The problem with perfect — why good enough often wins

Perfectionism, says Professor Paul Hewitt of the University of British Columbia, is not simply about high standards. It is a personality style dominated by the belief that you must be flawless to be accepted. 

That belief triggers impossible demands on yourself and sometimes on others. Over time it is linked with anxiety, depression, eating difficulties and relationship conflict. Fear of making a mistake often leads to procrastination and missed deadlines.

Dr Craig Bracken, a psychiatrist at the Tara H Moross Psychiatric Hospital, adds that perfectionism can sit on a spectrum. At one end is healthy striving; at the other are rigid rules that disrupt daily life. At its most severe it can resemble an obsessive compulsive personality style and it often overlaps with other conditions. 

What to diagnose and how to treat it depends on what is driving the behaviour and how it shows up in a person’s life.

What is behind the push to be perfect?

Perfectionism does not appear out of nowhere, it often begins in early childhood. 

If love or approval feels conditional, a child can start to believe that being perfect is the safest route to acceptance. That does not mean parents are to blame; sometimes there is a mismatch between a child’s temperament and how they take in feedback. 

As protection against criticism or rejection, a child may adopt the rule, if I am more perfect I will be loved. The rule can follow into adulthood, shaping how a person views themselves and others. 

What began as a coping strategy becomes a source of anxiety, relentless self-criticism and the feeling of never being good enough.

When is it harmful?

Setting high goals is not inherently bad, quite the opposite. It can motivate excellent work, says clinical psychologist Dr Colinda Linde, chairperson of the South African Depression and Anxiety Group. 

Perfectionism turns harmful when it starts to impair your wellbeing or daily functioning. Warning signs include:

• All-or-nothing thinking. Anything less than perfect feels like failure;
• Over-checking and refusal to delegate. You redo work to get it just right and struggle to trust help;
• Chronic burnout. You feel exhausted and on edge from pushing too hard for too long;
• Excessive self-criticism. You replay mistakes and worry constantly about meeting expectations; and
• If several of these ring true, it is a good time to seek support. Living with that pressure is not necessary.

How culture, families and the media drive perfectionism

Mapule Moroke, a counselling psychologist at Wits, points out that pressure to be perfect often starts close to home. Families, schools, even communities can tie self-worth to grades or career wins. 

Encouragement can quickly slide into rigid demands. Social media adds to the pressure by showing only the highlights and making it seem like everyone else has it together, while you’re left chasing impossible standards.

What actually helps

Perfectionism is a learned pattern, not a fixed flaw. It can change.

Hewitt emphasises the value of psychodynamic and relational therapy. This work helps people trace how early experiences shaped the inner critic and replace harsh self-judgement with a more balanced view of self and others.

Cognitive behavioural therapy that is adapted for perfectionism also shows good results. Moroke explains that CBT helps people test rigid beliefs such as I must never make a mistake, and practise new behaviours that allow flexibility and balance. 

Acceptance and commitment therapy and mindfulness approaches teach people to make room for imperfection and to focus on what matters most, rather than on appearing flawless.

Steps you can start today

Linde suggests simple actions that begin to loosen perfectionism’s grip, even if therapy is not immediately accessible:

• Practise self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would to a close friend. Notice the inner critic and answer it with something kinder and more realistic;
• Challenge all-or-nothing thoughts. Many tasks are fine at “good enough”. Not everything needs to be perfect;
• Try safe imperfection. Deliberately leave one small thing slightly imperfect and notice that nothing terrible happens;
• Break big goals into smaller steps. Large projects feel less paralysing when you tackle them in stages with realistic timelines;
• Set time limits. Give a task a fair time box and stop when time is up. This curbs endless tweaking; and
• Reach out. Talk to a trusted friend or join a support group. Perspective reduces shame and reminds you that you are not alone.

In the end, overcoming perfectionism is about balance, not abandoning ambition. 

It means letting go of impossible rules and valuing yourself beyond achievements. With practice you can step out of the perfectionism trap. When you allow yourself to be good enough, you may find you were already enough all along. DM