---
title: "How to be kind to yourself (without going to a day spa)"
description: "A one-off trip to a day spa is unlikely to transform your mental health. But these expert tips might help you cut yourself some slack."
type: "NewsArticle"
publisher: "Daily Maverick"
site: "https://www.dailymaverick.co.za"
section: "THE CONVERSATION"
author: "Lydia Brown"
author_url: "https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/author/lydia-brown-2/"
canonical_url: "https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/article/2024-02-29-how-to-be-kind-to-yourself-without-going-to-a-day-spa/"
published: "2024-02-29T08:00:55"
updated: "2024-02-28T16:39:45"
lang: "en-ZA"
word_count: 885
---

# How to be kind to yourself (without going to a day spa)

> A one-off trip to a day spa is unlikely to transform your mental health. But these expert tips might help you cut yourself some slack.

By Lydia Brown · Published 29 February 2024, 10:00 SAST · Updated 28 February 2024, 18:39 SAST

## Content

“I have to be hard on myself,” Sarah told me in a recent telehealth psychology session. “I would never reach my potential if I was kind and let myself off the hook.”

I could empathise with this fear of self-compassion from clients such as Sarah (not her real name). From a young age, we are taught to be kind to others, but self-kindness is never mentioned.

Instead, we are taught success hinges on self-sacrifice. And we need a healthy inner critic to bully us forward into becoming increasingly better versions of ourselves. But [research shows](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167212445599) there doesn’t have to be a trade-off between self-compassion and success.

Self-compassion can help you reach your potential while supporting you to face the inevitable stumbles and setbacks along the way.

#### **What is self-compassion?**

[Self-compassion](https://self-compassion.org/) has [three](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15298860309027) key ingredients.

**1. Self-kindness**

This involves treating yourself with the same kindness you would extend towards a good friend – via your thoughts, feelings and actions – especially during life’s difficult moments.

For instance, if you find yourself fixating on a minor mistake you made at work, self-kindness might involve taking a ten-minute walk to shift focus, and reminding yourself it is OK to make mistakes sometimes, before moving on with your day.

**2. Mindfulness**

In this context, mindfulness involves being aware of your own experience of stress or suffering, rather than repressing or avoiding your feelings, or over-identifying with them.

Basically, you must see your stress with a clear (mindful) perspective before you can respond with kindness. If we avoid or are consumed by our suffering, we lose perspective.

**3. Common humanity**

Common humanity involves recognising our own experience of suffering as something that unites us as being human.

For instance, a sleep-deprived parent waking up (for the fourth time) to feed their newborn might choose to think about all the other parents around the world doing exactly the same thing – as opposed to feeling isolated and alone.

#### **It’s not about day spas, or booking a manicure**

When Sarah voiced her fear that self-compassion would prevent her success, I explained that self-compassion is distinct from self-indulgence.

“So is self-compassion just about booking in more mani/pedis?” Sarah asked.

Not really, I explained. A one-off trip to a day spa is unlikely to transform your mental health. Instead, self-compassion is a flexible [psychological resilience factor](https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-031-22348-8_7) that shapes our thoughts, feelings and actions. It’s associated with a suite of benefits to our [wellbeing](https://iaap-journals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/aphw.12051), [relationships](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15298868.2011.639548) and [health](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17437199.2019.1705872).

#### **What does the science say?**

Over the past 20 years, we’ve learned self-compassionate people enjoy a wide range of benefits. They tend to be [happier](https://iaap-journals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/aphw.12051) and have [fewer psychological symptoms](https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003) of distress. Those high on self-compassion [persevere](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167212445599) following a failure. They say they are more motivated to overcome a personal weakness than those low on self-compassion, who are more likely to give up.

So rather than feeling trapped by your inadequacies, self-compassion encourages a [growth mindset](https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion), helping you reach your potential. However, self-compassion is not a panacea. It will not change your life circumstances or somehow make life “easy”. It is based on the premise that life is hard, and provides practical tools to cope.

#### **It’s a factor in healthy ageing**

I research menopause and healthy ageing and am especially interested in the value of self-compassion through menopause and in the second half of life.

Because self-compassion becomes important during life’s challenges, it can help people navigate physical symptoms (for instance, [menopausal hot flushes](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378512214001649?via%3Dihub)), life transitions such as [divorce](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0956797611429466), and [promote healthy ageing](https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-031-22348-8_7). I’ve also teamed up with researchers at [Autism Spectrum Australia](https://www.autismspectrum.org.au/) to explore self-compassion in autistic adults. We found autistic adults report significantly [lower levels](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-022-05668-y) of self-compassion than neurotypical adults. So we developed an online [self-compassion training program](https://www.autismspectrum.org.au/blog/new-online-self-compassion-program-for-autistic-adults) for this at-risk population.

#### **Three tips for self-compassion**

You [can learn](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/jclp.21923) self-compassion with these three exercises.

**1. What would you say to a friend?**

Think back to the last time you made a mistake. What did you say to yourself?

If you notice you’re treating yourself more like an enemy than a friend, don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead, try to think about what you might tell a friend, and direct that same friendly language towards yourself.

**2. Harness the power of touch**

Soothing human touch [activates](https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychiatry/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2020.555058/full) the parasympathetic “relaxation” branch of our nervous system and counteracts the fight or flight response. Specifically, self-soothing touch (for instance, placing both hands on your heart, stroking your forearm, or giving yourself a hug) [reduces](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666497621000655) cortisol responses to psychosocial stress.

**3. What do I need right now?**

Sometimes, it can be hard to figure out exactly what self-compassion looks like in a given moment. The question “what do I need right now” helps clarify your true needs.

For example, when I was 37 weeks pregnant, I woke up bolt awake one morning at 3am. Rather than beating myself up about it, or fretting about not getting enough sleep, I gently placed my hands on my heart and took a few deep breaths. By asking myself “what do I need right now?” it became clear that listening to a gentle podcast/meditation fitted the bill (even though I wanted to addictively scroll my phone). **DM**

[Media](https://counter.theconversation.com/content/223194/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-advanced)

[*This story was first published in* The Conversation.](https://theconversation.com/how-to-be-kind-to-yourself-without-going-to-a-day-spa-223194)*Lydia Brown is a Senior Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Melbourne.*