Death and dying in migrant transnational families, and grief that flows across borders

The death of a loved one is an extremely painful event, often accompanied by significant psychological and emotional distress. These challenges are further intensified when death occurs across national borders, where logistical and bureaucratic complications introduce additional layers of complexity to the grieving process.

In recent years, the Covid-19 pandemic presented further difficulties for transnational families who had to deal with the illness and death of loved ones living far away, significantly reshaping the practices of mourning. These ramifications are still felt today.

Presently, there is a general assumption that access to technology and the relative ease of international travel make maintaining familial relationships across geographical distances relatively straightforward.

Migrants and their family members left behind in their countries of origin use smartphones and specific apps to stay in constant contact while visiting each other regularly to strengthen closeness.

Unquestionably, this assumption relies on a privileged understanding of international movement and access to technology. Firstly, it assumes that everyone has the financial means to buy a plane ticket, travel easily, leave family and work behind, and freely leave one’s country of residence.

However, not all migrants have the financial means to return to their country of origin when a family emergency arises.

Furthermore, legal issues related to documentation and their migration status may make it difficult for some people to leave their country of residence, as they may be fearful that they may be unable to return. This is often the case with many African migrants living in South Africa today.

Lengthy application processes

Additionally, many countries in the Global South, such as South Africa, require visas to visit Europe and other destinations in the Global North. These require lengthy application processes, and family emergencies often necessitate rapid travel without the need to wait for a visa to be issued.

Crucially, not everyone has equal access to technology and can use it comfortably. Sometimes, older people may struggle with technology because it can be challenging to use due to physical deficits associated with ageing, such as poor vision or hearing.

While access to technology is helpful, it cannot replace the comfort and closeness associated with the physical presence of loved ones. This limitation may become more visible in times of illness and dying, when migrants may need to provide both psychological and physical care to older family members still living in their country of origin.

Access to reliable technology also requires the financial means to obtain expensive smartphones and the ability to purchase data. This is not often the case for many migrants in the Global South.

Consequently, the geographical distance and inability to be physically present either during an illness or following a death may create significant distress for all members of migrant families.

During critical moments in the family life cycle, such as illness and dying, physical presence becomes essential for providing direct personal care and offering close emotional support to an ill family member.

These times also evoke an intense desire among close relatives to be physically present and support their loved ones, thereby maintaining their emotional wellbeing. If migrants cannot provide real support and care, they may experience extreme feelings of guilt.  

When a distant family member becomes ill, especially when the person is elderly, those living in different countries often have to determine what constitutes a sufficiently serious emergency to warrant immediate travel.

They may face several painful considerations, weighing questions such as: Is the illness severe enough to justify the financial and logistical costs of an international trip? What if I arrive and the person has already recovered? What if they die, and I miss seeing them one last time? Should I rather wait and attend the funeral?

Emotional and ethical uncertainty

These are extremely difficult decisions to make, marked by emotional and ethical uncertainty, with no clear or universally correct answers. It is possible that whatever one decides may ultimately prove to be the “wrong” decision, and in retrospect one may see things differently.

However, distance and the costs and logistics of international travel magnify these questions, especially when dealing with the physical decline of older family members.

Migrants’ capacity to provide care or be physically present during critical events such as hospitalisations or funerals ultimately largely depends on their available resources. These include the financial means to afford international travel or send remittances to ageing parents, the amount of leave they can take from work, and whether their legal status permits international travel and re-entry into the country where they live.

Following the death of a loved one, logistical and bureaucratic factors may further interfere with the process of grieving. Migrants may face several administrative challenges, which can be more difficult due to their unfamiliarity with the legal and administrative requirements of their country of origin, especially if they have been away from their country of birth for many years.

They may also have limited time to sort these matters out as they have to return to their families and work, which adds further stress.

The process of death and dying is often linked to specific rituals, such as funerals, which are usually culturally specific. These are known to help people deal with the grieving process as they provide comfort and a sense of stability.

However, in the case of migrants, not all rituals may be easily accessible. Specifically, the inability to attend a funeral may disrupt the grieving process and add to feelings of guilt. This was often the case during the Covid-19 pandemic when migrants could not travel back to their country of birth because of lockdowns and other travel restrictions.

Ultimately, the loss of significant people in our lives can cause intense grief because of the particular meaning of the loss. In the case of migrants, the death of loved ones in their country of origin can also reopen their own migration-related grief. The death of a loved one may mark the end of familial ties to one’s country of origin, deepening migrants’ sense of displacement.

For migrants, the loss of a loved one who lives in another country is a uniquely distressing experience. It is shaped by the heartbreak of distance, the stress of international travel, the bureaucratic complexities of death, and the persistent feeling of being caught between two worlds.

Saying goodbye is always difficult, but it is especially painful when geographical separation prevents physical presence when it matters most.

Ultimately, when we consider death and dying across borders, we must recognise that as human beings, we carry an enduring need to stay connected with those we love despite the disruption and fragmentation that migration brings into our lives. DM

Maria Marchetti-Mercer is Professor of Psychology at the University of the Witwatersrand (Wits) and Assistant Dean of Research for the Faculty of Humanities. She served as the Head of the School of Human and Community Development at Wits from 2012-2016. Prior to that, she was the head of the Psychology Department at the University of Pretoria from 2001-2011.