SILLY SEASON ANALYSIS
Zuma’s new political party trick and the head-scratching horseplay of Men Saying Things
Jacob Zuma, South Africa’s 81-year-old former president, has announced that although he will die an ANC member, he will be voting for a different party, uMkhonto Wesizwe. This is political tradecraft at its most multilayered.
Allow me to take you back to mid-September 2023 when the Jacob Zuma Foundation tweeted:
“TO: ALL MEDIA
Please be advised that the Patron of the Foundation, H.E. President Zuma, will not be doing any media interviews on any matter under the sun.”
This news came as a heavy blow to South Africa’s journalists, who are thirsting on a daily basis to convey His Excellency’s views on all matters under the sun to the equally parched South African public. But bravely we soldiered on.
And fortunately, this cruel and unusual media boycott came to a shuddering halt less than three months later, when Zuma’s flunkies announced that they had “the honour to invite national and international media reporters to attend a press conference”.
The volume of international media reporters who cleared their diaries to accommodate this briefing – “Gaza? Who cares?! Jacob Zuma is MAKING AN ANNOUNCEMENT, man!” – is unknown. But South African reporters did dutifully trek to the Orlando East Hall in Soweto because, at this stage of the game, nobody is quite sure what news is any more.
I guess a former president saying something fits the bill?
It was a crowded week on the Men-Saying-Things front already, what with ANC veteran Mavuso Msimang leaving the ANC and then taking it backsies, and what with former banker Roger Jardine being rolled out as South Africa’s next great electoral hope to a resounding chorus of “Roger who?”
The men have been busy, is what I’m saying, and it’s our job to write down what they’re up to.
In Zuma’s case, this turned out to be the announcement that he was breaking up with his political home of eight decades, the ANC, in favour of a hot young thing called uMkhonto Wesizwe. In this analogy, let’s call the ANC “MaKhumalo”.
Yet, in a physics-defying feat of Schrödinger’s politics, Zuma managed to leave the ANC while staying in the ANC. Although he would be voting for a totally separate party next year, the former president clarified that he would die an ANC member. This kind of talk is completely routine for a man skilled at adding women to his overflowing wife-basket, even though for many of us it may conceptually be a bit of a head-scratcher.
To name this new party after a cherished piece of ANC history takes some balls, it must be said. It’s a bit like Mbali Ntuli launching a DA breakaway party called “Helen Suzman’s Loyalest Warriors”. Plenty of people aren’t going to be happy.
Zuma timed the announcement of his new venture to ensure that most journalists were already drunk. Unfortunately, there are those of us with such unyielding dedication to our craft – I’m talking about myself here – that we have been able to stay sober long enough to undertake a wee background check into the uMkhonto Wesizwe project.
uMkhonto Wesizwe vol.2 – the “dupe”, as the youth would say – was registered as a “non-profit company” (Zuma: “Hold my beer”) on 12 December 2023. It has three listed directors, and it brings me no pleasure to inform you that one of them has the same name as a man who appeared in court in 2020 charged with trying to steal Sassa grant money from the system.
Obviously, being an alleged criminal should not discourage you from seeking the highest political office in the land. As we found out before the 2019 elections, fully one in five of the leaders of the political parties registered to contest those polls had what I called at the time “a chequered past” because I was being kind.
So you crack on, directors of uMkhonto Wesizwe. The opposition parties’ coalition ahead of the 2024 elections was briefly called the “Moonshot Pact” before they realised that name gave everyone the ick.
What uMkhonto Wesizwe is trying to pull off is more like the “Farfarout Project”, with Farfarout being the real name of the most distant planetoid in our solar system.
The thing about Zuma is that he is famously charming. Even Helen Zille, before she became the type of person who says: “My pronouns are R, S, A”, once penned a whole column about how nice JZ is.
Personally speaking, I have been at Zuma rallies in KwaZulu-Natal and have felt an uncontained beam spreading across my face in response to his pleasing stage presence. It’s a real force: if only it could be channelled to fuel our broken power stations.
But to think that Zuma is charming enough to launch a new party at 81 and have it win sufficient votes to eat the ANC’s lunch is bonkers. How could he possibly succeed without the aid of his former brother-in-arms Carl Niehaus?
