Dear Diary,

I have never been so emotionally invested in a fictional character as I am in Duduzile Zuma, the daughter of the former president-cum-mafia boss on my favourite series, The South Africa Show. Admittedly, the trope of the sheltered daughter of a mob boss is not exactly new, but I love how the show’s writers have really given this would-be princess a voice. She’s out there and outspoken in daddy’s defence, and as a nod to the fantasy genre, the writers have also given her an army of very talented pet RETs to lead in the fight for his freedom.

Unsurprisingly, all of this takes its toll on her, and the show brilliantly uses her tweets as a device to give us an insight into her deteriorating and delusional mental state. Without fail, she makes sure to capitalise the first letter of every word in her tweets, kind of like one would for a book title, or when titling an important work of art. That said, in my opinion, her tweets are indeed works of art that deserve to be typed in title case. Were she a real person instead of a wildly fictional character, I would save each one of them and sell them as NFTs.

Exhibit A: on episode one of the Xmas Special, she and her daddy walked into the governing party’s elective con a bit late, just as the president was going to make a speech, thereby causing lots of commotion and further delaying the troubled billionaire’s long-awaited utterances. Her hair done up in stuuuuning waist-length platinum blonde braids, looking every bit like South Africa’s very own Insurrection Barbie, she grabbed her phone and tweeted in characteristic title case:

“It Really Wasn’t Planned. It Was A Coincidence. It Was God’s Plan.”

Bless!

It must have been a slow Friday for God; no cancers to cure, no wars to stop, no lives to save, just vibes and planning daddy Zuma’s grand entrance. Over the next few episodes of the Xmas Special, the show gives us an even more intimate look at a paranoid mind increasingly detached from reality.

In episode three, which aired on 18 December, the princess thumbs tweet:

“What We Can Gather Is:

1) Akabuyi

2) There Will Be No Woman President

3) Judging By The Singing…There Will Be A New ANC President”

Presumably, “Akabuyi [he is not coming back]” is referring to the Ramaphosa character. Naturally, she was wrong. Her second point, she Gathers correctly; indeed, the presidential office continues to elude her former stepmom. As for her third assumption, she clearly overrates the power of song; which is understandable. After all, her daddy was and remains one of the country’s best singers. Some say his performances were so mesmerising they could keep millions of citizens transfixed while his goons emptied their wallets and their homes.

Seemingly concerned that one tweet might not be enough to manifest her daddy’s comeback, she tweets again later that day:

“Cyril, One Term President

DD, One Term Deputy President

Looks Like Paul Is Going To Be The Only One Returning…”

Over the next 24 hours, as things begin to look bleak for daddy, a series of heartbreaking tweets show daddy’s Dudu to be completely losing touch with reality, in real-time: “One Thing Is Certain, Like The Sun Rises In The Morning…AKABUYI!!!” she tweets with even more capital letters than usual, just hours before Cyril’s victory is confirmed, almost as though she was talking to herself, trying to convince herself that Cyril shan’t return.

“How’s The World Cup Going? We Are Busy Slaughtering A Buffalo Here…”

Sigh.

“The Return Of Brian And Koko Is Imminent…Load Shedding Will STOP AGAIN!!!”

My heart sinks as I witness one of the most tragic moments on screen. Ag shame man, daddy’s diamond Dudu.

Minutes later, Cyril Ramaphosa’s victory is officially announced, and Dudu goes quiet, before recovering a couple of hours later to tweet and laugh maniacally in eight emojis: “Ya’ll Are Waiting For Me To Tweet…🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣”

Some low-vibrational viewers prone to giving themselves over to schadenfreude may indeed have been waiting for daddy’s Dudu to continue live-tweeting her tragic descent into madness, but not I.

Still, I must congratulate the writers and the actress for giving us such a nuanced portrayal of power’s descent into madness. Lady Macbeth could never!!!

Give that actress a Safta right now!

DM/ML