Ah, Chief Dwasaho! As I pen this, I can picture you seated at the BRICS+ table with the high and mighty, no doubt grappling with the weighty matters of the Global South versus the Global North — topics of which I confess I know absolutely nothing.
You must understand, my leader, that although I graduated from high school, geography wasn’t my forté, but mathematics was my Achilles’ heel. In fact, I spectacularly failed pure mathematics long before the arrival of its twin, mathematics literacy, in standard eight, scraping together a miserable 25%. Strangely, I was the only man, along with two of my girlfriends, who passed out of a class of 51 that year. That is a story for another day. But I digress.
As the guys from the farm might have updated you, this Wednesday, uBaba's bosom buddy Louis Liebenberg and seven others found themselves in the warm embrace of the law. They were arrested in connection with a diamond deal scam and now face a cocktail of charges, including fraud, money laundering, theft, and racketeering. According to the Hawks, the arrests were in connection with “diamond investors who were scammed out of more than R4-billion”.
It’s not about gloating over uBaba’s (Jacob Zuma) associates finding themselves on the wrong side of the law after my recent column. It’s more about the sheer absurdity of the situation. It’s a matter of foresight and hindsight that allows me to see the forest for what it is. Haters, take that!
Ever-unfolding drama
This brings us to the ever-unfolding drama surrounding “our” leaders, who seem to have a perpetual love affair with the courts. Yet none of them can match the jaw-dropping figure of R4-billion! None have been convicted, so we may never know if the “windfalls” mentioned in court papers — whether from schemes or scams — will ever truly measure up to what the actual Netflix-type true crime doccies are made of.
Take uBaba, for instance. For 17 long years, he’s dodged, ducked, and dived through every legal loophole to avoid answering for the relatively “measly” sum of R500,000 — a yearly bribe, mind you. He’s already racked up R17-million in legal fees (or owes it to the state). Now, I’m no expert in accounting, but that doesn’t sound like a winning financial strategy to me. It's like trying to put out a fire with petrol.
Who could forget the unproven scandal involving South African Communist Party (SACP) chief Blade Nzimande and that infamous garbage refuse black plastic bags stuffed with R500,000? The allegation, made by then Cosatu president Willie Madisha, claimed that he had personally handed over the cash to Nzimande as a donation to the SACP.
However, this claim backfired, costing Madisha his credentials as a unionist and a communist. The fallout led to his eventual ousting from Cosatu and the SACP, and he later re-emerged as a run-of-the-mill member of Parliament on the Congress of the People’s benches.
The Digital Vibes scandal involving the ANC’s Dr Zweli Mkhize wasn’t so bad — what’s R150-million between friends and family? It’s no big deal, really. At least it proved he went to varsity and understands a thing or two about mathematics.
But I must say, I frowned upon the distribution of money in boxes instead of the traditional black garbage bags. And then there’s poor Lizeka Tonjeni, who benefited the least (here comes the maths again), sentenced to five years behind bars for accepting a measly R160,000 bribe. Talk about drawing the short straw!
Critical importance of proper education
While comfortably nestled in the corridors of power, I once pocketed a R44,000 bonus simply for showing up — without inventing or contributing anything extraordinary. This highlights the critical importance of proper education, particularly a strong grasp of mathematics (okay, I have a financial advisor, but not the Schabir Shaik type).
This brings me to the week’s true “aha moment”: “Our” leaders seem to have no grasp of the mathematics of money. Look at the Steinhoff debacle — an all-white crew, mind you — these guys allegedly swindled an eye-watering R100-billion and wiped out about R200-billion in market value! The Steinhoff scandal, involving massive accounting irregularities and fraud at a multinational retail giant, should be taught as a case study in fraud concealment at forensic accounting faculties, police detective colleges, and Ivy League universities.
I don’t know, my leader, if you follow, but white people truly know how to steal. I chalk it up to them having never done mathematical literacy but real pure mathematics while “our” leaders mastered biblical studies and agriculture at school. It’s a joke. Except the joke is on us as taxpayers.
Let’s stroll through the “rats and mice gallery”, to borrow the late Tito Mboweni’s colourful phrase. Zizi Kodwa, one of the ANC faithful, who once called corruption “ubusela”, is currently entangled in legal trouble over bribery charges involving a measly R1.7-million, tied to the State Capture kingpins and the infamous Jehan Mackay, a former executive of EOH Holdings.
Not to mention the grande dame of the revolution, former National Assembly Speaker Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula, with R4.5-million worth of charges hanging over her. At 67, she’s facing a minimum 15-year sentence for each of the 12 counts of corruption and one count of money laundering. At least, as the State alleges, she managed to secure herself a wig during the looting spree.
The irony, of course, is that her husband was once the police minister and later a security adviser to a president who, along with his friends and family, may or may not have swindled South African taxpayers out of R1.5-trillion over nine years.
Punchline
Enter former Johannesburg mayor Kabelo Gwamanda, a man who once donned the mayoral chain and held the keys to the City coffers, now reduced to the punchline of a poorly written comedy.
Arrested for an alleged funeral Ponzi scheme, with fraud charges totalling the grand sum of R12,000 — you read that right. And to top it off, he was granted bail for a mere R2,000. Is this a joke? I’ve seen bigger amounts disappear at a tuck shop! Surely we’ve hit the bottom of the barrel when even the scams are this small.
My leader, I don’t mean to boast, but on a good day like last week, I earned R13,500 in just five hours, writing blog posts that required the journalistic skills of interviewing, researching and writing. If your dear ally Gwamanda had more than a Grade 10 education, he might have understood the mathematics of crime: you either go big or go to court, pun intended.
Then there’s former ANC spokesperson Pule Mabe, knee-deep in a R27-million scandal, facing charges of fraud, theft, and contravening the Prevention of Organised Crime Act. The case involves a “shady” company, Enviromobi, which allegedly sold 200 three-wheeler vehicles for waste collection. Of that, R16.2-million for 100 units were approved, signed off, and paid within just nine days as “goods received”. Talk about service delivery on steroids! Mabe appeared in court alongside his wife — talk about keeping it in the family.
But in all seriousness, the contrast in the levels of financial literacy is quite stark and not something we can afford to laugh about — except when I get paid to teach political literacy through humour.
I say to the new Minister of Basic Education, Siviwe Gwarube: discontinue mathematical literacy, otherwise all “our” leaders will end up in orange overalls for stealing small change.
Till next week, my man. Send me back to school to do pure maths like my daughter Nonku, and accounting and finance like my son Wandile. DM