Maverick Life

SATIRICALLY SPEAKING

The Springboks did well, but Busisiwe Mkhwebane did better

The Springboks did well, but Busisiwe Mkhwebane did better
Alive Alive Jesus Ministries church bafundisi praying for former Public Protector Busisiwe Mkhwebane. Photo by: Jabu Kumalo

Thank you, Busisiwe Mkhwebane, thank you my Freedom Fighter.

Dear Sis Joyce, 

I trust this email finds you well and truly liberated from the “chain of satanism”.

I just had to write this short message to let you know how heartening it was to see that you too found great inspiration in the Springboks’ recent World Cup quarterfinal match. Inspiration to, at least in your case, attempt to snatch victory from the jaws of definite defeat. 

Much more so than their lauded performance, your recent announcement on 16 October, the very morning after their victory, filled me with great pride to be a single passport-carrying South African. It reminded me that ours is a land of impossible possibilities and possible impossibilities; a land that, as you have demonstrated many times over, knows no rock bottom.

Your detractors thought you were finished as they unfairly snatched the title of Public Protector from you, citing startling incompetence and misconduct, but you rose to alliterate another day and swapped your tired old former title for Freedom Fighter. Brava!

I grew up in the Eighties, back when the apartheid government banned smart TVs and the streaming platforms we enjoy today; Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc. We were forced to watch only three channels; big sporting events were a terrible time for me as a non-athletic child. The Olympics were the worst as my favourite shows disappeared while sports programming took over their slots. Thanks to Tata Madiba, streamers and iPads were unbanned and big sporting events needed no longer mess with my entertainment. 

That said, even I was inspired by the way the Springboks played that match, and again a week later when they decolonised Stade de France against the English team. Their victories and resilience reminded me of the Stage 8 resilience of the South African spirit. But that doesn’t compare to the incredulous surge of inspiration that coursed through my resilient veins as I watched you put on your red beret and inform the people that you “voluntarily join the EFF without any motive of personal gain or material benefit”. 

It’s the selflessness for me! 

As Springbok captain Siya Kolisi said in his post-quarterfinal match interview, “it’s about the people back home. That’s what’s driving us.” In my humble opinion, you did one better just a few hours later as you announced your new “political home”. 

“I always said I will protect the poor and the marginalised… I am here to learn and to continue to fight and protect South Africans,” you confidently told the populace that fate deemed fit for life at the bottom of Africa. When it comes to national unity, the consequences of your actions during your time in the Office of the Public Protector seriously deserve far more attention than they have received thus far, truly.

I hope that during this transitional period and through the challenges that shall surely come, you will hold on to your faith. As you said in your June 2019 speech to the SA Sheriff Society: “I know some of you may not be Christian but I strongly believe I was placed in this position by the God that I serve and I believe that only He can remove me if He is of the view that I have failed.” 

I am truly sorry that the “God that [you] serve” did in fact deem you a failure and sided with Parliament in removing you from your former position. Trust that He walks with you still.

Public Protector Busisiwe Mkhwebane is seen at the Constitutional Court during judgement on her investigation into the SA Reserve Bank’s apartheid-era Bankorp bailout on July 22, 2019 in Johannesburg, South Africa. The Constitutional Court upheld the North Gauteng High Court judgment that Mkhwebane be personally liable for some of the costs in her litigation against Reserve Bank and Absa. (Photo by Gallo Images/Netwerk24/Felix Dlangamandla)

Please reassure me that you still maintain contact with Bishop Lucas Mthombeni. I fondly remember his words back in August 2019, when he addressed you at that multidenominational prayer session and said: “You have touched the untouchables in order to change the unchangeable and reach the unreachable. We are here to break the chain of satanism in the office of the public protector, which is led by our sister, Busisiwe.”

Once again, I am deeply sorry that the God of yours and the Bishop’s understanding never got around to breaking the chains of satanism during your time as Public Protector. Not to accuse Him of favouritism, but it does seem He deployed an army of angel soldiers for your predecessor, whereas in your case “the chain of satanism” remained intact. And not to put too fine a point on it, but as you predicted, in you He saw a failure undeserving of such a position. He does work in the most mysterious ways, I suppose.

Thankfully, the red berets beg to differ. I’m sure you’ll soon spend your days happily EFFing around with your new crew.

I shall keep you in my thoughts and prayers because if there is one tokoloshe more resilient than a South African in a speeding taxi to Rock Bottom station, it’s the devil himself. 

These are truly hard times in our country and on the global stage. The deluge of tragedy on our screens causes many of us to feel that the world is truly going to kak, in that speeding taxi. You, my leader, have been a beacon of light in these dark times. To watch you reach rock bottom, only to pull out a pickaxe and dig deeper is a reminder that, to borrow a numerical quote from your old pal, former president Zuma, South Africa is truly the land of “seven hundred and sixty-nine thousand eight hundred and twenty and seventy” chances. Godspeed! I look forward to watching you EFF things as up as you no doubt will. DM

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Comments - Please in order to comment.

  • Cachunk Cachunk says:

    Very good article- thank you for starting my Monday with a smile!

  • Gerrie van der Merwe says:

    “I look forward to watching you EFF things as up as you no doubt will”.
    Can’t agree more. I love your pieces. Want to see lots more, please.

  • Bosman Puren says:

    Malibongwe, you are truly gifted

  • Hermann Funk says:

    Love it, Malobongwe. Political prostitution is truly live and well in SA.

