Anyone who has a definitive answer to this question doesn’t read enough

Beach with my bush out. (That’s a joke – I basically wear a burkini to the beach these days).

How most of us could lie around bingeing Netflix while the planet burned.

Honestly, every day I continue to be employed by Daily Maverick.

The film I have watched the most times is The English Patient, and I weep uncontrollably every time Count Almsay leaves Katherine Clifton in that desert cave because WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Just snuggle there and die together.

My wife Haji’s, because then I wouldn’t have to bother her so much with what she calls my “incessant squawking” (ie: reasonable levels of conversation).

Insincerity; needless cruelty; lack of clarity in writing.

Considering how much tennis I play I am extraordinarily mediocre at it, but every now and then I can muster a blistering forehand down the line. I also have exquisite handwriting.

Two friends with whom I share a WhatsApp group called ‘Chardy Club’.

“I honestly don’t know why Haji refuses to watch this show with me because her normal threshold for trash TV is subterranean”.

Anyone who can get through a full day without a nap, because for me pulling an all-dayer is terribly difficult.

Too many to list, spanning categories including the obvious (Historical Bad Guys) and the less obvious (Obnoxious Dudes From University Tutorials Against Whom I Still Hold Violent Grudges).

Smoked salmon for starters, cheeseburger and chips for mains, and for dessert the pineapple-upside down cake my mother used to make in my childhood and then abruptly stopped. I’m assuming she couldn’t refuse to whip one up for my last supper.

Definitely something to do with my appalling driving.

Dressing up as Pip the Christmas Elf in a Swindon (UK) shopping centre and having to try to prevent the feral youth of Swindon from simulating bum-sex with my co-star Minty the Polar Bear.

It’s already broken, dudes.

“Just keep going. No feeling is final.” – Rilke

Men, and abolish the one for women, because it’s really South African men who need to be sitting in circles all day dialoguing about why they do the things they do.

I was going to say “cooked food”, but then I realised that’s what an oven is. I really must investigate mine.

I have FRIGHTENING gaps in my knowledge about practically everything.