Illustrative image: Unsplash 
When it comes to our parents, children and partners we do not have a guaranteed timeline of how long we will have proximity to them, so it’s important to make good use of the time we have.
Our relationship with our parents evolves as we grow up, then as we seek our stride in adulthood, and then as we age.
They have value to add to us at every life stage, if we allow them to. We can choose to ask for their input and advice, and really listen to their answers. We don’t have to follow what they say, but we will have validated them by hearing them out, and we will find that there is so much that they can share that is hugely helpful.
They know us better than most, and are perfectly placed to share wisdom that is relevant to our lives. Understand that they come from somewhere — each person’s upbringing is a unique combination of factors and circumstances, many of them beyond their choosing.
The past is in the past, and the time that you have with them is now, in the present. We get to decide how frequent, and in-depth our time with our parents is – it matters less about the regularity and more about the quality of the time spent together; either in person, or virtually if they are far away.
There is a gradual role reversal that happens between us and our parents as we age.
They need us more in increasing areas, and this change can’t always be easy for them. Wherever you are on this journey, be grateful for where you are with them in the present, because that will change; and you may, in time, find yourself wishing for it back.
We can be intentional about each interaction we are fortunate enough to have with them. We can choose to be grateful, supportive, and caring. If your relationship with either parent (or anyone for that matter) is strained, and not serving you, and you’re not able to fix it together, then decide to make your peace with that. Distance yourself where you need to; and choose to still act with integrity and kindness.
Caring for our children
One of the things many of us would do well to remember is that being needy of our children does not serve them well.
It comes naturally to us to love them unconditionally, and so to provide them with emotional support in terms of stability, acceptance, warmth and affection. Our children look to us to be even keeled, solid, and reliable. They love us in return, but they are not equipped to provide us with emotional support. We must try to be conscious of our possible neediness with children and teenagers, and seek adult support elsewhere.
Children do not need us to swoop in with multiple solutions to their problems — they want to experience and solve these on their own, knowing that we are available should they need our help.
Allowing them to make mistakes and experience the consequences provides them with a valuable feedback loop of learning; but it requires a conscious decision to step aside and give them space.
Teenagers especially require time and space to work through problems and challenges. Our teenagers do not necessarily need our friendship — it is healthy for them to cultivate their own friendships with like-minded kids who are of a similar age and stage.
They are growing up, and maturing. They have a world of hormones whirling through their bodies and are trying to get their heads around their place and their prospects in the world.
What our children really need from us, at every age, is consistent love, stable and reliable homelives, and clear boundaries. Boundaries for acceptable behaviours give them parameters, and safety. They may not like or agree with the boundaries, but provided that they are fair and firm, they give them a framework in which they can live and grow.
Demonstrate good behaviours yourself — eat healthfully, move, sleep well, set your own goals and achieve them, listen carefully, be affectionate, give to others, save, care for family and friends, learn and grow. We should be especially mindful of our behaviours around alcohol, driving etiquette, and our use of tech — it is only fair to practise what we preach.
Be loving, be present, be consistent, be firm, and be respectful. The time we have with our children under our roofs and with the opportunity to provide direct influence is precious — and we can consciously choose to make it count.
Ongoing love
For many, a wedding day is the happiest day of our lives. We have found our person, and have committed to sharing the rest of our lives with them, often in front of those we love. The future looks near perfect, because we imagine it so.
One wonders at this high level of expectation that we create from so early on. We have not yet experienced many of life’s major challenges and so are ill equipped to define in our minds how our relationship will navigate these. We imagine ongoing love, laughter, arms interlinked and sailing through storms. We foresee fewer struggles, and far more rosy outcomes than what is realistic.
As time progresses and the inevitable rough patches accumulate, we may move from thriving together to the relationship merely surviving — which is a far cry from what we imagined at the start.
A partnership strengthens when a couple grows together, supportively, even when the going gets hard. Perhaps the best way to continuously strengthen a treasured relationship is through cumulative day to day actions, and taking responsibilities for the roles that we play, rather than fixating first on what we expect.
Consider these questions to evaluate how actively you contribute to your partnership:
- How well do you listen to your partner? (Front facing, full eye contact, tech-free, zero interruptions)
- How well do you talk with your partner? (Full eye contact, no raised voices, tolerant tone, kind content, minimal criticism)
- How well do you support your partner? (Non-judgemental, reminding of strengths, tolerant of weakness, understanding of difficulties, patient enough to let them find a solution)
- How well do you love your partner? (Appreciation, acceptance, affection, physicality)
- How well do you care for your partner? (Small acts of kindness, filling in when they need help, anticipating their needs, creating healthful habits together)
- How well do you share experiences with your partner? (Comfortable routines, meaningful rituals, exciting adventures, new experiences)
You will have noticed that each of these questions begins with “How well do you?” While you work on your efforts, worry less about how well your partner is doing in each of these areas. A funny thing happens when we work on improving our own behaviour and quality of contribution to our relationships.
By degrees, it can inspire positive change in others. We can preach less — and practise more. When we are satisfied that we are doing the best we possibly can with listening, talking, supporting, loving, caring and sharing — we will very likely look across at our partner and find that they are following suit.
Togetherness can and should be an ongoing adventure. Smile gratefully at the ups, and shrug sadly at the downs. Don’t forget about your commonalities, and rejoice in some of your differences. Give each other space to pursue personal hobbies and interests, but share in the enthusiasm for the satisfaction they bring.
Keep choosing to do the work, and the play, of being together; and your relationship should strengthen and evolve along with you. DM