Word coming from Luthuli House is that Fikile Mbalula – windbag secretary-general of the misruling ANC – is raving mad at developments at the EFF’s recent 10th birthday rally.

Those in the know whisper that the newest SG in this century-odd-old movement is looking for ways to get back at fellow loudmouth Julius Malema.

There are even whispers that the SG has been paging through the Constitution and consulting with criminal law experts to see whether Malema can’t be brought before the might of the law for his stage-lift stunt at the end of his address at the FNB Stadium.

Jislaaik, you don’t have to be a fan of the African version of Kim Jong Un to like that stunt. That was slick, too slick, the kind of thing every self-respecting dictator would like to repeat over and over.

It reminded me of the exploits of one Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbendu wa za Banga. In his heyday as president and everything else of Zaire, Mobutu apparently forced the creatives at the state-owned television station to create a graphic of him descending from the sky before each news bulletin. And each news bulletin started with an item about the good work being carried out by his excellency, the president.

Well, in case you missed out because your TV was stolen in a house robbery, which has become one of our national sports in these democratic years, let me fill you in.

Thousands of Malema’s supporters, about 100,000 of them with red shoes, pants, hats, shirts, scarves and nails, packed the FNB Stadium on the outskirts of Soweto.

The occasion was the 10th anniversary of the launch of the EFF, which has ousted old favourites such as Inkatha as one of the popular political parties in the land since its launch.

At the end of his usual fiery speech, Malema, in a well-choreographed move, was lifted high into the FNB Stadium sky on a hydraulic platform, so that from a distance he looked like a slightly malnourished version of Kim.

His boisterous followers cheered and chanted in admiration as the man from Seshego gave the black power salute.

Procure something similar

Malema’s stunt has now apparently drawn the ire of Mbalula, who it is alleged has since been pestering the guys at Public Works to procure something similar, or even much more sophisticated, for his use.

Word from Cape Town is that baas John Steenhuisen has also made inquiries about being lifted high on a windmill during one of his dry addresses about fear and despair.

A well-placed source from KwaZulu-Natal suggested to Mr Styles that the Inkatha life president has also made inquiries about being carried sky-high by an army of amabutho (regiments).

With the ongoing battles rocking Cope, one wonders what would have happened had its owner Mosiuoa Lekota been hoisted aloft during one of those rallies attended by 23 of his supporters and supporters of his opponents.

Christ, I don’t even want to think about it – poor Lekota, all 100kg of him, being pelted with stones and sent crashing down while his nemesis Willie Madisha shouts, “Hooong! Hooong! Hooong!”

Anyway, still on Mbaks, can ANC benefactors please club together and get their secretary-general a proper functioning watch before things spiral out of control?

Mbalula raised the ire of the ANC elders during their Veterans League conference. Mbaks tested the faith of the ANC veterans by keeping their arthritic bones and limbs and failing memories waiting for hours before he arrived to deliver the opening address at their conference.

Mr Styles has it on good authority that the elders were not really looking forward to the address by the SG anyway. Let’s be honest, how many people are brave enough to endure an audience with that man, whose speeches sound more like the roar of an earth-moving machine than subjects of intellectual and political stimulation?

Thank your gods and their gods

If you have never heard Mbalula deliver a public address, thank your gods and their gods for saving your ears and brain from the torture.

Um, maybe let’s think of it this way. When Mbalula speaks it’s like the noise you would hear if you ever had the misfortune of being trapped in a construction site with dozens of machines grinding and pushing all at the same time, with no rhythm whatsoever.

I felt really sorry for the ANC veterans when I learnt they were going to be addressed by Mbaks. Most of those cadres had the pleasure and honour of being addressed by fine political brains over the decades, men whose tongues dripped with orgasmic political content.

These are men whose words inspired young and old to dream and act in pursuance of political and economic freedom, who were reflective, calculating and analytical in their speeches.

Now, the thing is, if you were to chance upon Mbalula addressing a gathering without realising who was actually on the podium, you would be forgiven for thinking it was just a routine meeting of disgruntled, half-sober shebeen owners under way.

Which makes me believe my informants were spot-on when they mentioned that some of the veterans had armed themselves with top-of-the-range ear plugs in preparation for the address by the SG.

Suffer the elders who might be wondering, still, what wrong they have visited upon the gods to have such an unpolished, loudmouthed, crass comrade unleashed on them.

One wonders what it would take to have someone whisper a few words of advice and wisdom to the man to say, “Ay comrade, you are no longer a child, man. Grow up, have some style, maaan!”

Word emanating from the conference is that the veterans were totally unhappy about Mbalula’s failure to arrive on time to deliver his opening address. Well, apparently their gripe was not so much about him arriving two hours late.

I mean, ANC people are used to waiting long hours for their leaders to arrive and address them. Which is why, to them, making poor people wait 20 years for an RDP house is nothing.

No, they were unhappy to be kept waiting for so long just so that they could be tortured by this not-so-young man. The veterans just wanted the man to deliver his non-speech and leave them alone so they could continue with their veteran business. In fact, some were so not looking forward to the address by Mbaks that they were even calling for the speech to be moved forward by at least a few hours while they still had the energy. Not so stylish… DM

Mr Styles is the former president of the Organisation for Stylish People of South Africa (Osposa). He is against anything and anyone unstylish.

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R29.