First published in the Daily Maverick 168 weekly newspaper.
I realise that lately my friends and I spend more time in conversation about our childhoods and our formative years than we do about our lives today. Our parties are dominated by music from the 1990s and so are some of our fashion choices. We laugh over childhood stories that were once traumatic because in one another we have found kindred spirits who can relate to some of the events of our childhoods. We share memories of growing up in the townships, attending white schools for the first time and moving into white neighbourhoods.
There is safety and validation in sharing among people to whom your life experiences are not alien. I have found that sharing childhood memories with my white friends tends to elicit sympathy and guilt, which can make one feel the distinct discomforting otherness of their experiences.
Perhaps I enjoy the trips down memory lane with those with whom I have a shared history despite it being somewhat traumatic because some of us are able to deeply reflect on it in a way that defuses the trauma and also because there are no surprises in the past. It’s like watching a movie we have seen before; we can do so with some ease because we know that we make it through high school after all. Because of our present vantage point we can remember our past with a fuller context, a better view of our trajectory and with a kind of wisdom that can only be attained from prevailing over the difficulties that most of us grew up in.
But I admit that I have a problem with white memory or nostalgia. Any time a white person of my generation or older reminisces about or recounts a past alien to mine, I cannot help but feel aggrieved. Also, when this sharing happens without contextualisation or deep reflection, it can be particularly insensitive and somewhat callous.
A black friend of mine, who lives in the suburbs, was a spectator to such white nostalgia when the community WhatsApp group chat took a trip down memory lane, with her neighbours sharing memories of an idyllic childhood in this suburb, which they also happened to have grown up in under apartheid South Africa. A time when my black friend could not, by law, have lived in this suburb. My friend could not relate to these memories of suburbia and to some extent was offended by the nostalgia.
Yes, we know our white counterparts had it good with their regular, carefree trips to the movies, well-stocked libraries, ice cream parlours and the zoo. We know they grew up largely unrestricted compared with our very contracted lives, but having it confirmed over and over again can ignite an unwelcome resentment. You would think by now with the awareness of how much the majority was deprived of, that there would be some sensitivity in how white people remembered.
This WhatsApp conversation was personal to me because my grandmother worked as a maid in that same neighbourhood. She was probably one of the reasons these white childhoods were so abundant. The white families that Gladys Mankayi laboured for until she dropped dead in 1987 have more memories of her than I do. So whenever I hear my white counterparts share memories of their childhoods unreflectively, it is not innocuous – I know that in some cases like my grandma it came at the cost of her health and life. It is a reminder of what was taken from us. More often than not their picture-perfect childhoods were only possible through the denial of our own.
What is whole in them is void in us. The past is never just the past. It is highly contested and charged, and can derail any budding friendships or communities. For the chance to form truly sustainable bonds, let’s remember with care. DM168
This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper which is available for free to Pick n Pay Smart Shoppers at these Pick n Pay stores.
Where or when does white = guilty stop?
Should 25y old whites also be affirmatively sensitive to the lives their parents or grandparents lived?
I’m afraid we will never get over our past. The old whites will die here, the youth will raise children in a foreign country. No rainbow in sight :/
“Should 25y old whites also be affirmatively sensitive to the lives their parents or grandparents lived?”
It’s strange that you frame this as if it’s not a reasonable expectation. Imagine your parents or grandparents lived in Nazi Germany. Assuming you had any moral compass and weren’t wracked with denialism, it makes perfect sense that you would grapple with this history and the ways in which your elders crossed paths with it.
Reflecting on the wrongs of the past is one thing. Being told that you shouldn’t remember your childhood in case it offends someone is something else altogether.
The article isn’t saying you shouldn’t remember, but to also remember the context in which that memory occurred, especially when you’re in the (virtual or face-to-face) presence of someone who was a victim of the circumstances you remember fondly.
To continue the Nazi comparison, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a German Jew who made it out of that era to find it painful when their non-Jewish counterparts would wax lyrical about the good old days, without any critical reflection, especially in their presence. By contrast, if these DM comments are anything to go by, somehow white South Africans feel that either they should live by different standards or that black South Africans should toughen up. Either assumption exacerbates the problem and dodges the reality.
Fact is, Ms Xaso seems to be quite happy to reminisce about her happy youth, moving into an erstwhile white neighbourhood, attending a white school, and possibly even having another Gladys Mankayi assisting in the functioning of their home. Happy memories.
Should she be sensitive, then, to the fact that some of the readers of her column might not have had that happy youth, and remain in the township and in the township school? Or farm school? Or squatter camp and no school?
