First published in the Daily Maverick 168 weekly newspaper.

Local anonymous data digger and trends analyst known only as Data Spy the Twitter Guy recently published a White Paper report on opinionistas on Twitter who have managed to segue seamlessly from armchair specialists who perfectly explained the epidemiological aspects of Covid-19 (including 5G and tracking threats, and the fact that the virus is actually a lab experiment by the Chinese to eradicate populations of the world) to highly qualified geopolitical experts who can now perfectly explain the situation in Afghanistan.

“I was amazed at the speed at which these talking heads started popping up. It was a feat I have not experienced since the almost all-male Republican onslaught of determining what’s good for women’s bodies and how they should not have the option of abortion,” said Data Spy the Twitter Guy.

The granular engagement expert also said that the Twitter users (who he confirmed were a lot of people of a certain demographic – he would not specify which, to protect his own identity) wasted no time in explaining to anyone who would listen what the situation was, even though they had no political expertise or any idea about the intricacies and dangers of Islamist fanaticism and the threat of the Taliban on the lives of the majority of the Afghan population.

In fact, the White Paper clearly reflects many examples of the Twitterati taking the opposite opinion. A few of these examples, as quoted in the White Paper, read as such: “I told everyone this would happen because there are way too many hardline supporters who have for years pretended like they support women’s rights and democracy.”

When the Twitter user was interrogated by an actual Afghanistan citizen whose family is under threat and stuck in a now terrorist state as to why he would say that, the same user merely replied: “Well, obviously because I am so comfortably detached from the situation it is easier for me to make these factual observations and also, any idiot can tell that my opinion is true because of how many people decide to go to mosque or celebrate Eid, for that matter.”

Further shovelling through the mess that is Twitter information overload, the full-time data decipherer found that the turnaround time for people who went from obsessing about their own insights on the pandemic without ever mentioning Afghanistan in the past 20 years was approximately one day. “There is a lot of evidence that points to a large percentage of people shifting from lecturing people on immune systems and test cycles where the virus is concerned without having conducted any medical research or having no scientific education to speak of who now possess an almost prophetic view on the matter of the US military leaving the once-again captured state by simply stating that they have read a couple of tweets by news outlets and through this became experienced in the field.

“No, they did not even have to open supporting links to the explainers as featured by the media.”

One of the Tweeters interviewed for research purposes said, “Just because I have never shown any interest in the topic until now does not mean I cannot position myself as an expert on the subject. My ability to absorb and interpret information from a 140-character tweet is phenomenal. It surpasses my ability to listen and actually learn something. A real strength.” Data Spy the Twitter Guy’s dense report is filled with findings about people who have meaty and moronic opinions on the military matter but ultimately the editorial finding of the study is that far too many people feel way too confident and comfortable on the Twitter medium.

“They seem to think the only thing that matters is their ability to lecture a general public of what they have always said, even though they have actually never said it.”

The paper concludes by revealing how ignorance truly is bliss and prospers in people who love pretending that their thoughts matter. Traffic to the Wikipedia site is also thriving.

Top tip: If you want to understand the factual research, please don’t read the paper. Simply read the supporting tweet and come to your own dumbfounded conclusions. DM168

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper which is available for R25 at Pick n Pay, Exclusive Books and airport bookstores. For your nearest stockist, please click here.