Supporting family members: Navigating the tricky challenges of the sandwich generation

Question: I’m supporting my parents financially, and I’m also helping my adult children where I can. I don’t mind doing it be­cause I want to help, but I’m starting to worry that I’m sacrificing my own retirement. How do I balance this?

Answer: This is one of the most emotionally complex situations I see in practise. Whether it’s helping ageing parents or supporting children well into adulthood, many people find themselves part of what’s often called the “sandwich generation” – supporting both upwards and downwards at the same time.

On the surface, it comes from a good place, but underneath, there’s often a quiet financial strain building that can have long-term consequences if left unchecked. The uncomfortable truth is this: you can’t build a secure future for yourself if you’re constantly funding everyone else’s present.

The danger isn’t always obvious in the short term. You may still be covering your expenses, contributing something towards investments and keeping things afloat. But over time, the impact compounds in ways that are easy to underestimate:

• Retirement contributions get reduced or paused;
• Emergency savings never quite build up;
• Investment growth is sacrificed; and
• Financial independence is pushed further and further out.

What makes this particularly risky is that retirement is not something you can “borrow” for later. There are no loans available to fund your retirement once the time comes. If you underfund it now, the consequences will be permanent.

If this were purely a numbers problem, it would be easy to solve. Saying no to family or even just setting limits can feel uncomfortable. There’s guilt, cultural expectations and sometimes even pressure from those around you. Over time, what started as support becomes obligation.

It’s important to recognise that helping others at the expense of your own financial stability is not sustainable. Here are a few practical ways to approach the situation:

1. Get clarity on your own position

Before deciding what you can give, you need to understand what you need. Start with a simple exercise: what does your monthly lifestyle cost? Multiply that by 12 to get an annual number. Then estimate the capital needed to sustain that income in retirement. This gives you a baseline. If your current plan isn’t on track to support that future, it’s a signal that something needs to change.

2. Define a limit – and stick to it

Instead of responding to each request individually, decide upfront what you can reasonably afford to contribute. This could be a fixed monthly amount or a percentage of your income. The key is that it is planned, not reactive. Once that limit is reached, any additional requests require a conscious decision rather than an automatic yes.

3. Differentiate between one-off and continuing support

There’s a big difference between helping with a one-off expense and committing to an open-ended monthly obligation. Where possible, try to avoid creating long-term dependencies unless you are confident you can sustain them.

4. Involve your family in the conversation

Being open about your financial constraints can help to reset expectations. You don’t need to share every detail, but explaining that you are working towards securing your own future can create understanding. In many cases, people assume you can afford more than you actually can.

5. Remember your retirement matters too

It’s easy to prioritise immediate needs over long-term ones. But your future self is just as important as the people you are helping today. If you reach retirement without sufficient savings, the burden doesn’t disappear, it simply shifts. Often, it ends up back on the very same family you were trying to support.

Helping family is one of the most meaningful things you can do with your money. But it shouldn’t come at the cost of your own financial security.

A sustainable approach is one where you support others within your means, you remain on track for your own goals and you make decisions consciously, not out of pressure or habit.

It’s not always an easy balance to strike. But getting it right can make the difference between a future where you remain independent and one where you become financially dependent on others. DM

Kenny Meiring is an independent financial adviser. Contact him on 082 856 0348 or at financialwellnesscoach.co.za. Send your questions to kenny.meiring@sfpadvice.co.za

This story first appeared in our weekly DM168 newspaper, available countrywide for R35.