Ah, Chief Dwasaho! Here I am, sounding like a scratched record again. Daily Maverick readers deserve better than a writer caught in this cesspool of repeating shame, yet here we are.
Apparently, between 2014 and 2018, South African Football Association (Safa) president, His Excellency Dr Danny Jordaan, siphoned off a tidy R1.3-million of Safa’s funds for his own indulgences, according to the indictment from the National Procrastination Authority (NPA).
According to Perplexity AI, this ANC “don” of SA football — our self-styled King Jordaan — took four years, or 2,104,000 minutes, or 1,461 days, to pilfer funds totalling R889.73 per day. That’s not even enough to cover dinner for two at the Pretoria Country Club’s premier spot!
So, where’s the lie about the ANC cadre’s unfortunate lack of Pure Mathematics and Accounting skills? Who in their right mind steals R889.73 per day from the till? And why did he stop in 2018? Only the Hawks can shed light on that oddity; sooner would be better than later.
But the tale doesn’t end there. The King of SafaLand had company in this grand scheme or scam. Enter Gronie Hluyo, Safa’s chief financial officer, and Trevor Neethling, “journalist-turned-businessman”.
Now, can we talk about Neethling’s “businessman” credentials? Sharing R889.73 per day among the three of them hardly qualifies. Let’s not lower our standards and start calling everyone a businessman. We’re facing a trio of nincompoops posing as the leadership of our football, the supposed guardians of our cherished Bafana Bafana. These people are trusted with the heart of our nation’s game, yet here they are, leaving us to pick up the pieces while they played us for fools.
Zizi Kodwa & Andrew Chauke
My leader, there’s no need to sound all philosophical or cry to the gods, invoking Alan Paton’s Cry, the Beloved Country. King Jordaan must call his chum Zizi Kodwa, who treated our justice system like a drive-through — making his first court appearance on 5 June, and voilà, his case was withdrawn on 1 November.
In essence, it took four months and 29 days for Comrade Zizi to secure the proverbial bag of R1.6-million “gifted” to him by his benefactor — not “businessman” — EOH’s former boss Jehan Mackay. In the bigger scheme of things, I owe Comrade Zizi an apology. He knows his shit.
Interestingly, Zizi’s charges were withdrawn after he presented “Ivy League”-level representations to Gauteng’s Director of Public Prosecutions, Andrew Chauke. Chauke, with his chequered past and secure tenure until age 65, will remain in the NPA long after the silent advocate Shamila Batohi’s term ends.
Under Chauke’s watch, prosecutions in South Gauteng — particularly in the Specialised Commercial Crime Unit — have nearly collapsed, dropping from 183 in 2019/20 to a mere 60 in 2022/23, alongside a commensurate decline in convictions, from 167 to just 46.
According to Dr Jean Redpath, a senior researcher at the Dullah Omar Institute, University of the Western Cape, infamously, Chauke’s name, as well as that of Nomgcobo Jiba (fired by President Cyril Ramaphosa in 2019 after the Mokgoro inquiry) and “that woman down in Natal” (a reference to Moipone Noko) were all mentioned in the 2015 recording tendered at the Zondo Commission by Angelo Agrizzi of former Bosasa CEO Gavin Watson talking about the possibilities for the appointment of a compliant National Director of Public Prosecutions by Jacob Zuma.
uBaba running wild
At the risk of being sued (not that I care — my son passed his board exams just yesterday), Chauke seems like the kind of guy you’d want on speed dial. King Jordaan should make him his acquaintance in two shakes of a lamb’s tail; he too might qualify for a justice 24-hour drive-through, which, after all, uBaba (Zuma) practically invented.
According to the Department of Correctional Services, National Commissioner Makgothi Thobakgale reported that Zuma arrived at the prison at 6am on Friday, 11 August 2023, where he was processed under the special “Zuma remission” arrangement. In less than two hours, he was out.
He isn’t even on parole due to the special remission tailored for him, yet is already back in the political fray, wreaking havoc despite the initial claim on 5 September 2021: “Medical parole eligibility for the former President was impelled by a medical report received by the Department of Correctional Services. Beyond being terminally ill and physically incapacitated, inmates suffering from an illness that severely limits their daily activity or self-care may also be considered for medical parole.”
Fast forward to today, and uBaba appears fit as a fiddle, running wild as he assembles his rogue unit — a tight-knit team of VBS, Transnet, Prasa and Eskom plunderers — ready to resume looting, now dressed in parliamentary attire and tucked comfortably within his family’s stokvel. I digress.
Trump & government efficiency
My leader, we should focus on stately matters now that Zizi and King Jordaan have truly Trumped us. President-elect, His Excellency, the Admiral, the 47th US President and Commander-in-Thief himself, Donald Trump, has announced the creation of a new “Department of Government Efficiency”, appointing South African-born billionaire Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy to lead this initiative.
The department aims to dismantle bureaucracy, reduce excessive regulations, and restructure federal agencies, with a target completion date of 4 July 2026, coinciding with the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. Trump likened this effort to “The Manhattan Project of our time”, emphasising its significance in transforming government operations.
Knowing me by now, my leader, I am a great fan of efficiency and have love-and-hate relationships with civil servants, not much civility in their conduct. Take the headlines this week alone: Parliament employees are set for a windfall; until 2018, the workers, now full-time parliamentary staff, had been employed by service providers whose contracts were not renewed by Parliament.
Following negotiations with the National Education, Health and Allied Workers’ Union, the incorporated staff, including cleaners and other low-category workers, can expect to earn R350,000 by 2026, up from the R170,00 they earn now. To put this in perspective, a police constable earns R18,000, but Parliament waitrons and cleaners will earn R28,000 by March 2026.
This illustrates a point I have been trying to hammer home. This country needs a Common Sense Department, and a dearth of leadership persists even in the Government of National Unity era. Our country is gripped by crime and corruption, yet we’re busy placating trade unions to cover up another flop relating to Xolile George, the Secretary to the National Assembly, whose salary jumped from R2.6-million to R4.4-million just months after his 2022 appointment — a 70% increase approved by then Speaker Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula, herself entangled in court scandals. As of now, it’s anyone’s guess what parliamentary staff do. Didn’t the whole Parliament burn down?
Gravy train rolls on
Another anomaly is that more than a quarter of South Africa’s 3,800 municipal ward councillors lack matric qualifications. Still, these office bearers are entrusted to administer more than R500-billion of taxpayers’ money.
Figures show that a councillor in a Grade 6 municipality earns approximately 32.17 times more than a police constable (R18,000 per month at R579,133 for a Grade 6 municipality per annum). A mayor and speaker of a Grade 6 municipality where no minimum requirements are required earn a whopping R1,141,930 and R1,248,895, respectively. Despite the “investment”, we’re still plagued by water shortages, growing informal settlements, food poisoning outbreaks, load reduction and potholed roads. Villages lack water and sanitation, cities aren’t investment-ready and raw sewage pollutes our rivers and living spaces.
Don’t get me started on the 9,309 senior managers on the government payroll, earning between R1,076,222 and R1,984,885, with 2,412 being “unqualified” as of 2022. Not even the talking heads on the TV could tell what these “senior managers” do daily.
Instead of following Trump’s example, let's have a Department of Common Sense led by two seasoned entrepreneurs: Brian Joffe, the founder of the Bidvest Group, and Adrian Gore, the founder of Discovery Holdings. Design new remuneration standards, cut red tape and set the country on a path to recovery. Excuse my clumsiness; leadership, I forgot about affirmative action.
Till next week, my man, send me again. DM