So Siyamthanda and Rachel Kolisi have announced that they will be ending their eight-year marriage. It seems South Africans are collectively going through the same five stages of grief that the couple are probably navigating too.
People’s relationships come to an end every day, but admittedly not with as much public scrutiny. Whether inadvertently or not, the Kolisis carried both the country’s fears and aspirations in their relationship.
The couple had become a symbol for true love and dedication from a young age. They met in their early twenties, got married four years later and built a wholesome family. Meanwhile, Siya smashed the lights out as the nation’s hero, achieving incredible highs as the Springbok captain.
Many saw them as evidence that interracial relationships could work and as a physical representation of just how unified South Africa could be in our diversity.
But what does this moment leave us to reflect on? Some may see their relationship as a failure, but I have long stopped looking at life and how it sometimes unfolds through the restrictive binary lens of either “success” or “failure”. Life is far more robust and textured than that.
I have learnt that you should be present in each stage of your life and give your best for it to be fulfilling. And sometimes, as we grow and evolve, we outgrow different parts of our lives, including relationships.
Relationships are hard at the best of times and even more so when they play out – and end – in public. Getting a divorce in itself is not an easy decision to make, but things are even more difficult when the mourning of that relationship becomes a public spectacle of unsolicited opinion and commentary.
Esther Perel, a psychotherapist whose work focuses on the complexity of human relationships, says: “Longevity is seen as the ultimate indicator of marital achievement, but plenty of people who stayed ‘till death do us part’ have been miserable.
“When a relationship has run its course, I try — when I can — to help it end with dignity and integrity. I see no contradiction in asking a couple about the success of their breakup... We need a concept of a terminated marriage that doesn’t damn it – one that helps to create emotional coherence and narrative continuity. Ending a marriage goes beyond the signing of divorce papers.”
I take this to mean that the ending of a marriage can be viewed as the next iteration of a relationship’s journey and not necessarily a catastrophe. It could be seen as a decision to step into a life that is more fitting for the next phase of the couple’s lives and those within their orbit.
More to the point for us as South Africans, I suppose, is our aspirational view of Siya and Rachel’s marriage. Many people may ask what this divorce could mean for our country’s outlook. Can it be seen as potentially throwing us off course in our journey of unification and conciliation?
The answer quite simply is no. This is a young couple who, like all of us, are human. They are being confronted with the vulnerabilities thereof and doing the best they can to navigate a difficult period in their lives.
My hope is that we grant them the space to do this. DM
This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R35.