The most urgent question to come out of all this is: what has happened to the Zuma/Niehaus bromance? There has clearly been some kind of fallout, and the nation deserves to know.
When I interviewed Niehaus in 2021, he told me that the source of his undying fealty to Zuma was the fact that when Niehaus was one of the last political prisoners to be released from jail, JZ would visit him in the tjoekie. (After the article was published, I was promptly contacted by other former political prisoners who were, shall we say, sceptical of multiple aspects of this story.)
But just two years later, Jacob is out here “blessing” new political parties and Carl has finally embraced his fate as the EFF’s most openly despised mascot.
Niehaus, as City Press recently and hilariously noted, “finally acknowledged that he and his party of three people, who call themselves Areta, have no future as a political party”.
EFF leader Julius Malema magnanimously extended a hand to the man he once referred to as “that white guy who buried his mother five times”, and Niehaus and his three friends disappeared into the gaping scarlet maw of the EFF, never to be heard from again.
If only the same were true of Zuma.
But in JZ’s case, he is buoyed by the fanatical support he receives from his child Dudu, in what is the most wholesome and totally normal father-daughter relationship since King Lear.
It’s all a bit much for this time of year, and my plea to the Men Saying Things is as follows: Can we, collectively, just have a bit of a lie-down before 2024? DM
Friggen loved this one. The whole time I was chortelling. Yes, chorteling is a word. Anyway, it is wonderfull to see the destruction happening in slow mo.
Like “carolling”. But with chorts.
Best comment on a comment I’ve read this year!
After this, Mali Tyilo and even Zapiro may have to consider a change of careers !
Thank you. Brilliant. Who ever thought we’d see a story like this play out in a country with so much potential.
What a spectacularly delightful article. I chuckled all the way through it and would hate to spoil my day by reading anything else. Thank you Rebbeca, speaking for absolutely everyone, well, for myself anyhoo, we need more like this and less “news”. Such a pleasure!
This is one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a long time! You made my day Rebecca, with your insightful comment on the week of Men Saying Things and the weird, peculiar nature of our politics and our “leaders”. I laughed out loud and also with binnepret (translated by Google as indoor fun, no emoticon available either). You must have had a lot of indoor fun writing this. Thank you.
JZ, Dudu, Niehaus = Trump, Ivanka, Giuliani …
Alternatively, the Bidens, father and son.
No. Far from it; but, let’s leave it there.
Does anyone remember when the WWF (World Wrestling Federation) was re-classified as Entertainment as opposed to a Sport?
We should consider doing the same with Political Parties when they register themselves so as not to confuse voters. If you think about it we have legislation that prevents plant based food producers calling their products ‘sausages’ but in the political landscape (and for a nominal fee) you can ‘legit stamp’ Soap Opera farce as being the ‘real deal’
I think we need to redraft the Consumer Protection Act
YESS, perfect – whose gonna protect consumers.
What a wonderfully hilarious, well scripted article Rebecca Davis. I loved every sentence. Big applause!
A very well penned article.
Zuma is merely attracting attention.
Excellent writing Rebecca! You have proven beyond doubt that political boys cannot be taken seriously … they are just playing games. What a relief!
Super funny! Thanks, Rebecca, for this light side of the dark. A welcome chortle.
“skilled at adding women to his overflowing wife-basket”
Shame you had to out yourself…
Excellent article Rebecca. As long as we can maintain our sense of humour and see things for what they are, as far as these ‘newsmakers’ are concerned, we should be able to discern the wheat from the chaff!!
Good comments from readers too!!!
Only in SA can we have such fun, from Kortbroek to Jacob, add in Zapiro and we have our third national treasure. SA humourists.
You made my day Rebecca – I haven’t stopped smiling.
Had no idea politics could be such fun.
Yes …!! Zuma and the ANC bring new meaning to Groucho Marx’s famous statement that he wouldn’t join any club that would have him as a member …
Pity none of your main characters will have a clue what you’re talking about even if they can read for comprehension
😄😄
Which I’m sure they can’t
Well written, entertaining to read. Old men (at least some of them) should tend to their vegetable gardens and play with their grandchildren.
Careful with your choice of words… Zuma doesn’t have a great track record there!!
Thanks for this. Just wondering which of King Lear’s daughters?
They turned out to be trans !
Laughing out loud the whole way through!
