Ah, Chief Dwasaho! I must admit, my jealousy knows no bounds. Long before your private jet from Russia touched down at Gupta Airport — ah, sorry, Waterkloof Airbase to the uninitiated — news had already spread like wildfire.
You, Mr President Cyril Matamela Ramaphosa, will be hosting the G20+ European Union (EU) and African Union (AU) leaders next year. By modest estimates, that’s around 40 heads of state converging on our soil in Sandton, nogal. Quite the spectacle!
This comes barely hours after the much-anticipated reunion with your BRICS+ cronies, including the ever-elusive kleptocrat Vladimir Putin, who seems to evade justice like a cat (not our cat, DD Mabuza) with nine lives; you’re now courting the world’s real political elite.
My word, Matamela, are you playing both sides of the chessboard? You’re the perfect embodiment of political dexterity.
Who could have imagined that a young boy from the dusty streets of Soweto would one day be hobnobbing with the wealthiest colonial descendants — those experts in slave management, mineral plundering and late-stage philanthropy? These are the same folks who now so graciously give aid to nations they once robbed blind.
The irony, chief, is so thick you could cut it with a knife. And then there are the oil-producing powerhouses who speak democracy by day and trample it by night.
As of 2024, the G20 countries — including the super-colonialists (United Kingdom, Italy, Portugal, France, Belgium, Germany, and, to a lesser extent, the United States, who still engage in “colonialism of a special type”) — account for approximately 85% of the world’s Gross Domestic Product (GDP) and over 75% of global trade.
Moreover, these nations represent around two-thirds of the global population and, dare I say, 90% of the colonial historical plunder of Africa’s minerals, taxes, murder, rape, theft, money laundering, and human trafficking of Africans.
How I wish I were making this up, but the only distinction I got in my undergraduate years was for Contemporary History taught by a German woman. I had a German scholarship, whose purpose was to educate Africans on how to prevent, guess what — the deterioration of democracy, mass murder, and, yes, avoid a repeat of the gas chambers.
But as you know all too well, BRICS (Brazil, Russia, India, China, and South Africa + new friends) are hot on the heels of the G20 to emerge as the new superpowers. It’s more difficult now since slavery isn’t shown on television or discussed over dinner.
What was once plunder is now politely called “trade, aid and investment”, and we must do our politics so well — neoliberalism, that is — to not frighten the investors. In other words, the same people we sell bonds to. We must always invest in improving their mood, now called “investor confidence”.
But amid all this, the rise of BRICS+ offers a glimmer of hope in the changing global power dynamics, except the warmonger, the Kremlin, seems hellbent on upsurging America by the number of troops fighting wars of conquest abroad in the 21st century. Bizarre. But I digress.
Political education
My leader, the ANC National Executive Committee had its own “aha” moment this week: all cadres need political education. This is a significant step towards a more informed and responsible leadership. I fail to see why this brilliant move is limited to the ANC when plenty more “cadres” are in need within the Government of National Unity. Please reconsider, my leader.
I am no curriculum design specialist but hear me out. One of the modules should be Pure Mathematics and Financial Accounting 101. Here, cadres must be taught, using a case study by the Minister of Justice and Constitutional Development, Thembi Simelane, how not to diversify one’s income, investment decision-making, and understanding the interest charged on loans.
According to her calculations, she “borrowed” R575,600 and repaid R849,000, giving the lender who did a rolling trade with her municipality a cool R273,400 interest (profit). One line in the module must explain the importance of avoiding not just the conflict of interest, but the mere possibility of conflict of interest; I know it’s a higher grade, but cadres must learn.
My leader, a compulsory module must be The Quantum of Liberating Money (stealing) from government coffers to the private hands of spouses or, in some instances, comrades’ bank accounts. The threshold shall be set at R2-billion, with R1-billion ringfenced for lawyers to minimise petty theft and unnecessary drama of appearing in the courts over peanuts.
Dodging accountability
All cadres must also study a module (Zuma Law 101) on how to avoid your day in court through immersive learning — a weekend in Nkandla, “KwaDakwadunuse” with uBaba.
Lunch by the fire pool will include a few tips on fundraising for legal fees. Advocate Dali Mpofu SC can explain in detail matters such as interlocutory applications, privately prosecuting a prosecutor (even when you know you’ll lose), creating an imaginary conflict of interest, and challenging arrest warrants, search and seizure, and keeping the Asset Forfeiture Unit at bay.
He’ll also address pertinent matters such as making representations to the Director of Public Prosecutions to avoid prosecution and finally applying for discharge if you are unlucky enough to end up at trial — whether after the prosecution serves the indictment or closes its case, whichever suits the lawyers.
Of course, all this is pointless if you don’t appeal and appeal again, all the way to the Constitutional Court. Rule number one: never apply for direct access to the Constitutional Court — it defeats the purpose of Zuma Law 101. As a rule, you must practice the Stalingrad Strategy and Mpofuism (using the courts for political posturing). It is essential to have supporters outside the court, where you profess your innocence and claim the charges are “politically motivated”. Ironically, this is true because all legal troubles of “comrades” stem from their political standing, proximity to power, or holding political power itself.
Ostentation 101
The most important module is Radical Concepts of Political Morality and Humility. In this course, we tackle the essential lesson that you cannot drive a “borrowed” armoured Mercedes-AMG G63 to an election campaign trail in an informal settlement. The course, which is designed to instil a sense of ethical conduct and humility in our political leaders, shall be compulsory and must be offered by the National School of Government to all ministers, deputy ministers, mayors, and deputy mayors.
If you qualify for VIP protection, this course is a must for you.
For the Minister of Sport, Arts and Bragging about being a former bank robber and wealthy, Gayton McKenzie, there’s no need to splurge a staggering R454,005 for ground transport. According to perplexity.ai, hiring a Maserati in Paris for a week costs a more reasonable R35,376.64. Pure mathematics suggests hiring up to 12 Maseratis for a week with that amount. And honestly, if you’re so rich, why not cover your “ground transport” expenses?
This module must also extend to hotel stays (no private chefs, no slay queens). No one should accept the gifting of luxury cars, and living in someone else’s mansion must be strictly prohibited.
At its core, the module on humility requires office bearers, “our leaders”, to have a bond registered in their names and to live in that property under SAPS’s watchful eye. Following the principle of “no free lunch”, no leader — inside or outside government — should accept any gift exceeding R350 per month. Furthermore, a leader must have no relationship, whether sexual, platonic, or financial, with service providers contracted to their department.
Another crucial module is media management, which can be summed up in three words: deny, deny, deny.
We also need a module on employment practices for beginners like Baas John Steenhuisen. The rule is simple: hire your “comrades”, not YouTubers and podcasters.
Finally, a golden rule for all aspiring “leaders” of the “masses of our people” is not to invest in a coffee shop in Sandton. I repeat, do not invest in a coffee shop in Sandton.
Till next week, my man. Send me to a political school. DM