First published in the Daily Maverick 168 weekly newspaper.

Every Ramadan, I think of one thing, and that’s food. And, no, it’s not because I fast and all I can do is salivate over what I am going shove down my gob as soon as the sun sets – I don’t fast.

The reason I think about food all the time is also not because I look at my mom or my brother, who do fast, and wonder: Wow, you must be so hangry (hungry and angry) right now!

I think about food a lot because of the poor – all the millions of poor Muslims globally who obediently and sincerely observe this month year after year with empty bellies and full hearts.

Ramadan is for spiritual contemplation and self-improvement. It’s a month where all Muslims are supposed to devote themselves to worship. It’s a 30-day lesson in self-discipline, self-control, self-sacrifice and, most importantly, it is a month when every single person, for the hours between the sun rising and the sun setting, is supposed to be gifted with the skill of empathy.

It’s a month to act in generosity toward the less fortunate and pay our compulsory alms – also known as zakat, which is calculated according to a percentage of what your annual income is. It is also a time to feed the poor – to give a hot meal to those who have fasted all day and to make the next day a little easier for them.

So I thought about that. I gave my alms and helped feed not nearly enough people, and I thought about food, the starving and, yet, the devoted.

This year, I gave a lot of thought to the prophets as well. For those who don’t know, the prophets in Islam are exactly the same as those in the Old Testament of the Bible. Yes, including Jesus; we believe in him too. But my thoughts were fizzing with pop culture and folklore facts of the past and, as I gathered them I thought, who of these messengers would make the most bae bachelor?

A hop, skip and jump between BC and AC and these were my findings: I reckon Noah was the most bae prophet and had he been alive and single, he would be the most sort-after bachelor in the building. He was a boat builder (nice tan, strong muscles), a ship captain (sexy as is), a vet (empathy for animals? Check) and an animal rescuer – long-haul may I add (not my cup of tea but the vegans are going wild). He had to have been a lifeguard and a doctor for all those people on the Ark, else how did they survive? I’ll tell you how, with Dr Captain, Vet Noah.

Jesus is portrayed as quite good-looking according to Western norms of beauty. That is: blue eyes, long, blond locks and … a six-pack. A lot of research has shown that he actually probably looked more Ethiopian. Now I am not saying Ethiopians are not hot but this is the Global Bachelor. You simply have to bring more to the table.

Muhammad, on the other hand, was a desert nomad and, while he did probably have a CosmoMan calendar body, the diet of the desert makes me doubt it.

I once watched a documentary where one of the most favoured foods in the middle of a sandy nowhere was boiled goat’s head in warm camel milk. I don’t know, hey? Just not feeling it.

Then there’s Jonah. Hard no. Clearly a short and silly man swallowed by a whale.

Moses was Egyptian. Cool backstory but no real follow-through. I can only watch a man turn a staff into a snake so many times. Also some research papers say Ancient Egyptians didn’t have the best teeth. In these modern cosmetic times, I don’t think he would have cut it.

Look, I could simply run through all the messengers but the main takeaway here is that if you are a single, heterosexual cisgender woman, you are looking for Noah.

Although, there is something about Solomon and Joseph that seems quite mysterious and … appealing; like moody bass players who keep their good looks in the dark. I’d look into that if I were you. DM168

This is an opinion piece by Haji Mohamed Dawjee, who is an author and journalist.

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper which is available for free to Pick n Pay Smart Shoppers at these Pick n Pay stores.