Ah, Chief Dwasaho! I had just drifted into a glorious midday nap — one of those state-funded siestas perfected by comrades in high office — when my phone beeped, jolting me awake. It was a WhatsApp message from one of the editors-in-chief of a 24-hour news channel, demanding that I unpack the nuances of the thorny issue of traditional leadership on live TV.
Apparently, my leader, the great helmsman of the Republic had just addressed the august House of Traditional Leaders and they needed a talking head to separate the wheat from the chaff.
I declined the invitation, citing my pedestrian grasp of the Khoisan leadership quagmire — especially after their recent eviction from the Union Buildings where they had camped since 2018, demanding recognition and rights.
Now forgive me, my leader, for I had no clue that between juggling the G20 Presidency and dodging 20 missed calls from DA Federal Chair Helen Zille on whether to VAT or not to VAT, you still found time for royal affairs. You were also firefighting the Budget fiasco, with the finance minister behaving like a loose cannon while simultaneously dodging US President Donald Trump’s executive orders from the political afterlife.
Yet, somehow, you still entertained our esteemed royal houses — those custodians of ancestral wisdom who insist that leadership is inherited, like an heirloom or, dare I say it, a well-aged bottle of mampoer.
Comrade Leadership, the notion of me as a “TV talking head” is laughable. I’m a nonentity whose fleeting fame stems from lampooning you, my leaders — Comrade Mbaks, uBaba (Jacob Zuma), and the parliamentary napping brigade. Sure, I might boast in taverns about my undergraduate major in political science and a postgraduate distinction in editorial writing — accolades that earned me two journalism awards in five years.
But to ascend to the echelons of televised punditry, I must first dissect the latest political theatrics in our homeland: the reconfiguration of the ANC and the new command structures of the uMkhonto Wesizwe (MK) party. If I can unravel this intricate saga, perhaps I’ll secure a permanent spot as a TV talking head.
‘Mr Fear Fokol’
According to ANC Secretary-General Fikile Mbalula — “Mr Fear Fokol” — the reconfigured KwaZulu-Natal (KZN) ANC Provincial Task Team boasts 67 warm bodies, with 40% recalled from the political wilderness (retirement).
Arithmetic tells me that if each 67 (Provincial Task Team) member takes three minutes to deliver their pearls of wisdom during the meeting, then just one item on the agenda will drag on for 201 minutes—a solid 3 hours and 21 minutes of verbal gymnastics.
Now, brace yourself. If the agenda has seven items requiring 201 minutes, we are looking at a whopping 1,407 minutes of uninterrupted political sermonising. That translates to 23 hours and 27 minutes — just shy of a full day of hot air, long-winded meandering, and recycled slogans.
By the time they get to “Any Other Business”, comrades will have aged visibly, their voices hoarse, their revolutionary spirits dampened by sheer exhaustion. Some might even attempt to table a motion to introduce nap breaks between agenda items. The audacity.
Another mystery, apart from this mass congregation of leaders, is who exactly is in charge of the whole shebang. The reconfigured Provincial Task Team is led by the ever-durable Jeff Radebe, a veteran of ANC factional acrobatics. His deputies — Weziwe Thusi (first deputy convenor) and Siboniso Duma (second deputy convenor).
Meanwhile, Mike Mabuyakhulu has been dusted off and repurposed as provincial coordinator, with Nomusa Dube-Ncube as his deputy. To ensure the war chest is not running on fumes, Nomagugu Simelane has been tasked with fundraising — because, as we all know, ANC survival is only as good as its last fundraising dinner. But let’s not underestimate the power of subcommittee convenors, too; it is a governance quagmire.
Bureaucratic labyrinth
But now, let’s unpack this bureaucratic labyrinth. Before the convenor can convene the top six, he must first consult — or rather, convene — his two deputy convenors. From there, the deputy convenors relay the message to the coordinator, who must then convene his two deputy coordinators. Their task? Coordinating the logistics of hosting the top six, who will, in turn, refer their resolution to the full 67-member leadership for a marathon meeting lasting no less than 24 hours.
Just typing this is giving me a migraine. I need to reconfigure my life, too.
I suspect, Mr President, that the real agenda here is not “renewal” but a battle of endurance, where the last comrade left standing — bleary-eyed, voice hoarse, and sanity dangling by a thread — will be declared the de facto convenor of this “revival mission”. No deputies, no coordinators, just the lone survivor of marathon meetings, holding on to the last piece of the ANC coat.
But, just maybe, there’s a method to the madness.
According to the Electoral Commission of South Africa, KZN boasts 5,714,104 registered voters. Now, let’s apply some ratio-and-proportion mathematics: with 67 leaders at the helm, the province has approximately 1.17 leaders per 100,000 voters. If you did Maths Lit, sit this one out. Forget arithmetic. Instead, we need a miracle of biblical proportions. Like Jesus, who fasted for 40 days and 40 nights — an endurance feat that would make even the most seasoned ANC cadre reconsider their Struggle credentials.
So here’s the ANC’s “Revival Mission” Plan: Each of the 67 leaders must visit 100,000 voters three times before the 2026 local government elections — amounting to roughly 4,478 visits per leader. Door-to-door pleading, promising to fill potholes, ensure uninterrupted clean water, and — heaven forbid — install councillors with more than just Maths Lit while managing municipal budgets exceeding half a trillion rand (R531.7-billion).
Let’s be honest, Mr President. This isn’t an election campaign; it’s a pilgrimage of political repentance, a desperate attempt to baptise a drowning party in the hope that the electorate will grant it absolution.
The snag is that even Jesus flipped tables when he saw the corruption in the temple. The ANC should brace itself — the voters might just do the same at the ballot box again.
Frankly, Mr President, if this reconfigured ANC structure was a restaurant, the service would be so slow patrons would collapse in hunger without placing their orders. As a football team, it will be like Royal AM; it would lose on a technicality due to too many irons in the fire, funding challenges, and lack of a game plan.
And if it were an actual revolution? Well, let’s say the victors would write history, and it wouldn’t be 67 anointed messiahs set to rescue a ship that has already hit the iceberg.
Nemesis
Interestingly, in the very same week that your good self was busy reconfiguring the ANC, your nemesis, the MK party, was not fiddling with a mere reconfiguration, but conducting a full-blown leadership overhaul at the provincial level. Unlike your Provincial Task Team’s many layers of deputies and coordinators, MK’s National High Command took a more direct approach — more command and control.
Frankly, I’d rather listen to the National High Command than the Provincial Task Team. At least with the MK party, there’s no illusion of bottom-up decision-making. Orders are handed down from the top, executed with military precision, and, if you don’t like it — well, there’s always exile.
But shock and horror! Former KZN premier and ANC/SACP stalwart Willies Mchunu, previously the provincial convenor, is missing from the new MK top provincial echelon. Gone too is former Public Protector Advocate Busisiwe Mkhwebane, announced as the Mpumalanga convenor in 2024. The great “Zuma’s People’s Army” is shedding some of its old (skin) comrades, making way for new, battle-hardened detachments.
What does this tell us, Mr President? In the house of uBaba, loyalty isn’t a lifetime guarantee. One moment, you are a trusted cadre; the next, you are discarded like an old ANC manifesto nobody reads. Meanwhile, on your side, the ANC Provincial Task Team is still trying to figure out who must talk to whom before convening a meeting about convening a meeting.
The battle lines are being redrawn, my leader, and while the ANC is busy “reconfiguring”, the MK party is marching on.
Till next week, my man. Send me to the reconfigured ANC structures/MK National High Command so I can be a fly on the wall. DM