We don’t know where to start. We’ve tried writing this letter a number of times and had to delete the expletives and start again. We even asked ChatGPT to help us write what we wanted to say; it just shrugged and shut down.

There are times when the South African government is SO unbelievably stupid, SO arrogant, SO utterly callous that even we (yeah, Daily Maverick) are lost for words.

But we’ll try anyway.

For the attention of Tourism Minister Lindiwe Sisulu
Cc: President Ramaphosa

WHAT THE ACTUAL F ARE YOU DOING?

Follow-up question: Did you not think the citizens of South Africa would NOTICE that you spent R1-billion on sponsoring an English FOOTBALL TEAM? Did you just hope that this would sneak by us? That this deal could go through and the country would turn a blind eye?

Follow-up question to the follow-up question, after thousands of previous questions:

HAVE YOU NO SHAME? (You do understand the meaning of “shame”?)

Here are some basics around tourism:

Tourists like electricity. Demanding, we know. Imagine having the lofty ambitions of going on holiday to a country that had a consistent energy supply.

Tourists also like water. Not just fancy swimming pools but, you know, the elixir of life. The stuff you use when you want to brush your teeth. The liquid that comes from taps and that keeps us alive?

Tourists also enjoy value. They like going to restaurants and bars where they can eat great food and shake their heads at “how cheap” it all is. They like to do little calculations of how many pounds sterling or euro that same meal would cost at home. Do you know what they do then? They order another bottle of locally produced wine in celebration of their saving.

Tourists like to swim in the sea. The actual ocean. Not the sewage-infested water because load shedding has shut down the water-treatment plant again.

You want to spend R1-billion of taxpayers’ money to have the honour of sponsoring a football team? Here’s an idea, and we won’t charge you for it: GIVE THE MONEY TO ESKOM. Stop TALKING about fixing the problem by declaring a National State of Disaster (also, by the way, not good for tourism!) and actually FIX. THE. BLOODY. PROBLEM.

As any high-school business studies book will tell you: if the product is good enough, you don’t need to spend R1-billion on otherwise meaningless marketing. South Africa is good without it: we’ve got sun (which, again no charge for this bit of epiphany, provides ENERGY and ATTRACTS TOURISTS), we’ve got amazing restaurants, incredible vineyards, a natural beauty that is second to none, and it is filled with beautiful, friendly, kind people (not you).

Let’s say it again but in bold this time: If the product is good enough, you don’t need to spend R1-billion on marketing. How do we at Daily Maverick know this? Because our product is good; in fact our journalism is so good that we’re able to expose all your corrupt shenanigans.

We don’t even charge our readers for it. We don’t charge them, because the whole of South Africa needs to know how our government is spending our taxes. And guess what? More than 20,000 of our readers now contribute to keep us going, to keep us free for everyone else, because they understand that the more money we collect, the more journalism there will be.

Our product is so good that people are paying for a free service. You know what our marketing budget is?

One (angry) copywriter.

FIX. THE. PROBLEM. STOP. WASTING. OUR. TAXES.

Sincerely,

Daily Maverick

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