--- title: "Welcome to the batshit republic where things smell rather foul" description: "We need industrial-strength air freshener to cover the strong whiff coming from our politicians and officials." type: "OpinionNewsArticle" publisher: "Daily Maverick" site: "https://www.dailymaverick.co.za" section: "DM168" author: "Bhekisisa Mncube" author_url: "https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/author/bhekisisa-mncube/" canonical_url: "https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/opinionista/2026-08-21-welcome-to-the-batshit-republic-where-things-smell-rather-foul/" published: "2026-08-21T10:00:00" lang: "en-ZA" word_count: 992 --- # Welcome to the batshit republic where things smell rather foul > We need industrial-strength air freshener to cover the strong whiff coming from our politicians and officials. By Bhekisisa Mncube · Published 21 August 2026, 12:00 SAST ## Content Ah, Chief Dwasaho! At last, South Africa has found something we can claim to have mastered: the English language. Not its tenses, not the king’s English, not even subject-verb agreement. We have mastered its shits. Dogshit. Bullshit. Horseshit. Batshit. Chickenshit. Jack shit. Holy shit. Hot shit. Tough shit. And now, courtesy of former Investigating Directorate Against Corruption (Idac) boss advocate Andrea Johnson, we have the phrase that may yet qualify as the official description of the Gupta Republic: shit show. The Madlanga Commission heard a recorded conversation in which Johnson reportedly referred to the inquiry as precisely that while speaking to state advocate Drushantha Ramsamy. There was also, according to the evidence, talk of leaving the country if the summons came knocking. Holy shit, Comrade Leadership. The profanity is the least offensive part. We are South Africans. We survived apartheid, State Capture, load shedding, potholes and political press conferences beginning 120 minutes late. A naughty word will not finish us. What should worry us is the chickenshit instinct to run from accountability and then complain that accountability has become a shit show. Johnson is gone from Idac. Fine. Tough shit. But resignation must not become the Gupta Republic’s giant toilet brush: somebody makes a mess, somebody leaves office, a spokesperson announces “continuity”, and everyone pretends the floor is clean. It is not. You cannot polish a turd, my leader. ### Revolving doors Speaking of turds requiring constant ­polishing, uBaba’s (Jacob Zuma’s) MK ­party is restructuring again. And again. And again. The MK party changes leadership with the confidence of people changing socks and underwear at the same time. Secretaries-general come and go. Task teams are born, renamed, abolished and reincarnated. Duduzane Zuma rises. The Duduzane part is the only thing that makes political sense, a Zuma to inherit a Zuma stokvel. Tony Yengeni arrives. Others (John Hlophe) move sideways, downwards or towards the nearest exit. Same shit, different title. At this rate, MK does not need an organogram. It needs the electronic departures board at OR Tambo International Airport. Secretary-general: delayed. National official: gate changed. Presidential structure: cancelled. New structure: now boarding. ### Incredible connections Across the much-vaunted (by investors) Government of National Unity (GNU) fence, the DA has its own flavour of political manure. Ryan Coetzee, once the party’s great ­strategist, reportedly helped steer the DA into the GNU while running Dubai-based ­Consulum, which later received a lucrative contract to advise the party’s operation in government. The DA denies a conflict of interest or buddy-buddy procurement. Yet the DA’s former leader, John “Vuli Gate” Steenhuisen, still managed to turn the blue machine into dogshit. Consultants could whisper strategy from Dubai until the camels came home. Still, nothing prevented the political theatre that followed: Roman Cabanac, Sihle Ngobese “Big Daddy Liberty” and the travelling circus of ideological sideshows. Then Tony Leon, the grand old man of the DA, found himself having to explain the business of political access. His Resolve Communications has faced allegations of lobbying and of profiting from proximity to DA ministers. It sounds so BEE, except for whites. Leon and Resolve deny wrongdoing. Naturally. I was door-stopped recently and invited to comment on the DA bloodletting. As a rule, I do not comment on white-on-white political violence. I have standards. Still, there is comedy in a man who spent decades telling everyone else how politics works, only to discover he cannot PR himself out of a PR lobbying shit scandal. Meanwhile, bullshit is an extraordinary substance, Comrade Leadership. In politics, it can be packaged as “stakeholder engagement”, “public affairs”, “lobbying”, “strategic counsel” or “facilitating dialogue”. Perhaps all perfectly lawful. Perhaps all entirely innocent. But once money, ministers and private access occupy the same ­sentence, citizens are entitled to ask who is ­eating at the table and who is washing the dishes. Do not shit where you eat, the English warn. In South African politics, apparently, you hire consultants to explain why the smell is part of the dining experience. ### Rinse, repeat And then there is suspended Ekurhuleni Metropolitan Police Department deputy chief Brigadier Julius “Blue Lights Blesser” Mkhwanazi. My leader, this man has been arrested so often this year that eNCA’s “breaking news” should simply keep his file permanently open on the newsroom desktop. Arrest one, the alleged speeding case impersonation matter: R30,000 bail. Arrest two, the blue-light matter: R50,000. Arrest three, the precious stones matter: R5,000. Then came arrest number four, the murder of Emmanuel Mbense. Four arrests. R85,000 in bail from the first three appearances alone. Mkhwanazi is innocent until proven guilty. Still, smart-­arse columnists merely count the trips to the dock. It’s batshit. But Comrade Leadership, four arrests suggest Mkhwanazi should consider building a shack next to his local police station. Nothing extravagant. One bedroom. A kettle. Five-litre mineral water, toilet paper, WiFi. Perhaps a little veranda facing the charge office. The police would save petrol. Journalists could leave their camping chairs outside. This is where the shit stops being funny. A senior law enforcement official repeatedly appearing in criminal matters is not merely tabloid entertainment. It is another reminder of institutions that too often discover shit only after the smell has reached the street. So here we are, my leader. Johnson gave us the shit show. The MK party gives us batshit leadership musical chairs. The DA gives us hot-shit strategists producing dogshit politics. The lobbying saga gives us bullshit wrapped in corporate vocabulary. Mkhwanazi, in turn, gives us the recurring-arrest shit. And the public? After all the commissions, press statements, reshuffles, consultants, denials, suspensions and court appearances, we still know jack shit about when the consequences will finally arrive, wearing orange overalls. There is only one English expression left for Comrade Leadership: shit or get off the pot. AI was used to avoid libel and make this shit publishable. Till next week, my man. Send me to buy an industrial-strength air freshener. **DM** *This story first appeared in our weekly DM168 newspaper, available countrywide for R35.* ![Image](https://cdn.dailymaverick.co.za/i/tVVUy89tEiXMcrPAFicypE-wZew=/200x100/smart/filters:strip_exif\(\)/file/attachments/2996/DM-140826_950258.jpg)