SATIRICALLY SPEAKING 168
Ace Ace Baby
Dear Mr Most Honourable Ace Magashule...
I trust this email finds you well.
First, as this is my third email, I must apologise if this feels like I’m spamming you. But you know what they say, third time lucky. As per my previous emails, I would like to present a potential opportunity for your next act, as a hip-hop star true to the times, while also reimagining the gangsta rap subgenre of hip-hop that was extremely popular in the 1990s. I invite you to do this not only for a new generation of hip-hop heads, but also for older audiences like this writer, who remember the heydays of gangsta rap, the age of real Gs when rap superstars were actual gun-toting gangsters and not a bunch of privileged kids capitalising on the lived experiences of others.
You sir are a real G.
To be clear, I am not at all suggesting that you are guilty of the fake allegations against your honourable self, but rather that it seems these smears have stuck to your name in the public’s imagination, and, astute businessman that you are, I’m sure you can appreciate the lucrative opportunity at hand. You will not even need to convince the potential listeners of your street cred; yours could be the most authentic-sounding addition to the 21st-century hip-hop canon.
Second, we’re going to need a stage name. I was thinking Masta Ace, but sadly, as you might know, that’s already taken by that American rapper. So I’m thinking we go with Ace MAGA, as in Ace Makes Ace Great Again. The authenticity would be undeniable. South Africa is now on its fourth president, not counting KM’s interim stint. No one counts it. In each of the administrations, they’ve tried to smear your good name and struggle cred, yet you rise with each one, becoming greater than before, because no matter the allegations, no matter the wild creatures you have to deal with, be they hawks or scorpions, or pesky dung beetles, aka amaBhungane in isiZulu, Ace always makes Ace great again.
This being your first musical work, I don’t think it necessary to go with a “full album”. You can look at a possible EP or mixtape. I’m leaning towards the latter for the creative freedom it might provide.
I hope you don’t think me too forward, but I’ve gone ahead and worked on a potential track list as well as a potential title for the mixtape. For the title I’m thinking maybe we go with I’ve got my foot on your NEC. What do you think?
For the track list, here are some suggestions:
- Foot on your NEC (title track)
- Capture dem
- No Ace in the hole
- An Ace and a joker: NoLuvLetta to Shamila
- Free State of mind
- The Birdwatcher: Eye on the Hawks
- Internal exile. Take me back to Fontana
- No venom Scorpion
- I wonder Nokwanda. RIP Noby
Hip-hop purists have a tendency to think that every hip-hop artist must write their own rhymes. What they don’t understand is the creative spark that comes with collaboration. To that end I’ve got some suggestions for potential lines that you could perhaps expand on and infuse with the authenticity of your alleged lived experience. Please excuse the violence in the lyrics. Pacifist that you are, I know some of them might offend. But please understand that due to the nature of the genre, as well as your image in the public imaginary, I do think it would be best to lean into that image a bit more to give the work it’s best chance at success.
Being the kind of man who is known to put your family’s financial well-being first, I’m sure you can appreciate what the commercial success of this project can do for your family. If this works as well as I think it might, your daughter, poor Thoko, won’t have to bother with R150-million housing tenders and buying overpriced Shell petrol stations. Not to mention your brother Ezekiel, having his name dragged through the mud for a measly R300-million grass-cutting tender.
Truly, the masses have no appreciation for the price of superior landscaping skills.
Anyway, here is my attempt at the first verse, chorus and potential closing line for the title track, Foot on your NEC, perhaps you can play around with it and add a couple more verses?
Yo yo, it’s Ace in the house…and it’s not an RDP house ho
Yo selecta, gimme a beat to rhyme to
My duffel bag stays stacked with bank notes
While you NPA losers carry totes
You ain’t never gonna mess with my bag
Even if your name is Pieter-Louis Myburgh
Out here calling it a gangster state
All because a man and his family ate
That stupid puta tryna do me like a Gupta
Try that mess again and your face will catch scars
B*tch you ain’t never gonna see me behind bars
Boy you better hou jou bek
While I keep my foot on your NEC
Just gimme the loot
Or find yourself locked in a boot
It’s ACE MAGA ho and I’m out
And thanks to the people’s votes Imma stay out
I really hope you like it sir, I can’t wait to hear the words come out your mouth. I’ve got a couple more verses I worked on for a couple of the other tracks that I think you can also expand on using more of your alleged lived experience. What do you think of this for Ace and the Joker: NoLuvLetta to Shamila?
Her face tryna look poker,
Still I wouldn’t poke her
Might take my gun and smoke her
She ain’t nothing but a joker
Tryna make Ace go loco
What do you think sir? Please run with it, make it your own, give it gunpowder and make it resonate. And please do excuse the length of this email. I understand you are a busy man Secretary G. After all, the pandemic is far from over and, as I have read elsewhere, your generous family remains at the frontlines.
I understand your son, Tshepiso, the sole director of Motheko Projects received a Covid-19-related tender of R2.29-million from the Free State provincial treasury, and your young one, sweet Thato, the sole director of Marvel Deeds, received a contract valued at R427,221. I wish them all the best and I truly appreciate the work your family is doing to get us past this thing. Personally I think your entire clan should just be put in control of the entire Solidarity Fund.
Nonetheless, many continue to put your integrity into question, and I think this could make great source material for two of the tracks, Ace in the Hole and FamilyBizniss®; you choose and expand on the work your way:
Waiting to see me pay the price of crime
You’re wasting your time
You’ll never see Ace in the hole
Imma live the rest of my life free like LOL
Best you just keep out of my bizniss
Ace MAGA never leaves a witness
I’m so cold it’s a sickness
Last, before I leave you to the great art of statecraft from the shadows, I want to chat a bit about one of the tracks, Free State of mind. Unfortunately, I don’t have a verse or chorus for this one. Hence, I think this one is best left to you. But I do have a sense of what overall creative direction it could take.
While I think it might have great biographical potential and shed a bit more light on the past two decades, be it your time as MEC or as premier of the troubled Free State, during which you were unfairly accused of corruption mounting to billions of Rand, it also has the potential to inspire freedom from our electronic devices – a digital detox as it were.
Let me explain; I scanned through WMC agent Pieter-Louis Myburgh’s poorly written book of lies, Gangster State. Based on a bunch of anonymous interviews, he claims that: “Kickbacks due to him [you] from government contracts would be paid in cash, they all alleged, ensuring that any financial links to dodgy contractors were kept to a minimum. Furthermore, Magashule apparently often used trusted security guards, drivers and other aides to do his dirty work. He also avoided electronic communication and preferred to discuss ‘funny money’ and related matters in person.”
Sir, as far I am concerned, and as one who thinks we rely way too much on digital devices, I applaud your leadership in this regard, and I too will attempt to do far less in the digital virtual world. On top of that, we all know that WMC loves nothing more than sticking their pointy noses in our business, tracking us all the time, and when they can’t, they criminalise “in-person contact”, they try to stop it altogether. One word…PLANDEMIC.
Thank you for taking this time to read my letter. I hope to hear from you soon and I can’t wait to collaborate on this project. The heights we will rise to! Yours is a true hero’s journey in the classic literary mould.
They thought you were done for, now you are in the NEC’s top six, and you’re the second-most powerful in the organisation I hear. I’d go as far as saying your position makes you the moral compass of this great organisation. Where Ace goes, so will the ANC.
It is time to tell your story, resurrect gangsta rap and save hip-hop from posers.
Yours in rhyme and beat. DM/ ML