  • Michael Thomlinson says:

    The best thing our past PP could have done. Now she can EFF up the EFF to her hearts content with hopefully no consequence to ordinary folk and at least we know that if she gets hereself into legal knots that we, the tax paying public, will not be paying for her legal fees.

  • Justin Rajan says:

    LLOL:)…excellent Malibongwe!

  • Rencia Cloete says:

    “happily EFFing around with your new crew”
    hahahaha

  • Briulliant piece, thank you

  • Kanu Sukha says:

    Only in SA can we add to our lexicon with expressions like ‘EFFing around’ ! Almost Trumpian . Viva Mali. .

  • Geoff Woodruff says:

    I think that she has done us all a favour by joining the EFF. It is the home of political rejects after all and she should fit in very nicely.

  • M D Fraser says:

    Brilliant satire – except it could also be ‘true’. Only in South Africa 🙂

  • Winnifred Miller says:

    A very smart, entertaining piece, I’m giggling devilishly, silently. Thank you for the update Malibongwe…love the wit.

  • We all know what juju,maotwe,zungula,mpofu,holomisa n busi did to section 194,funny no one is helping her to fight for her pension

  • For her to join eff it simply means mission accomplished they helped her not to answer the Classified Document n 31 Questions yes they won that part what about her R9,8m lol

  • jcdville stormers says:

    Malibongwe a brilliant satire,made monday bearable!!!

  • lawrence.hoepner says:

    Dear Malibongwe Tyilo brilliant, just brilliant. To think that bigoted wretch was this country’s public PROTECTOR – it would be a quirky joke if were not so shameful and if it had not done as much damage to a vital Chapter Nine institution as she has done. Thank you Malibongwe for shining such a bright light in the deep gloom that has settled on this battered land.

  • Mike Visser says:

    How can she still be classed as an advocate. I suppose the JSC will take as long for her as they did for that other chief criminal Hlophe.

  • Andy Bryant says:

    Love your work – so true!

  • Ken Harley says:

    Terrific stuff yet again, thank you, Malibongwe. And thank you Daily Maverick for counterbalancing the real (mostly bad) news with the humorous genius of both Malibongwe and Zapiro. It’s why I’m an Insider.

  • Eulalie Spamer says:

    You made my day. No more EFFing around for those freedom fighters now this lady has selflessly taken on the mantle of saviour of the masses. May they all end up with Chanel handbags and Aston Martins.

  • Jose Almeida says:

    Daily Maverick is going from bad to worse and carries on peddling false facts to “shape” the masses.

    “I grew up in the Eighties, back when the apartheid government banned smart TVs and the streaming platforms we enjoy today; Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc.” it says.

    Internet was introduced in South Africa , according to Rhodes University: On 12 November 1991, the first Internet protocol packets started flowing out of South Africa on the leased circuit.
    So it is no wonder that we had no Netflix, no smart tv’s etc. They had not even been invented yet!
    But these false statements help to propagate falsehoods and blame apartheid, again.

  • Jennifer Hughes says:

    Always my very favourite read, thanks Malibongwe!

  • Mark Annett says:

    Hilarious. Good one.

  • Joy Watson says:

    This piece is amazing! Thank you Malibongwe!

  • crazymg007 says:

    Brilliant! 😀 😀 😀

  • Alex Frenkel says:

    ha ha ha – salute!

  • Patricia Proctor says:

    Brilliant Malibongwe! As always 🤣

  • Kenneth Jeenes Jeenes says:

    Brilliant and so funny – as usual!

  • Christopher Lang says:

    Ha ha ha! Super satire!
    One has to give kudos to all those civil servants out there who make the most of their opportunities! This lady spent almost her entire time in office defending her seat in that office at great expense to the bourse it must be said. She never achieved a damn thing! This proud country once had functional SOE’s and the gold mines. The comrades have raided and destroyed the SOE’s, and the Zama Zama’s are busy taking what’s left of the gold out of eGoli!

  • Riaan Joubert says:

    The problem with satire is that it can easily be confused for praise. If not for the hilarious statements this satirical piece could have been confused for real praise for the now EFF , erstwhile PP.
    I love the piece, the banning of the “not invented yet internet and streaming services – typical – it was Jan van Riebeeck’s fault. Why did he not bring smart TV’s and the internet when he established a trading post in the Cape. What was he thinking.

  • Christine Cooke Cooke says:

    Love your satirical articles! Please continue to entertain us with much needed light but spot on reading.

  • garrold.kh says:

    ‘Hit rock bottom only to dig deeper’…absolutely priceless comment.
    Now we understand (as we had surmised) how EFF leaders never recieved the appropriate attention of the public protectors office.

  • Enver Klein says:

    Great satire, enjoyed it with a real good chuckle, just be careful of the “class monitor”, Marc36, he’s writing names on the board of all those who don’t toe his line 😉

  • Jacqueline Kinnear Kinnear says:

    Loved reading this in a weird sort of hilariously sad way. Thank you for helping me keep my tongue-in-cheek humour rather than the alternative of having to bite it to staunch the vitriol this EFF’ing idiot deserves. My Monday mood has been buoyed since Saturday and continues still at a medium high level of inspiration today thanks to our Springboks and the quality of journalism you wield. Today I choose to focus on the great in our country. And in the words of Michelle Obama “when they go low, we go high “

  • Jean Green says:

    There’s nothing like Daily Maverick for putting a smile on my face! Thanks for making every day start with a good laugh!

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