Opinionista Deep Fried Man 21 June 2012

Four destinations for travellers who crave excitement

Sick of going to all the usual tourist destinations? Feel you need to get away to somewhere exciting? Here are some fun suggestions for unusual places to travel to.

All-gay package tours to Uganda

Many gay people have lamented the way they are treated in South Africa. These days, being in a same-sex relationship here is so legal it’s boring. You can even get married, which takes away one of the primary advantages of being gay (I believe it’s always splitting the bill on dates, lots of parades, no pressure to get married, in that order). Sure, every now and then a politician makes a comment about how it’s unAfrican, or someone commits a hate crime, but for the most part being gay in SA is so acceptable it’s dull. Why not spice things up a bit by taking a trip to Uganda, a place where policies towards gay people are still exactly the same as they were in Biblical times? A trip to Uganda will allow you not only a chance to catch a tan under the East African sun, but you will also get to experience what it’s like to feel oppressed again. As a bonus, all guests will receive free accommodation, in a Ugandan prison cell, for the duration of their stay.  

Special offer for Africans visiting Israel

Never mind what evil propaganda organisations like Amnesty International or vehemently pro-Palestinian fringe media sources like the BBC tell you. If you ask almost any South African Jew, they’ll tell you Israel is actually always in the right and all those news stories saying otherwise are just made-up nonsense. After all, America backs Israel, and it’s not like the US has a history of funding illegitimate regimes. As if they don’t already get enough bad press, recently the media has been suggesting that Israel doesn’t like African people very much. If you’re from South Sudan, and you take a trip to Israel, they’ll even send you home with some pocket money. So why not head to Israel for a Repatriation Vacation? For a limited time only, as a special offer, any African people who travel to Israel only have to finance the first leg of their trip. You will be sent back to your country of origin free of charge!

Rent Greece

Many people still visit Greece the old-fashioned way, buying a ticket, paying for accommodation, arriving just like all the other plebs. What these people don’t realise is that, due to recent Economic events, it’s now totally affordable for most people to rent the whole of Greece! Why be a normal tourist when you can be the king of Greece for a week? And, since you’re in charge, you can even experience Greece the way it was back in the good old days – by worshipping multiple gods or having an orgy.

Visit the Independent Republic of Cape Town

Lots of South Africans pay a ton of cash to go and visit Europe, without realising that there’s a little slice of Europe in our own back yard. The Independent Republic of Cape Town is a place where many of the less glamorous trappings of life in South Africa, like townships, for instance, are hidden away so that tourists don’t have to think about them while they’re sipping cocktails. And, if you ever are confronted, by accident, with any unpleasant things like poverty, simply distract yourself by looking at the mountain or out at the sea, which is what lots of Capetonians do every day. Did you know, in Cape Town it’s possible to go to nightclubs where there aren’t any black people and German is one of the official languages? In fact, rumour has it that Cape Town Tourism’s next slogan will be “Like Europe, only cheaper”.  

In our next edition we explore other fabulous tourist destinations! We look at which flak jackets and bullet-proof vests are the most fashionable to wear if you’re visiting Syria, find out why it’s a great idea to have some fun in Taiwan (as long as you don’t forget to bring a raincoat) and explain why visiting Somalia to lose weight is cheaper than a health spa! DM


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