To: The Supreme Leader of the US, President Donald Trump
From: South Africa (near Namibia in the Gulf of Ignorance)
Dear Pootus 45/47 (excuse the toilet humour, no offence). Meet John Steenhuisen, minister of agriculture in our government of national unity (GNU) headed by President Cyril Ramaphosa.
You will notice he is not a DEI (diversity, equity and inclusion) appointment. John, that is. That tan is from being out in the fields. John’s presence alone should calm your deepest, darkest fears about deepest, darkest Africa and land-grabbing natives in the night.
Steenhuisen has taken to wearing khaki when out visiting our thriving commercial agricultural sector. He wore a suit, though, when he bowed before Chinese President Xi Jinping in September. He mentioned nothing about “land grabs”, mind you.
“Today, I’m in China with the President, where I signed two major protocols on inspection, quarantine, sanitary requirements for dairy products, and a protocol for greasy wool. Also signing an MOU to fight foot and mouth disease. These are game-changers for SA’s agri sector.”
Still nothing about “land grabs”.
Five months ago on Instagram, owned by succubus Mark Zuckerdick, Steenhuisen posted that he had hosted the Chinese minister of the general administration of customs, Yu Jianhua (you must have heard of him), in Pretoria (also known as Tshwane, the administrative capital of the Republic of South Africa) for a bilateral meeting aimed at improving market access for our agricultural products.
Take a deep breath – order some McDonald’s and carry on.
Next, meet Judge Susannah Cowen (SC), recently appointed deputy president of the superior land court. She is also not a DEI appointment, you will notice. White, your favourite colour.
Judge Cowen was quizzed by someone who styles himself as a populist man of the people who likes his bit of bling (a bit like you), Julius Malema, who sits on a multiparty panel that selects judges.
/file/dailymaverick/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/Farmer.jpg "John Steenhuisen. (Photo: Gallo Images). Background: Vecteezy (Photo montage: Bogosi Monnakgotla)")
Rather than getting on like a house on fire, which has always seemed a rather self-destructive kind of beginning, the prospective deputy judge president and the populist flowed with Bruce Lee equanimity.
That’s because our Constitution binds us. With vast experience in the sector, she is now the second-highest-ranking boss of the land court in South Africa and will play a pivotal role in this urgent issue.
Tell you what. Give Grok, or ChatGPT or Gemini or DeepSeek a prod, maybe, and type in “state of South Africa’s commercial agriculture”. See what it says.
If AI says it is so, who can argue? Your tech bros made the machine and then China chucked some bubblegum in it.
We understand you may be getting advice from Elon Musk, our most notorious export apart from white supremacy. He is clearly in contact with AfriForum, which has promised to “mobilise internationally” with regard to the new legislation. And so it came to be. Brothers-in-farms, bang on time to coincide with your ignorant statements about “land grabs”.
Someone you should not take advice from is Louis Liebenberg, also not a personage of DEI persuasion, but a businessman-grifter like yourself, who donated millions and millions to former president Jacob Zuma. Liebenberg wanted a white homeland and Zuma, who is of DEI persuasion, was absolutely in favour of it all: “No problems, bro, of course.”
Zuma is your prototype for State Capture, if he hasn’t already sent you the autographed playbook from President Vladimir Putin.
“From Russia with love. VP.”
Boer Soek ’n Vrou
Although we understand your verbal capacity is limited to basic American English, we do recommend you watch a highly popular reality series in South Africa called Boer Soek ’n Vrou (Farmer Seeks a Wife), which has been running for 17 healthy seasons. That’s years and years of farmers, all alone on their huge, successful commercial farms, seeking only love and stability.
Even cowgirls get the blues, we hear, so maybe recommend they apply for “working visas” in South Africa like Melania did when she met you in that bar in New York, when she was still illegal, having arrived on a tourist visa while working as a “model”.
The only DEI Boer Soek ’n Vrou contestant so far is a lesbian. If you know of anyone seeking asylum outside the US who is fond of farming, puff and pass.
The President of our GNU has separated the agriculture portfolio from land reform and rural development precisely because of the previous system that failed abysmally.
This everyone knows, and to quote Marx (don’t panic, not Karl but Groucho): “Who are you going to believe, me or your eyes?”
The reality is not social media and echo chambers.
It is on the land, in the ground, in the icy water of the Potomac River.
In your instance, Your Magnificent Highness, it would be that you would have us betray our eyes. DM
This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R35.
