What does 2024 hold for the long-suffering people of South Africa? We asked three political leaders about their vision for the year ahead.

Jacob Zuma, MK Party

We have launched a new party, the MK Party, named after the triumphant military wing of the ANC, the people’s army that never lost a battle it didn’t fight! Luckily the ANC has not been able to trademark that name yet – heh heh. That will take some time because, well, the institutions of the state are very, very slow. Look how long they are taking to throw out all the illegal Zimbabweans!

Well, they were not slow when I was in power. They were very fast. They were very fast to defend me when I was head of state, you will remember – and that’s because I was a Glorious Leader who cracked the whip in their direction! I threatened them with harsh action by my personal presidential action unit, Crime Intelligence.

And you should have seen them jump! Why, Nutty Nhleko, my then minister of something or other, jumped six feet high for me, and he’s only four-foot-10!

Now that’s a sign that I can get things done in this country, and I will bring that skill to my new party, MK.

Please do not confuse those initials with those of the song Moerse Kont by the Afrikaans rapper VetP*#s. When they announce that song on the radio, of course, they use the initials MK to avoid offending the church ladies who listen to the radio in expectation of some sing-along gospel, but the important thing is that that MK is not the same as my MK. And, may I add, I refute any rumours that the song Moerse Kont is in fact about me.

Read more in Daily Maverick: EXPLAINER — what we know about Jacob Zuma’s new party

I am MK, and MK is me. I know I used to say I am the ANC and the ANC is me, but that is no longer the case – ever since that snivelling weasel of a White Monopoly Capital billionaire, Cyril Ramapussy, hijacked the party and turned the whole justice system into a weapon just to persecute innocent people like me.

The ANC is no longer what it was when I was running the department of interrogations and later the country. Cyril is ejecting all sorts of great leaders like me and Ace just so he can say the ANC is now “clean”, heh heh, and get some more investment into the country.

But why do we need investment? There’s plenty of money here. We don’t need that dirty Western money when we have plenty of dirty money here at home. Okay, a lot of that dirty money is now in Dubai, but I am assured by my dear friends, the Guptas, that it will soon be repatriated.

We don’t have to have policies. We just need me, the embodiment of the Spear of the Nation, and this party will triumph.

And that money will come straight to me, so I can make sure it goes to the right people – those who are able to ensure the return of this country to the pockets of the correct leaders! Not these cowardly weasels who, like Cyril, insist on taking the Constitution to a knife fight. No, it will come to the true leaders who want to restore the great power of the chiefs and kings of the nation, the natural God-given leaders who can really deploy a spear-waving contingent of the amabutho (warriors). Those who can really spark an orgy of looting.

And, while we’re on the subject, I just wanted to make some remarks about my fire pool, in the light of some comments made recently by the so-called secretary-general of the ANC.

Those with eyes to see, eyes unclouded by the propaganda of the then public protector, so-called, will see that my fire pool is in the shape of an assegai – that is, you understand, the actual shape of the Spear of the Nation. Now, for the benefit of those who cannot speak isiZulu, Spear of the Nation translates as Umkhonto weSizwe. And that, as you surely know, is abbreviated MK!

Some white people who can’t say Nkandla properly, when noting the birth of my 47th child, joked that MK actually stood for Umtondo weSizwe (umtondo means penis). But of course that accusation is beneath contempt. In fact, it’s beneath my zipper, too.

I speak from rural KZN, naturally, because that is the heartland of the Great Zulu Nation, sorry, I mean the heartland of the Great MK Party. I am told by the relevant experts that our website, which was set up a mere four days ago, and doesn’t even have drop-down menus, or in fact any content at all, has already received eleventy-seventy thousand hundred clicks! And by clicks we don’t mean that song by Miriam Makeba.

Read more in Daily Maverick: The year end headache of King Cyril the Boneless of WakaBanana— known by its citizens as WataFakAp!

You see? We don’t even have to have a manifesto here at the MK Party to get massive support. We don’t have to have policies. We just need me, the embodiment of the Spear of the Nation, and this party will triumph.

And when I say MK Party, I mean it is going to be a party! I, for one, can still dance like a 60-year-old!

Yes, I did once say that the ANC will rule till Jesus comes. But now you must know that, hovering in the clouds, is the real Jesus – and the real Jesus is about to land. Jesus is the MK Party, and the MK Party is me!

Put that in your dagga pipe and smoke it. I certainly do. Heh heh.

Julius Malema, EFF

In 2024, we as the EFF will continue our unstoppable march towards complete power over the whole of South Africa. Victory is certain! We will bring peace, security and prosperity to all South Africans, except of course those we don’t like. We will never compromise our most deeply held values, unless they interfere with the enrichment of our top brass. Viva!

Panyaza Lesufi, premier of Gauteng

In 2024, we as the ANC in Gauteng will continue our unstoppable march towards complete power over the whole province and the City of Johannesburg. Victory is certain! We will bring peace, security and prosperity to all Gautengers, except of course those who voted for the DA. We will never compromise our most deeply held values, unless they interfere with the need to form coalitions with smaller parties so we can cling desperately to power. Viva! DM

Shaun de Waal is a writer and editor.

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R29.