA leader John Steenhuisen’s ‘roadkill’ comment, Helen Zille says Twitter is not a voters’ roll. (Photo: Leila Dougan)

HELEN ZILLE

I know I say this every year, but this year I really mean it. The year 2023 is when I will finally just embrace my retirement and fade peacefully from the public consciousness. I will recognise that the DA is capable of making decisions without me, even if those decisions are definitely the wrong ones, in my opinion. I will hand over coalition negotiations to someone else and let them mess it up on their own. I will no longer undermine the party’s stated policy direction with my rage-filled Tweeting binges. Instead, I will sit on my stoep in Rondebosch, enjoying the view, having a nice cup of tea and teaching my grandchildren how to play chess.

Suspended Public Protector Busisiwe Mkhwebane. (Photo: Gallo Images / Daily Maverick / Leila Dougan)

BUSISIWE MKHWEBANE

New year, new me! 2023 calls for a career change. After being impeached by Parliament, I will hand over all my Public Protector official stuff to my successor in a totally cordial and non-sabotagey way, taking care not to shred any important documents. I’ll stop tweeting about being victimised by the Ramaphosa administration and post lots of pictures of sunsets with inspirational quotes instead. Having established that any involvement in the legal profession is not for me, I will do a TEFL course and go teach English in Guangzhou.

Janusz Waluś, Chris Hani’s killer, during his amnesty hearing at Benoni Town Hall in 1997. (Photo: Gallo Images / Oryx Media Archive)

JANUSZ WALUŚ

As soon as I am permitted to do so by the authorities, I will board a plane to Poland – economy class, indirect flight, seat right next to the toilets – and never set foot in South Africa again. When back in Poland, I will ignore the overtures of neo-Nazi groups and football hooligans wanting to celebrate me as a hero. I will not know about them, anyway, because I vow not to own a smartphone or communicate via the internet in any way. I will live out the rest of my days in silence as much as possible, talking only to complain about the terrible Polish weather.

The Duke and Duchess have revealed a host of previously unseen photographs for the documentary. (Photo: Courtesy of Prince Harry and Meghan, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex / Netflix)

HARRY AND MEGHAN

The main thing we’re pledging to do differently in 2023 is as follows: we’re going to stop complaining about unwanted media attention on our family while simultaneously releasing nonstop media projects about our family on the biggest platforms in the world. We see now how that seems a bit irritating, all things considered. We also recognise that we have a jolly nice life indeed in our California mansion with a full-time staff retinue, so we resolve to stop acting as if we are heroic political prisoners in exile. We are, in fact, quite #blessed.

THE ESKOM SABOTEURS

We’ve had a lot of fun cutting important pipes and unscrewing critical valves and snipping indispensable wires at our nation’s power stations. We’ve really enjoyed deliberately damaging bits of infrastructure so that our tjommies have to be called in to fix things at a hefty price and we end up taking home a tasty piece of the pie. But we’re done with all that now. In 2023, we’re going to realise that sabotaging Eskom is literally treason and we’re going to stop f**cking doing it. We will also hand ourselves over to the authorities to submit to whatever the 2022 version of a public flogging is in a liberal democracy.

Illustrative image | Sources: Russian President Vladimir Putin. (Photo: EPA-EFE / Konstantin Zavrazhin / Sputnik / Kremlin Pool) | iStock

VLADIMIR PUTIN

My New Year’s resolution is to stop trying to compensate for the size of my tiny manhood by annexing sovereign territories. In 2023, I will seek different ways to prove my masculinity. These might include playing video games; digging a really big hole; improving my golf handicap; more ice fishing; leaving snarky comments on Russian Reddit. All of these will be more personally fulfilling in terms of manifesting my virility than my half-baked Ukrainian invasion, which I will end forthwith. I will also never send another ship bearing sinister cargo to Simon’s Town, South Africa, as I recognise that there are few forces more powerful than old people with binoculars and a lot of time on their hands.

South African head coach Rassie Erasmus at OR Tambo International Airport as the Springboks returned from Japan after winning the 2019 Rugby World Cup. (Photo: EPA-EFE / Str)

RASSIE ERASMUS

I promise to swap my iPhone for a Nokia 3310, and whenever I get the urge to tweet I will play Snake instead. DM168

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