The inaugural parliamentary Oscars

Dear Mr President,

I trust this email finds you vaccinated.

Due to various cosmic events, I recently awoke to my unique psychic abilities. I won’t waste your precious presidential time by going too deep into that. I have described this uniquely vibrational phase in my life elsewhere in these pages, where I shared the epiphanic life moment when I was called to practice numerology through baptism by four. I’d love for you to read it when you have a moment.

Mr President, since then, the epiphanies have continued. Most recently, I have discovered a revolutionary mindfulness technique that harnesses the higher vibrational power of the moon above us. I have learnt to align my thinking process with its cycles for maximum effect. To put it simply, I now limit all my thinking to full moon days. I have found that by practising absolutely zero thought during lesser moons, be it crescent or half, I not only experience more intense and greater thoughts during the full moon period, I have also attained the kind of peace that even the most enlightened bodhisattva can only dream of. 

All this peace, while living in 2021 South Africa: call it extreme mindfulness.

This leads to the reason for my letter. As the moon filled to the brim on the eve of South Africa’s annual Freedom Day, I dove deep into my monthly day of thought. I came across your heartfelt congratulatory letter to the team behind the Oscar-winning South African documentary, My Octopus Teacher.  Right there and then, I had what I believe to be my greatest and possibly most consequential thought this year: The Parliamentary Oscars.

Hear me out, Mr President.

Reports of your struggles with parliamentarians and other cogs in the governing machine abound. It seems much has spiralled out of control. But I have come to realise that part of the problem with 21st century politics is that we hang on to antiquated criteria when we judge the performance of politicians. We judge them on governing, transformation, and social change, as if that’s what got them there. We judge them on numbers and results, as if they were a bunch of corporate clones jonesing for a high score on their annual performance review. 

I believe we should be judging them on criteria closer to their true talent – the performing arts. It is time, Mr President, to reward them for the superior storytellers and actors they are. After all, that storytelling and acting ability, Mr President, is the talent that got many of them where they are.

Some of the best thespian talent our country has to offer is right under your presidential nose. Just take a look at the incredible range of an actor such as Julius Malema. Remember some of his earlier work, when he dropped one of the most iconic lines back in the 2008 movie, To Die For, To Kill For: “We are prepared to die for Zuma. We are prepared to take up arms and kill for Zuma.” Goosebumps! Such great, spine-chilling delivery. 

And just a few years later, when he took on the roles of lead actor and director of the sequel, the 2014 blockbuster, #PayBacktheMoney, I was totally gripped by his performance. And I hear he is working on a third and final entry to this most iconic trilogy, High teas and high jinks: The prodigal son returns, let’s dance like we did last Zuma. I absolutely cannot wait!

The range this man has! I even love some of his recent experimental stuff. I remember the week his short film, The Clicks Saga, came out. He had the nation and the Twitterati in a tizz. I recall the exact way he’d whipped the nation to go see the flick at a Clicks near you; I was somewhere in the Eastern Cape, Fort Beaufort to be specific, queuing at the Clicks pharmacy for my prescription, along with tens of other South Africans from surrounding villages; not a Dischem in sight for hundreds of kays around us. 

His performance in that role really had me contemplating how many days I could skip before refilling my life-saving prescription. He gave us such challenging and engaging material. Mr President, hold the Bell’s, make the parliamentary Oscars a reality and give this man his well-deserved Best Actor Oscar. Do not do to him what they did to Leo.

Admittedly, not all are as talented. I must confess, in loving compassion, that I do find the actor John Steenhuisen’s screen performance somewhat lacking. But I’m sure that should he ever choose to finally pursue a tertiary education, there’s a university drama course out there that could help him realise his full potential. But for now, I do find his performance to be a bit one-dimensional and, oddly enough, a bit like my favourite chardonnay: creamy, rich, white and wooded. Sometimes it’s almost like there’s a very talented ventriloquist’s hand at work behind him.

Speaking of Helen, now there’s a truly strong Best Actress contender. Take a seat Meryl Streep and let our Helen Zille show you how to truly embody a character. I am as fascinated as anybody with her current role as Stay-Woke-Go-Broke-Helen; and I was intrigued by her successful stint as a YouTube sensation on her show Tea with Helen, which came long before Tea with Zuma, by the way, but Amandla-Helen, circa 2009, remains my favourite of her roles.

The way she toyi-toyi’d into the hearts of South African audiences of all races, and espoused the ideals that would bring more young black performers into her troupe, seemed to usher in the era of inclusion in the performing arts. What an actress! The woman literally wore a doek, a dashiki, spoke isiXhosa, and literally stirred those black pots with three legs over an open fire. This is method acting of the highest order. In those days, who could imagine she would be just as convincing in a later role as Imperialism-Gave-Africans-Life-Helen? While we wait for that parliamentary Oscar, I suggest we all stand and give this woman the ovation she deserves.

It would be remiss of me, Mr President, if I didn’t remind you of her selflessness, such as when she championed then little-known preacher, and Best Supporting Actor in my opinion, Pastor Mmusi Maimane. This guy really took on his role in her performance troupe fabulously. Sometimes, when I find myself Netflixed out and in need of fine South African fiction, I go on over to YouTube and stream some of his greatest performances. 

Who can forget his 2014 film,