Defence Minister Thandi “The Pig Whisperer” Modise recently returned from a triumphant turn at the 10th Moscow Conference on International Security, where she spoke out strongly against war and warlordism and in favour of peace and multilateralism.

We tried to get hold of her to elaborate on her wise and comforting comments, but she has just jetted off to the World Conference on What to Do When Your Military Has Declined into Utter Uselessness, hosted jointly by Zimbabwe and Iran, conveners of the successful outing a few year ago that was titled How to Turn Your Military into a State-stripping Mafia in 10 Easy Steps. It is not clear when, or in fact if, she will return.

Yet, DM168, being as resourceful as it is, managed to obtain an off-the-record briefing/debriefing by Minister Modise’s special adviser, who will for these purposes be known only by his nom de guerre, AK-48 (because an AK-48 is even better than an AK-47!). Here is what he/she/it/they told us.

DM: So, a powerful call to the world to stop war and warlordism from the minister. And, really, a cri de coeur for multilateralism and not taking sides, right? Is there perhaps a danger that when she spoke of how “through our own silence in action and selective morality we have allowed warlords to reign supreme in the world and thus allowed their deadly agendas to flourish unabated” she could be seen to be, in fact, addressing Russian Tsar Vlad Putin, who as we know is conducting harmless military exercises in Ukraine but is viewed by the Western Imperialist New World Order as a warmongering mass murderer? Pretty much the definition of a warlord?

AK: First, DM168, let me congratulate you on your use of French expressions – twice already in one article! And in adjacent paragraphs! As someone who collaborated with the French on some of their, er, special projects, back in the days when the Struggle was on and technically we were on different sides, I have to note that, er, félicité. Second, though, to answer your question – or questions, really, because there are several hidden questions in there, no? The answer is yes.

DM: Yes?

AK: Yes. As in yes, her comments will deliberately be twisted by the Western Imperialist MainStream Media to mean exactly the opposite of what they truly mean.

DM: So they’re not a call to end war and the flattening of whole cities and the murder of children and so forth? And she’s actually opposed to multilateralism?

AK: No.

DM: No? You just said yes.

AK: Ah, well, I think you’re slipping into the ways of thinking that have been inculcated in you, my dear DM168, by the Western Imperialist MainStream Media Brainwashing Project, trademarked by the CIA. I think even you have been dimly aware for some time that you are being handled, and I mean handled as in puppeted, puppeteered, marionetted, by a distant, hidden hand.

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DM: [momentarily at a loss for words, but ultimately managing to croak a word out] Really?

AK: Oh, it has been very well established.

DM: If that is the case, what’s the point of DM168 talking to you?

AK: Well, that’s how it works, this subtle brainwashing project and the way that we, as the Forces of World Revolution disguised as the Forces of Counter-revolution, or perhaps it’s the other way around, are opposing it through the very means that it attempts to mobilise against us! Besides, it can never work – for those who see with the eyes of truth will, in the end, see the truth in whatever you write.

DM: Thank you, AK. We take that as a vote of confidence. So, to the background on this consommé, sorry, I mean consummate, intervention by the minister at the, er, conference of, er…

AK: International Security. Yes, well, no, I think a lot of interesting things emerged. Particularly behind the scenes, and I was of course behind the scenes – that’s where I am most comfortable, because of my long training in the Stasi, KGB, NAT, Mbokodo, National Intelligence (SA), Crime Intelligence (Zuma Brigade) and the State Security Agency, of course, though also because I am wanted in various jurisdictions under various names for crimes ranging from attempted (I emphasise “attempted”) assassination, gun-running, racketeering, money laundering, and fomenting insurrection and looting. But that’s just by way of bona fides. The most important thing, I think, was the revelation of the superwarriors.

DM: Sorry? Superwarriors?

AK: Yes, indeed, this is shortly to become public. But the Great Tsar of All the Russias Including Some Bits that Aren’t Really Russia revealed this extraordinary discovery in private, at a private dinner with Minister Modise and a small handful of defence ministers from such heroic places as North Korea. Those biolabs in Ukraine? You know, the ones that have been funded and run by the CIA since the so-called Fall of Communism? The ones that the Glorious Russian Army captured and removed the contents of to a hidden location somewhere in Siberia, while they were performing the amazing distraction of bombing Kyiv and pretending to get stuck in the mud on the way there?

DM: Er … yes … or no…

AK: Well, what the Tsar discovered was that in those secret biolabs the CIA’s Dr Frankensteins had developed, by means of evil bacteria and nanobots and vaccines and so on, a new cadre of superwarriors – and it is these superwarriors who have been thrashing the Russian army on the battlefield for the past six months. They were made in the lab by the CIA!

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DM: So it’s not that the Russian army is really just a pretty useless thing with hordes of pimply youngsters who really don’t want to fight at all, whose weapons and tanks are so old they would’ve failed during World War 2, and whose so-called offensive has been pushed back by a determined and highly motivated Ukrainian resistance?

AK: Ah, no, well, that’s the Western Imperialist MainStream Media narrative, isn’t it? It seems you don’t believe me… But you will see. That Western technology will be turned against it, and Russia will soon generate its own superwarriors to fight back against Western Imperialism and the Indiscriminate Spread of Democracy. Yes, you will see the Great Tsar at the head of his great army of superwarriors, and at his side, arrayed in garments of light, will be…

DM: Yes, yes?

AK: Thandi Modise. Superwarrior. DM168

Shaun de Waal is a writer and editor.