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Lord, hear our prayers for dear Msholozi, ‘Sho’t Le...

DM168

SATIRE

Lord, hear our prayers for dear Msholozi, ‘Sho’t Left’ Mbalula and Malindi, our most fearless Woman Warrior

Former president Jacob Zuma. (Photo: Leila Dougan)

One wonders what our elected officials asked for when they met Jacob Zuma at Nkandla recently for a prayer meeting – good health (but not too good) for the nation’s great leader? Here’s a (secret) transcription…

Attentive readers of the news (especially those in KwaZulu-Natal nervously expecting the next gang of looters arriving to clear out the supermarkets) will have noticed that a week or two ago most of the provincial government and that of the City of Durban went to Nkandla to have a prayer meeting with former president Jacob Zuma.

Clearly the ANC in KZN desperately needs to keep Zuma going, to maintain his profile as the paramount chief of looters. Until the provincial conference at least.

So we checked out a recording of the prayers prayed at Nkandla that day, provided to us by a rogue Crime Intelligence agent. Well, they’re all rogue, but this one is particularly needy because those billion-rand slush funds have dried up and the only way to make a living is to sell whatever information they can acquire to the highest bidder. We bought it for R4.50.

It’s all in isiZulu and because mlungus like me don’t understand the heavenly language, we had it transcribed by the Pan South African Language Board, then translated into English by Professor of Classical and Biblical Zulu at the University of KZN, Gingindlovu, Dingane Mpe. (Ellipses below represent passages unintelligible even to Prof Mpe.)

Reading that transcription and translation, we were especially impressed by the contribution of one Very Reverend Josias Makwagubelegubele, whose prayer for the former president, current jailbird and patron saint of the destruction of democratic institutions we found very moving.

It went, in part, like this: “Oh Lord, most high and powerful master of all, we beg you to protect our great leader and moral compass Jacob Zuma, as he fights courageously against ever having his day in court. We ask that you strengthen his arms, and possibly his feet, in this battle, which has been going on since about 2004, on and off…

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“You know, Lord, that this is all a CIA plot against him because, well, the CIA just really hates him, as it has done since about the mid-1960s, and has been prosecuting this malicious campaign against him, hoping to see him in jail sooner rather than later…

“So, Lord, yes, you have managed to fend off the forces of darkness for a few decades, but if you could perhaps rain down some fire and brimstone on the CIA, thus taking them out of the picture, that would be truly wonderful… No CIA, no trial! The charges against our glorious former leader obviously disappear, so that is our prayer…

“We also pray for Msholozi that he is cured of his mystery ailment, but not if curing that ailment is going to mean he has to go back to jail… So, perhaps, Lord, you can just keep that mystery ailment going for a while, but not in a way that causes Msholozi any actual suffering, because we really wouldn’t want him to feel under the weather in any way…

“And certainly not, Lord, when he has to advise our government in KZN on which leader should get on to which slate at the provincial electoral conference that’s just around the corner…

“We must have his view on who will be most useful to the faction of which he is the shining figurehead.

“We need to know who has the money to spread around the branches, and who can work the patronage networks most effectively now that Zandile Gumede has to do all her networking in secret…”

Prayer list

Rather eloquent, we thought. So we got hold of the Very Reverend Josias Makwagubelegubele and asked him about the power of prayer, which he said he could invoke for anyone willing to make a small(ish) donation to the Holy God Prosperity Blood of the Lamb Church & Funeral Parlour, of which he is the sole proprietor.

Rev Makwagubelegubele is in constant communication with God, he informed us, so he’s very up to date on who needs to be prayed for.

We asked him who, at this painful moment in South African history, he believes should be prayed for, and to that end we made a (reasonably) small donation to his Holy God Prosperity Blood of the Lamb Church & Funeral Parlour.

The people he needs to pray for most right now, said the reverend, are Ses’Fikile Mbalula and Lindiwe Sisulu. The former, as our readers will know, is the Minister of Taxis, and the latter is the most fearless Woman Warrior fighting indomitably against the Constitution and the rule of law. And then he prayed.

“Oh Lord,” he said loudly, in his strong, deep voice, “please keep an eye on your faithful servant Fikile ‘Sho’t Left’ Mbalula as he negotiates with those trucker friends of ours who are presently blockading the M3, or is it the N3? Either way, Lord, you know your way around an AA map or a GPS app, so you’ll know where they are.

“Our dear minister of taxis is also the minister of trucks, especially delivery trucks, so he has to cut a deal with them…

“We pray, Lord, that he can arrest a few illegal foreign drivers, to show he’s serious about the truckers’ xenophobic demands, and that he can thrust from his mind the thought that he’s cravenly giving in to blackmail… Yes, he can posture and tweet later, and present whatever he’s done as a victory for good governance, thank you, Lord.”

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Rev Makwagubelegubele then turned to the matter of Ms Sudoku, sorry, Sisulu (our journalists are working on old phones with compromised spellcheckers because of load shedding). “Oh Lord,” he cried, “pour out thy mercy upon MaLindi, who is under vicious attack from radical constitutionalists and, in fact, a few judges. She didn’t mean that all judges are mentally colonised. Just a few.

“Please help her, Lord, to remember who those bad apples are so that she can name them and clear this up. If she only has vague generalisations to offer, she’s just going to look like an EFF MP, not that there’s anything wrong with that…

“We pray that when the elective conference rolls around at year-end, Lord, you will stand by our sister Lindiwe as she makes another stab at the ANC presidency, and yes, I mean stab… Because if she’s president, then our beloved Msholozi will be safe… Thank you, Lord, amen.”

And we all say, “Amen”. DM168

Shaun de Waal is a writer and editor.

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R25.

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All Comments 5

  • I see no one commenting finds this funny yet. Keep trying Shaun. Try a little further away from the truth … it might make us smile.

  • Amazing has no clue as to what it takes to create value, but knows how to consume value created by others extremely effectively. Thinks it’s like manner from heven. Almost as bad… corrupt… as our politicians and (unethical) lawyers…

    • Amazing …. I was going to ask the same question ! Maybe both of us should seek out this prayer master … for a definitive anwser ? On the other hand … the inscrutably loquacious dilly Dali (at a fee obviously – and who makes judges look stupid with his profundity in the legal profession ) could have the perfect answer !

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