It’s a toss up between The Magus by John Fowles and Ghostwritten by David Mitchell. The Magus probably takes it, because there are two versions out there with different endings, something that totally threw me when I read the second one the first time.

Bush, preferably with a tigerfish river running through it.

How we ever allowed ourselves to be ruled by the Trumps, Bolsonaros and Zumas of the world.

Working on this book (Six Years With Al Qaeda) with Steve McGown, contributing to the Daily Maverick’s We Have Gamechanger last year and co-founding The Mission Fly Fishing Magazine.

Hercules Returns. 1980s Ozzie cult comedy classic that used to appear on eTV at 3am back in the 90s. A film within a film, the basic premise is this guy who works for a giant Fox-type media company complete with bastard boss, quits the company to start his own independent movie theatre. On the opening night he decides to show the last film that ever played there, which was Hercules (the 1950s Greek muscle man version). Bastard boss sabotages it by stealing the sub-titles, so our hero and his friends have to improvise and voice over the dialogue. It’s brilliant.

Dave Chappelle.

Planks with wax paper in lieu of plates at restaurants. Nothing about it makes sense.

I can open beers with my wedding ring, which I’m sure is a metaphor for something.

Brad Armitage

“We need more mountain passes in the build up.”

Stan and John, the #GuptaLeaks whistleblowers. Without their sacrifice, we’d still be under the thumb of Jacob Zuma and co.

It’s a tie between Charles Koch, Mitch McConnell and Ace Magashule.

My mum’s greek lamb with roast potatoes, a bottomless bowl of caponata, a cheese platter for dessert, wines from the Swartland to wash it down and the piece de resistance – 3 x fortune cookies predicting bliss in the next life, revenge on my enemies and world peace for good measure. Bring on the chair.

Moved to the USA or Saudi Arabia.

Dishwasher at a ski resort in the Alps run by the Flemish mafia.

Selfies, mistrust of all mainstream media (thanks Donald) and the opinions of arseholes (IMHO).

“Throw your bread out on the waters and it will come back sandwiches.”

Internal Audits. Working in government should not be seen as a highway to obscene wealth for you or your extended family and friends.

Toilets to replace South Africa’s pit latrines.

Sounding vaguely knowledgeable as Women’s Health magazine’s ‘Guy Next Door’ for the better part of a decade. As the resident Agony Uncle I answered questions every issue about sex and relationships.