Or, is she free to reminisce? Not gloat, but simply reminisce, without guilt for having had and continuing to have a more privileged life than someone else, who at this moment might be reading about her good fortune, and is confronted with the fact that they were not that fortunate.
Or is guilt reserved for whites only?
I’m with Hendrik JVR on this one … well said!
Well said, Jacques.
Jacques is spot on. The sad fact is that the wrongs of decades – centuries? – MUST be recognised. Not in a guilty sense, but an understanding of the privilege that others weren’t afforded. A simple example can be found in the transer of inter-generational wealth. Two equally capable men in 1946 (yes, men…we’re talking about ’46…)…one white, one black… what are their opportunities going forward? One has the world as his oyster, the other is oppressed & marginalised. Sixty years later, the descendants of the white man have inherited ‘the earth’. The black man? Unless he was seriously lucky &/or super-humanly exceptional, his descendants have missed 60 years of wealth & opportunity building. And, yes, I know Apartheid ‘ended’ in 1995. Economic Apartheid, however, still lingers…everywhere. The cost of lost generations. We should be deeply conscious of this as we reminisce about the ‘wonder days’ of the few.
Can you please explain how “Being told that you shouldn’t remember your childhood in case it offends someone is something else altogether” connects to the content of the article?
Jaques, I do not believe young Germans should carry forward assigned & assumed guilt in the manner the author seems to expect all white South Africans to be subject to, seemingly forever.
I do not deny non-whites were victims under Apartheid. That does not make all whites forever perpetrators any more than it makes all non-whites forever victims.
Acknowledging the reality of and engaging with past brutalities done in one’s name is not the same as assuming guilt though, and in my experience people who feel guilt tend to be the quiet ones. But the past doesn’t vanish, and it certainly needs to be engaged and talked about on all levels while the ideology (racism) and structural consequences (racial inequality) remain. The alternative is a recipe for disaster.
Maybe a punitive sentence in 1994 would have been better. Pay 50% net wealth tax to a Sovereign Fund that oversees direct compensation.
At least it would have been over and done with.
Instead now we have this damned suspended-in-purgatory culture where all non-whites regardless of age or circumstance are forever victims and all whites regardless of age or cicumstance are forever perpetrators.
Time to move on, no matter how much you like engaging
Thank you for sharing Lwando. This is such an important read!
Are whites not entitled to anything anymore? Not even their memories?
Can you please explain how you have come to this conclusion, especially with reference to the article?
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be . . .
Being resentful of the memories of someone who was better off than you and admonishing them over those memories is truly a whole new level of entitlement and absurdity.
tl;dr: despite having every possible advantage enshrined in law and regulation today, I remain a victim.
You sir, are missing the point completely. Go read the article again.
Completely missing the point! It’s not that you were better off…or remembering those fine days of yore…but how & where you express them should be handled delicately. Your ‘best of times’ came at a horrendous expense of others. I can never forget small boys…my age!…selling newspapers on street corners (sniffing paper bags) as I went to school in my spiffy uniform. I looked at them & struggled to understand. (In fact, I was sometimes envious. Why could I not be out here?) In due course, the full horror of that vision seared me… One small example of the ‘good old days’.
Ms Xosa states that neighbours reminiscing on a Whatsapp group about their happy memories in their neighbourhood offended a friend of hers, who by law, could not grow up there. Likewise, she also admits to being resentful when she witnesses such nostalgic recollection.
She doesn’t state whether the WA conversation was gloating in any way. Presumably it wasn’t. Presumably it was along the lines of “remember how we used to play in the park, walk to the library, when the ice cream truck used to come through on Saturdays”, etc.
This article states that such reminiscing is offensive and causes offense to Ms Xosa, her friend, and presumably, all or most black people. The implication is that whites (only whites, not coloureds, or Indians, or blacks who happened to grow up privileged), should be more sensitive when discussing these things, in case they offend.
Yes, I have a problem with that. In my view it is taking political correctness too far. We end up in a situation where we can’t invite Ms Xosa to the braai on Friday night, because every time we remember a school rugby match, or the nice old Greek oom who ran the corner cafe, we are offending her. Is that what we want? It’s not what I want. I’m not sure it’s what she wants.
I would also have been more receptive to Ms Xosa’s message, had she given at least some recognition to her own privilege. Should she also be more sensitive before reminiscing about her model C school days in case she offends? In her view, clearly not.
Agreed.
