It has been said that “the large majority of people who leave comments on South African news sites should be urgently tracked down and forced at gun point to have vasectomies/hysterectomies”I read it once under a news story on IOL, posted by someone called Anonymous (Interesting name. Must be Greek).

While it is true that if we don’t discourage these people from having children we run the risk of them out-breeding the rest of us and creating a species of uber-morons, we cannot just dismiss these people. After all, as pointed out by Dr Bob Freud – Sigmund’s less successful younger brother – there is a tiny moron inside us all, crying out for help with such poor grammar that the more intelligent side of our psyche cannot understand it.

Online commentators must be studied because gaining insight into their psychological make-up can help us understand our own inner morons and even help save South Africa from being engulfed by a tsunami of stupidity.

NOTE: Comments were chosen randomly and are all from the story ANC Never Meant to Bully Gallery.

Comment 1:

“It’s too late ANC so please do not look for sympathy. You bunch of dictators DID intimidate the gallery. Bunch of pathetic a-holes… Your regime is similar to that of Hitler! We are just waiting on the gas chambers…” – Piet

Piet is suffering from a disorder that makes him prone to extreme paranoia and exaggeration. He makes causal links where none exist, such as thinking that South Africa’s current regime getting overly upset over a painting will somehow lead to mass genocide reminiscent of the Nazi Third Reich. Unfortunately, people like Piet will be the first up against the wall when the gas chambers are built. 

NOTE: At the time of writing this article, Piet’s comment was given the thumbs up by 23 people, a frightening sign that his condition is, unfortunately, highly contagious.

Comment 2:

“HUH?????!!!!??! Do the anc think South Africa is a planet on it’s own? Cause they seem to have a complete different view on reality. Apparently on their little planet this was not bullying??????? WAKE THE F…. UP” – Marius

Sadly, Marius is plagued with a rare mental affliction that causes him to overuse question marks, ask rhetorical questions, fail to understand how apostrophes work and shout commands at people in capital letters. As of the time of writing this article, his disorder is undiagnosed and has no known cure.

Comment 3:

“Booored… News24 find a new story” – Senzo Mathebula

Clearly, Senzo Mathebula is bored, only with more ‘o’s. But what might at first seem like just normal, healthy boredom is actually a worrying indication of a deep, existential angst and ennui within Mr Mathebula’s soul. He wants News24 to find a new story, and who can blame him. But unfortunately, this does suggest that Mr Mathebula is slightly disconnected from reality. He is unable to grasp the fact that News24 is obliged to report on the stories that occur in real life South Africa, and cannot ignore these stories and make their own ones up instead (which I’m sure we all agree would make it much more fun to read).

Comment 4:

“The people have spoken, no more nonsense from galleries! Amandla!” – Melusi

Clearly, Melusi is suffering from an extremely common condition known colloquially as “hating art”.

Comment 5 (a reply to the above comment).

“You sir, are a f___ing a-hole” – Jou_Ma

My diagnosis would be that Jou_Ma is afflicted not only with the rare psychological condition of thinking Melusi is a f____ing a-hole, but also with the early signs of the onset of multiple personality disorder. There are two distinct parts to his personality, one of which is extremely polite, causing him to respond to people with the title ‘sir’, the other extremely rude and dim-witted. It is probably the latter personality that chose the pseudonym ‘Jou Ma’, not to be confused with acclaimed Chinese-American cellist Yo-Yo Ma.  

Comment 6:

“Krrsssh Huston we have a problem Krrsssh….Krrsssh….please dispatch a septic tank immediately…Krrsssh…we have another turd on the loose” – RPhiri

RPhiri’s problems stem from problems with early toilet-training which led to him getting stuck in the ‘anal’ stage of development. This results in a person preoccupied with his own and other people’s scatological functions, a normal stage for those between the ages of 2 and 5, but unfortunately one that is seen as socially unacceptable if carried through into adulthood.

Comment 7:

“BWAHAHAHAHA .. LISTEN up ANC . .I am educated and literate ,, SO pllleeeaaasseee don’t try and pull this mindless BS on me.” – Loo

This person is suffering from delusions that he is educated and literate. He/she is also afflicted with the worrying habit of drawing the word ‘please’ out to unnecessary lengths. Lastly, this person’s decision has also chosen to name him/herself after a colloquial term for “toilet”, indicating that he/she may be afflicted with similar scatological preoccupations as RPhiri. 

Dr Wikihowzer purchased his PHD in Internet Psychology at StudyHard College in Hillbrow, Johannesburg, for R50. Most of his work explores the psychological issues he has experienced as a result of not actually existing. DM