By early 2016 there was a new word in South Africa to describe young women who were dating older, wealthier men who would spoil them with luxury goods, international trips and dates at fancy restaurants. The new term for these women was blessee, while the men were referred to as blessers. 

The new discourse around these women and their wealthier counterparts fascinated then master’s student Lebohang Masango, who did her thesis on women who date wealthy men. She has published a book on her research, The Soft Life: Love, choice and modern dating.

Masango decided to research women and their dating choices because “this isn’t something that people will really research [in anthropology] because when you look at relationships maybe it’s if you’re looking at families, perhaps you’re looking at migrant families or refugee families or families of asylum seekers, but [it’s often] something where there’s some kind of stress happening, and it’s like, okay, I want to look at this thing that people would usually say is frivolous and see what meaning there is behind it.”

Masango, who is a feminist, writes in the book that she chose this topic because she wanted “us to revisit how we frame stories about young women in South Africa and the many times we, as the public, have been complicit when the single story is repeated: that young black women are poor, promiscuous, immoral, desperate and so materialistic that they would sleep with anyone for money and that’s why HIV continues to ravage black people.”

Pursuing the soft life  

In the book, readers are introduced to Nomonde, Lihle, Jolie, Bongi and Camila, who are all young working women, thereby doing away with the narrative that only young, poor women date older, rich men for their money. Masango writes: “I explore how women in South Africa give meaning to aspiration, romance and love in their pursuit of the soft life: a life free of hardship.” She discusses “some of the considerations, anxieties and choices that women make in pursuit of this ideal amidst the precariousness that engulfs the majority of our population”.

Masango points out that the media has often written about black women dating rich men in a scathing tone, whereas women of other races dating affluent men don’t get the same criticism. “But I also want to clarify that I’m not advocating that these names [slay queen or blessees] be given to white women or Indian women or adult women of other ethnicities and races, but it is quite revealing that it isn’t, it’s revealing that the only thing that gets reported on [when it’s women of other races] is this is who she is, this is her expenditure and this is how much money she was getting from her partner. The tone isn’t necessarily critical or negative.”

As to why this is the case, Masango said it has to do with “the kind of misogyny that’s levelled specifically against black women and the pervasive attitude that is held by many people, that when it comes to, specifically black women, everyone feels that they have more of a right to be to be scathing and degrading”. 

There’s nothing alien about wanting a financially secure partner

“We all live in South Africa, we are all grappling with state and security, financial insecurity, health insecurity, to a large extent the insecurity of our public infrastructure. This is something that as South Africans we all are facing. And we all would love relief from that. And so what I’m trying to show with this book as well, it’s not really just about the women that will portray sleek means, I’m hoping people can reflect on themselves, the decisions they’ve made for their lives and the decisions they hope to make tomorrow, and see that we’re no different from these women.” 

Even though women are often judged for wanting well-off partners, Masango highlights that questions of money before pursuing a relationship aren’t an anomaly. For instance, questions of finances will usually come up when someone is considering getting married or planning on starting a family, said Masango. 

“[In the book] I make a very brief reference to [Netflix show] Indian Matchmaking and how all those families are concerned with the financial well-being of their child’s future partner. Look at lobola negotiations, those negotiations are being made over money. All of this just goes back to us as human beings needing to ensure that we can create families with people who have the financial ability to do so. So I’m just trying to show that there’s nothing about this that’s so alien and so far removed,” explained Masango.

As for who she hopes will read the book: “Truthfully, I hope everybody reads the book. The way in which people speak about these relationships, a lot of the time can be degrading, shaming and moralising. And so I hope everyone reads the book so that we are able to have this conversation with a little bit more empathy and compassion.”

Masango is doing her PhD on a similar topic at the University of the Witwatersrand. She said she is speaking to young people in South Africa about the effects of news reporting which exposes corruption and how it influences their dating choices. “I’m curious if any young people are finding that it’s changing the way they engage with the world. And is it making them want to find wealthy partners to settle down with? Or are they just continuing with life as normal?”

The Soft Life: Love, choice and modern dating is Masango’s first non-fiction book. She is an award-winning children’s book author and a poet. DM

Book reviewer Karabo Mafolo is a former reporter at Daily Maverick who is now an accounts executive at a communications company.

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