OM Goodness, what a laugh, absolutely brilliant!
whaaa … haaa … haaa …
Very funny!
… brilliant!
Was a time in the (19) 70’s when far out was at least a giggle till being lost in outer space was so sobering that viewing planet earth actually felt like home-sickness. NOW farout squared as in faroutfarout leaves me chortleless and carolless. OMW woman writes lovely. So much truth in every charming smile.
Hilarious, witty. Journalism at its funniest. The JZ, CN JM trio were amongst the architects of the July 2021 bloodbath. May the fury of the gods descend upon them!
😆😉
Ah Rebecca!
What sweet relief
You have Gently strung
Tween angst en vrees
En storm en drung
What does the Church says about this? I don’t just mean the NGK ooms and tannies, but all the churches from the Anglicans to the ZCC and everyone inbetween?
Because we obviously need JZ to take us into his confidence, as the elephant in the room is trumpeting loudly for me at least. He is said it, and repeated it again that the ANC would of course be ruling till Jesus H. Christ himself was coming back. That puts this new MK party party in a very powerful position, because it’s now chicken and egg, vote for us and not only is the ANC out but baby J will be back from the year 30AD to come save us all.
very powerful muti this is.
Rebecca, I think you may have cause me a minor spleen injury with laughter!
TOP writing Mizz Davis… the “most wholesome and total normal father-daughter” line was a pinnacle of sarcastic perfection.
It REALLY is the healthiest thing we can all do right now, just laugh.
Fact is we are out from under this horrendous man, and he has probably injected most of the money he stole back into the economy through various bribes and through the legendary spending habits of his sizeable herd team of offspring.
Awesome!
Fantastic! Love this writer!
Zuma’s action was prompted by greedy and tribalism. And he is taking advantage of his fame in KZN. Soon he will be history before his death.
Hehe
Hehe
Listening to Mz Davis and reading her words brings sanity to the pervading chaos of the Times. A King Lear and daughters allusion invites considerations about the characters of those daughters of his. Duduzana, and Cordelia might not quite hit it off. But at least our ex-prez is healthy now, that he’s not in jail, and so energised by a new wife, a renewed s-drive spawning Spears for his beloved Nation. How blessed I am with his dedication and commitment, his humility and service and his generous heart that would take his beloved ANC to it’s natural political destiny and manifest their Nations Spears to roar in their rightful salaries from the vast pool of tax funds. Where are those Gupta Brothers? It could be time for a come back?
Lovely article, good to have something to smile about, and great comments. Thanks everyone.
If it was possible to sue for wasting oxygen, Shower Head would have many thousands of court cases to attend.
The reason we all love living in SA is that it is not a real State. Its a joke and whilst the joke lasts, thanks to the ANC, the Chenin is cold, the steak is cheap and car guards will look after your jumped up Euro import. Jacob thank you for providing us with comedy that even Python could not get near. Those “straight” “tough” faces behind him, seriously believing they had a future, was just a different Pythonesque class. And yet “your people” don’t get to tip car guards. Beautiful Jacob. BTW Loved the New York Yankees cap on your culturally connected daughter. Why not a Hout Bay United Cap?
I am trying very hard to figure iut what you are saying. But you will be a witness to how this 80 something grandfather is going to change the South African political landscape post 2024. Keep on undermining him. Keep on pursuing your political agenda. But we are not stupid.
How can you take the Mickey out of a political party endorsed by our revered and honoured former President? One that has gained 2 million members in 24 hours despite not having an address, website or bank account. Not even Fikile can make a claim like that.
Despite President’s Zuma political history, experience as a combatant, or decades he spent in the ANC political platform, he has full rights to using his wisdom whom to vote for next year or not, unlike many cowards and traitors he is brave enough to divuldge his position towards 2024 elections. Whether the new party is afake MK or not , most cadres within the ANC ba dangalazile and politics of the ANC is been infiltrated by group of opportunists playing mafia style my point is everyone has the right to exercise his political thought and no one is right or wrong until his theory proves otherwise.
Enough of JZ now! It gets very tiresome.
Rebecca “FFS” Davis! Great read
Well, Zuma is and has always been abusing the trust of the people as a result of our extremely poor literacy levels and lack of political maturity in our beloved country through a brazen display of selfishness, obfuscation of facts and a palpable sence of arrogance.
👍