Dear Comrade Leader Papa Zuma,

Our father who art in Nkandla, hallowed be thy name. I trust this email finds you socially distant or, better yet, isolated.    

I have no doubt many a desperate and fame-seeking #WMC #CR17 #ThumaMinaMedia wannabe journalist jonesing for a book deal will write some sort of op-ed or so-called analysis of your situation over the next few days. Ignore them, Papa. This is a time to focus on people who truly matter: family. As the saying goes: when days are dark, friends are Niehaus. Nobody wants that, so best to just stick close to family.

You must be so proud of your son, the dashing young Duduzane, who has kicked off a campaign that will surely unseat the iPad president. I read that last weekend, while campaigning in KZN, he experienced something of an epiphany. He told a gathering of the hungry that “we did some door-to-door, what we saw is that poverty is alive. Poverty has not left us.” No Dudu, it hasn’t, my boy.

I’ve always believed that it is the responsibility of a good parent to shelter their children from the hardships of the world until they are ready. Not many a South African parent has been able to achieve what you have, Papa, not many have been able to shield their children from the seemingly ever-present spectacle of poverty well into their late thirties. But somehow, in June 2021, after years of record-breaking unemployment, and 15 months since the plague hit our country, your 37-year-old presidential hopeful has just come to the realisation that “poverty has not left us”. Adorable. You made quite the Dudu when you made that one. He is truly special. You must be beaming with pride.

I remember back in May when he told journalists about his plans to run for the presidency: “The plans are on. We’re going in and we’re going in thick and fast.” What refreshing honesty. Many politicians lie and present themselves as something they’re not, sharp and of a steady mind. No, not so for this bright young Dudu. He stands proud and loud in his truth, in who he is: “thick and fast”. Cyril must be shaking in his boots.

I’m sure you’re equally proud of his twin sister, Duduzile. She’s really come into her own of late as a sort of spiritual centre for the family. While the rest of us, your fans, wondered how you were doing after that – to borrow a Niehausian truth – “unjust sentence that has now been imposed on president Zuma by the Constitutional Court”, the other Dudu took to Twitter to let us know that she “Just Spoke To My Father, @PresJGZuma Is In High Spirits And Has No Fear. We Have A Choice Between Serving Our Time In Jhb Or Nkandla… Of Course We Have Chosen To Be Close To Home. Lockdown Or No Lockdown We Will Escourt You To Serve Your Time.”

Amazing to hear, Papa. Not many South Africans can maintain an outlook so eternally sunny that the prospect of 15 months’ imprisonment would inspire “high spirits”. Just look at their response to the past 15 months of lockdown. Seriously, the National Coronavirus Command Council even gamified it for them into different levels, but no, they refuse to be good sports. They could learn a thing or 50 billion from your stoicism.

Anyway, pay the ingrates no mind nor money. Like I said, this is a time for family, and perhaps a friend or two in low places. And you are certainly covered there. I recall back in February when your other Dudu took to Twitter to share one of her bright observations, along with images of Bheki Cele’s not #NkandlaTea visit. She tweeted: “No #NkandlaTea was served but great conversations and laughs were shared amongst Comrades, one of them being, should an arrest warrant be issued, it is the Minster that would come and fetch @PresJGZuma [*laughing emoji*]”

So precious, so prescient; I love other Dudu so much. And so it might come to pass, as she predicted, that should you not hand yourself in, the good “Comrade” Bheks Celz will have to “come and fetch” you from the very place where “great conversations and laughs were shared amongst Comrades” back in Level 2 Feb.

Actually, I must say, as a fan of classic gangster story tropes, I’m loving this Godfather-esque “top cop and top con fraternising at the mansion” storyline. So South African, and yet so global. Which brings me to the main reason for my email, which is to ask you if you would allow me to visit you during your upcoming Level 10-ish lockdown, to ask for your blessing to tell your story. I have long been an admirer of your work. Well, to be perfectly honest, not just your work, but everything about you. I have written much in these very pages, sharing the many ways I admire you. You don’t have to do so now, but should you find yourself with lots of time to spare in the coming weeks, please read my essay, “Let’s twist again, like we did last Zuma”, and if you should find yourself looking for answers to some of life’s deeper questions, please read some of my more spiritual writings on the wonders of numerology and how the number four has consistently been the guiding light over your life. Even now, with the 15-month sentence, it continues to play a role. What is 15 if not two digits that when the right one is subtracted from the other, will give us… wait for it… FOUR?! And I hear you will be eligible for parole in… drumroll… FOUR months!

As a fan of your work in the underexplored and underappreciated field of Non-fictional Fictive Storytelling, I have held on to one dream above all others, that one day I will be the one to tell the Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma story; a story of courage, passion and stamina. I imagine this to be a multiplatform production that can be told through a novel, a coffee table book, an Instagram account, a TikTok profile, a Eusebian multithread tweet, a year’s worth of Slack messages, and a multiseason Netflix documentary series that would put Tiger King to shame, with nine-hundred and thirty million three-thousand and six-thousand plot twists.

It would certainly be a far better production than the low-budget piece of rubbish I watched this week starring Justice Sisi. What was it she said? “It is indeed the lofty and lonely work of the Judiciary, impervious to public commentary and political rhetoric, to uphold, protect and apply the Constitution and the law at any and all costs.” She and the production company behind that whole film would do well to be far less impervious to aesthetics.

Don’t even bother watching it. Awful cinematography. The lighting is far too warm and yellow, especially for such a cold script and stilted delivery. Not to mention the horrible childish font on the Justice’s name plaque. Then there was that awful red-brick half-wall behind her. I just don’t get what’s happening to our public institutions since you left office. At least when you were in office you saw to it that public funds were spent on far more aesthetically pleasing interiors. Pardon my language, but red f**king brick? Like the stuff they use to build the holiday homes of previously disadvantaged Caucasians? Nkandla would never!!!

And then for her to say that the sentence is unappealable?!?!?! What in the Mazonne articles is that supposed to even mean? I have watched LLB television since I was a child, from Night Court to Judge Judy to every episode of Law and Order, even the Law and Order: LA spinoff. I even watched the first two seasons of The Good Wife. And I have never heard the word unappealable! Seriously, what in the Dali Mpofu?

Anyway, let me not waste any more of your time; it is, no doubt, of the essence.

I hope you will consider my humble request, and allow me a visit, at least so that I may present these ideas to you in person, Papa. I truly believe the nation needs to hear your story from thine own lips. While daddy’s two special Dudus seem to have blossomed and found their place in the world, be it Nkandla or Dubai, I believe the archive that could come out of this would be beneficial to your estimated 18 other children, so that one day, they too may follow in your footsteps, and Dudu all over the nation, as it were. Who needs the #Thembisa10 when you can have the #Nkandla20?

I look forward to hearing from you. Please pass my greetings to Mrs Zuma, Mrs Zuma, Mrs Zuma and Mrs Zuma.

A loota continua!

M. DM/ML