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The devil votes DA

Sipho Hlongwane is a writer and columnist for Daily Maverick. His other work interests also include motoring, music and technology, for which he has some awards. In a previous life, he drove forklift trucks, hosted radio shows, waited tables, and was once bitten by a large monitor lizard on his ankle. It hurt a lot. Arsenal Football Club is his only permanent obsession. He appears in these pages as a political correspondent.

...and the saints go marching in wearing ANC colours. What do you mean you didn’t know that? You ought to familiarise yourself with the Gospel according to Jacob, and avoid the fiery damnation that comes with casting a vote against God’s chosen party.

In Jacob’s Gospel, a famous parable is recounted, of a foolish man who voted for the DA, and found himself in hell.

Jacob 19: 23 thusly says:

23And in hell he lifteth up his eyes, being in torment, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Comrade Lazarus in his bosom.

24And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

25But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime voted for the Opposition, and Comrade Lazarus for God’s chosen party, the ANC: Now he is rewarded eternally, and thou art tormented.

26And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed; so that they who would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.

27Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou would’st send him to my father’s house:

28For I have five brethren; that he may counsel them to vote for the ANC, lest they also come into this place of torment.

29Abraham saith unto him, They have Jackson Mthembu and the prophets; let them hear them.

30And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent from voting for the DA.

31And he said unto him, If they hear not Jackson Mthembu and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded to vote wisely, though one rose from the dead.

We have been warned, brethren! We have the Gospel to caution us, and the words of Jacob himself, who told the people in Eastern Cape that to vote for the ANC is to choose heaven, and to vote for the opposition is to throw your vote into hell. Do you want to be cast into the lake of fire with your devilish opposition vote, where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth? Or do you want to spend eternity in Abraham’s bosom?

As the Gospel of Zuma further tells us, voting for the opposition is not only guaranteeing you torment in the hereafter, but also no respite from misery here on earth! “We believers know that Jesus will come back, we say the ANC will rule until he comes back,” the Zuma Gospel says. And all you DA voters will not be meeting him in the clouds when he comes back for a second time! Nay!

Pay no heed to the false Prophets Helen Zille and Kenneth Meshoe. Pay no heed to the DA’s calls for Zuma to apologise; they are the words of a deceiver! A great Satan! And that lying prophet Meshoe, who himself refuses to see the light, but chooses to lead the sheep astray by leading an opposition party, wants to rob you of the blessings that come with voting for God’s chosen party, the ANC. Do not be fooled, brethren! As the ANC’s own voice-in-the-desert Jackson Mthembu said, “We are also of the view that those who are ‘alarmed’ by his expression are probably driven by jealousy for not having thought of the expression themselves.”

Okay, seriously (someone invariably misses the point)? Mr President, nobody is that stupid. Supposing even for one moment that local politics is the sort of thing that Jesus Christ and the heavenly hosts trouble themselves with, why would they vote for the ANC? If they did, do you think they would leave signs around, to let Man know which way the heavens were politically inclined, instead of leaving it up to you and Mthembu’s press releases?

It sounds to me like a party in shambles at a local level, bedevilled with municipalities in ruin, corrupt local politicians and an outraged public is turning to religion for affirmation that just isn’t there. People want the robots on street corners to work, potholes to be fixed and honest police who do their work to the best of their ability. We want to receive the correct bills from the municipality, fast and efficient service from our utility suppliers, functioning hospitals and safe streets.

We will give that vote to the party that gives us these things, blessed from Above, or not. Mr President, leave religion out of it. DM


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