Notes from your therapist on your Covid-19 dream diary

First published on DM168

General observations: While my notes seem harsh, it is my duty to red-light your dreams – pun intended – during this delusional time. 

Dream 3: Even if it were possible for you to turn into a family lawyer, it isn't a viable option. It is pandemically ‘unwoke’ – it requires too many people in one room. I know you have your wife as a witness to your wisdom on prenups, but one spouse at a midnight TED Talk does not a lawyer make. Be sure to recite the mantra in your virus-ridden mind: "I am doomed to be a badly paid writer because I am no good at anything else."

Dream 7: You said you specifically remember the voice in which you spoke was meant to mimic your mother-in-law's Swedish accent, but you couldn't recall what you had said until your wife informed you it was this: "Yes, tell her they are both little animals, but she cannot eat them."

You've always had a cat; you now have a new member in your family in the form of an 8-month-old baby, is this the other animal? Perhaps your subconscious is worried about the "eating pangolin" narrative regarding the disease you are obsessing about which animals are edible? It would be the wisdom of an older woman whose advice you are most likely to take. Having said that, as your therapist, I worry that you need heed against eating both your baby and your cat. Let's schedule an additional session about this in particular. 

Dream 13: It’s entirely reasonable for you to be vulnerable and seek out your loved ones in a state of delirium. In your dream-diary, you wrote that you reached out in your sleep and grabbed your wife by the chin and said: "Night fire."

I understand that when she first explained the incident to you, it sounded quite sweet - like maybe she was the light of your life and you were reminding yourself that very light at the end of your Covid-19 tunnel. But… there is no comma in the way you said it. It's not an endearing "good night"; it's a psychotic warning. 

As you know, I am a chin symbolism specialist. The chin resembles strength of character – to keep one’s chin up. The fact that you would grab your partner's chin and warn her of fire is worrying. It speaks to your current state of joylessness and also communicates that she should be advised that all hope has been scorched to the ground and any chins that were up have now fallen to shit. We need to figure out a way for you to tell her this in real life. ASAP.  DM

Bio: Haji Mohamed Dawjee is a South African columnist, disruptor of the peace and freelance reporter for several local and international publications. Her book 'Sorry, Not Sorry: Experiences of a brown woman in a white South Africa' (published by Penguin Random House in 2018), was long-listed for the Alan Paton Non-Fiction Award. Follow her on Twitter: @sage_of_absurd