Illustrative image: Graphic by Adam Lapuník / Vecteezy) 
I want to understand what “love” is. I am 32 years old and struggling in a relationship that does not make sense to me. He says he loves me but I don’t FEEL loved. Why not? I feel neglected, at times unseen and unheard. He does not cheat, nor go out alone with his mates and is not abusive to me. He does expect me to carry out most of the tasks at home, arrange our social life and also be sexually available when he is in the mood. Is this what love is? And if so, why don’t I feel it for him?
Palesa.
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Hello Palesa,
Trying to understand the concept of love has you questioning and worried. Here are a few thoughts that I hope will bring some clarity, and help affirm what you’re already sensing: that something in this relationship isn’t meeting the way you long to feel.
And owning what you yearn to feel in your relationship is what I am inviting you to focus on rather than the culturally constructed idea of what love should look and feel like.
The experience we call “love” is universal and has long captivated the attention of philosophers, psychologists, poets, healers and mystics alike. Across time and cultures, they’ve all sought to make sense of the intense and often conflicting emotions we feel in love’s name.
People kill for love, and are killed in the name of love. That is how profoundly we long to feel, and to keep feeling, this thing called love.
These days, love is increasingly being explored through the lens of science. Neuroscience, with its advanced tools like MRI machines, offers a glimpse into the brain’s activity and has begun to uncover some of the mechanisms behind what we experience as love.
Professor Sue Carter is a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and is known for her work on love.
Here is some of what we have learnt from her extensive body of work, specifically with oxytocin and vasopressin: Love is a chemical cocktail of serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine.
Dopamine gives us the motivation to seek out the pleasure it triggers in us when we first meet someone, while oxytocin, the bonding hormone, is released with physical contact such as hugging, kissing or sleeping next to each other; the neurotransmitter serotonin, which regulates our moods, fluctuates when falling in love and is responsible for those obsessive compulsive thoughts that accompany lust and fascination with one another.
The amygdala, the part of the brain that processes fear and anxiety, kind of shuts down when people are in love and connecting with each other. And the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for rational thinking and decision-making, is less active when we meet someone we fancy, and gets us to be impulsive and to idealise this beloved other.
Once the excitement of this love sickness wears off, the hormone of oxytocin and the molecule of vasopressin dominate.
These are known as the “love hormones”, the magic combination that gets us to bond.
And then, people expect to settle down into “happily ever after”, believing that these magic hormones and neurotransmitters will keep you feeling high from the excitement, exclusive attention, feeling of being special and the promise of being the forever one and only, due to the attentiveness from your partner.
I must add that for people who, as children, never received this kind of attention from parents/guardians are more likely to question their adult experience of love.
As a therapist, I banish the word “love” from my therapy room. In its place I use the word “safety”. So, consider rather: how safe do you feel with your partner?
Here is the reason I work with the concept of safety.
Not only is love a chemical cocktail, it is also a concept that is highly determined and influenced by culture, family, religion, geopolitics and economics, and evolution.
It is merely a way to ensure reproduction.
David Buss, a professor of anthropology at the University of Texas, did a multicultural study on love, with more than 10,000 people.
His results indicated that for example, heterosexual women seek partners with good genes (masculinity, physical attractiveness), good investment ability (potential income), good parenting skills and good partner qualities (being loving).
Heterosexual men generally seek partners who are younger and physically attractive. However, both men and women prioritise love, a dependable character, emotional stability and a pleasing disposition.
This encapsulates what people want: safety. The definition of safety that I use with my clients is based on the work of Dr Stan Tatkin.
Safety equals predictability, consistency, reliability, commitment, trust, honesty, respect, passion, compassion, mutuality and responsiveness.
So your experience of not feeling love is, in my opinion, one of not feeling “safe”. Your partner may not be gazing into your face when you talk or make love; perhaps he is not responding to you when you talk, for example, looking into his mobile devices instead, or maybe not being curious about your day/emotions/thoughts.
You yearn to feel safe and this is why you don’t feel love.
As an aside, what is this nonsense about him “expecting” you to be servile, both in and out of the bedroom? Did you agree to this? No relationship can feel safe if there is unilateral decision-making.
By the way, Palesa, you do not have to be grateful that your partner does not drink/beat you and is faithful. Respect and fidelity are what you should naturally expect from a partner who wants to keep you safe. This is what is called… Love! DM
Have a question about intimacy, relationships, or connection? Send it to Dr Eve, dreve@dreve.co.za – she may answer it in an upcoming column. You are welcome to indicate if you would prefer to remain anonymous.