Thank you…good article> Even today, I am horrified when I read some of the articles and comments of certain right group channels on YouTube
This is an interesting read and must have taken much painstaking thought before putting the proverbial pen to paper to share such deep and honest feelings. Black South Africans moving in to traditionally white neighbourhoods are essentially like first generation immigrants even though we were all born in the same country. We will not share the same pasts (And this can bu hugely divisive) but our children growing up together in these neighbourhoods will share the same future and hopefully the same happy memories. I can’t imagine how tough this is but I believe it essential in changing the landscape of our country. For the white people bemoaning this article, maybe you could try put yourself in your neighbours shoes and instead of shunning an article like this, rather be open-minded to someone’s honest thoughts and try to be part of the change to embrace a truly diverse and inclusive society.
Totally agree, Kieran. Perhaps those who bemoan this type of articles should start informing themselves more concerning black history and culture.
Ina: it is condescending when you group all of black experience together as a unity. Black is race, it is nothing more. It is not a unitary culture any more than Afrikaans is not a culture. If you consider the Breytenbach family with one brother a convicted traitor and the other the head of special forces you might start to comprehend how flawed “black culture” or “afrikaner culture” is as a concept.
Kieran, thank you for your perceptive and thoughtful response. Hopefully it will help some people to reflect on their initial reactions to the original piece.
I believe that the kind of attitude that is voiced in this article is precisely what leads to less inclusivity in our diverse society. In my view, tip-toeing around one another will not make our interactions more inclusive, but it will have the opposite effect.
Why?
In Ms Xosa’s article she did not mention that the recollection on the WA group was offensive because it was rude or gloating. So, I assume that the reminiscing was innocent. So, it is the innocent act of reminiscing that was offensive to her, because she and her forbears had been excluded from similar experiences.
So, if we agree that white people are allowed to have their memories and share their memories with one another, then we are leaving them no option but to do so separately from people whom they might offend. If they want to reminisce without causing offense, which decent people would want to do, then they have no choice but to only reminisce without Ms Xosa and her friend.
Should they now create a separate, whites-only (shudder) WA group where they can share their offensive memories? How will that make Ms Xosa feel? Or should they simply not reminisce at all, which a lot of responders to my comments have assured me is not the goal.
Or, is a better alternative for Ms Xosa to recognise how their memories make her feel, and then, perhaps, also recognise that she is one of the very few fortunate ones amongst her peers who have broken free to live in the suburbs and make memories of their own?
Lovely piece, thank you. Reading the comments, I am surprised that people find being asked to be more thoughtful so offensive. Nobody is denying anyone their memories, just reminding them of the context.
Sensitivity is a must in white nolstagia… nothing worse than an old white South African saying “back in the good old days”. This too, brings my blood to a boil. However resenting or restricting one from enjoying any good childhood memory is disenfranchising and, quite frankly, an abuse of progression.
If our memories are us, then an attack on our memories is an attack on ourselves. So it’s not surprising when people become defensive about how very different other people’s experience of the same time was. That doesn’t mean these other perspectives aren’t valid though – all memories are equally valid – and we should all be able to incorporate new perspectives into our lives. Doing that doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty – unless you genuinely have something to feel guilty about. It just means you sometimes have to adjust your views a little and acknowledge that your history was not the only history. Doing that doesn’t mean you are being oppressed – it’s just a consequence of living in the modern world where we are confronted daily by things that were always hidden in the past.
If there’s a difference between how she views for example, my childhood memories vs. that of Patrice Motsepe’s children, then her problem is nothing but racial prejudice. Besides race there are many other factors that determine privilege and many are not even materialistic. I was raised not to eat my ice cream in full view of the less fortunate and I teach my children the same. Of course, I don’t always have my own ice cream and I know the feeling to watch someone enjoy a privilege I don’t have. If you describe that feeling as ‘envy’, it’s normal, if it’s ‘resentment’ then the problem lies with you. I never hated anyone for having an ice cream.
Silently resenting white people recollecting a happy childhood will add nothing to anyone’s world no matter the validity of your views- it might well make it a worse place. Those white people cannot change their childhoods anymore than you can. Rather, share and educate. Recount your own memories from that time to those white people so they can get a first hand perspective of the country you grew up in and reconsider/shape their worldview. Be proud of your memories that have made you who you are and use them to make the world a better place, not a resentful one – your granny played a huge role in those white families lives, even if they did not see or understand it. Let her memory and legacy go on today and use it to move the world forward, not back.
“A victim mentality is a prolonged form of suicide” – Steve Maraboli
That plus its perpetrator version summarises my feelings.