First Thing, Daily Maverick's flagship newsletter

Join the 230 000 South Africans who read First Thing newsletter.

The wolves are circling: Long live Melania Trump

Maverick Life

SATIRICALLY SPEAKING (SORT OF)

The wolves are circling: Long live Melania Trump

US First Lady Melania Trump takes phone calls from children as she participates in tracking Santa Claus' movements with the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) Santa Tracker on Christmas Eve in the East Room of the White House on December 24 2018 in Washington, DC. This is the 63rd consecutive year that NORAD has publicly tracked Santa’s sleigh on its global rounds. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

“Scam today before today scams you” – @joanneprada 2016

Let me be the first to express my delight at the news that FLOTUS and POTUS are doing well and recovering from that darn China virus. As Fox News’ unceasingly fair and balanced Steven Hilton put it, Trump’s recovery is a “powerful symbol of America’s recovery”.

So inspiring, so MAGA, A.

Frankly I’m not surprised – this family is a gold mine of inspirational moments and quotes. No doubt you’ve heard the audiotapes of Melania Trump, recently broadcast by the Clinton News Network, aka CNN #FakeNews. Back in July 2018, the First Lady’s former adviser, former confidante and current snake with a book deal, Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, secretly recorded her phone calls with Mel.

Wolkoff held on to the tapes for over two years, and suddenly, in August 2020, mid-pandemic, her book, Melania and Me: The Rise and Fall of my Friendship with the First Lady, hit the shelves. And in October, a little over a month after publication, and a little over a month before the elections, she shared the two-year-old tapes with heiress Gloria Vanderbilt’s son on CNN.

Ugh, honestly, who needs enemies with reptiles like these?

Bet she thought she would destroy Mel. Actually, the FLO’s unyielding authenticity, insight and industrious nature just shone through the betrayal as she spoke for all of us, sharing thoughts that could possibly cause a radical cultural shift. On one hand, her insights could single-handedly destroy capitalism’s commodification of the Lamb of sky God’s annual birth celebrations; on the other, she enlightened us on the real needs of immigrant children. Keep in mind, dear reader, that she too is an immigrant; who better to know what the children of immigrants really need?

Lessons from Melania: Nobody gives a f**k about Christmas

It’s that time of the year, and even as 2020 has chosen to treat humanity like disposable trash, big business is once again getting ready to bombard us with Christmas campaigns in its plight to rob many of us of the few cents 2020 has left us with.

Millionaire Mel don’t play that… you can’t scam a scammer. Like the great social media sensation of 2016 and 2017, Joanne the Scammer (@joanneprada) once tweeted on June 28, 2016, “Scam today before today scams you.” Mel gets it.

“I’m working my ass off with the Christmas stuff that, you know; who gives a f**k about Christmas stuff and decorations? But I need to do it, right?” she is heard telling Wolkoff on the tapes.

This statement alone is worth a thesis. She captures a number of key issues with contemporary society: she speaks of industriousness, sacrifice, commodification of religion by big business, and the anti-feminist gendered expectations placed on American first ladies.

Of all the wonderful qualities she has to offer, America boxes Mel in and expects her to decorate rose gardens and Christmas trees. Not that she is incapable of great taste – she is. Admittedly, America is not quite ready for her appetite for things golden. I encourage you, dear reader, to familiarise yourself with the gilded Trump Tower apartment the Trumps called home before they were forced to move into the drab White House for the sake of the ‘murrican people.

Decorated in 24k gold and marble, pretty much from floor to ceiling, with furniture in the faux 17th-century style of Louis XIV, it is quite remarkable. Keep your latter-day minimalism to your unimaginative self. Stop this war on the imagination! More is more; more is MAGA. Great taste shines. And if you’re gonna dig for gold, you should proudly display the fruits of your labour for all to witness. Love to see it!

But I digress.

“They would not do the story. We put it out. They would not do the story,” she is heard saying on the tapes, sounding as though she is on the verge of tears. My heart breaks into little pieces. She gathers herself: “Yeah, if I go to Fox they will do the story. I don’t want to go Fox.”

Mel, an independent thinker, an intellectual, a subversive revolutionary with perfect hair, also encourages us to question tradition: “Who gives a f**k about Christmas stuff and decorations?”

Thankfully, these days, one can do a fair amount of “Christmas stuff and decorations” shopping online. Understandably, Mel, like this writer, grew up at a time where we actually had to leave our homes and hit the malls for Christmas shopping – malls likely to be filled with germ-spreading humans. I can only imagine she is still as traumatised as I am from growing up in the era of irl shopping.

Knowing her husband’s well-documented aversion to germs and proximity to human flesh other than his own, I’m going to assume that she too is something of a practising germaphobe. Imagine then, all the humans she has had to encounter while Christmas shopping in her previous life as Melania Knauss. The families, the moms and dads and their spawn, lacking the refinement of a Baron, Tiffany, Ivanka, Donald Jr, and the other one whose name escapes me… rhymes with thick, I think.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

However, being the hard-working immigrant she is, even with her enlightened insights on the Christmas industrial complex, Mel pushed forth in a spirit of self-sacrifice, she decorated the damn tree. You would think this great act of selflessness would be enough to keep the masses happy and guarantee a 2nd and maybe 3rd Trump term to make America great again, again and again.

But no. The ingrates stayed true to the reptilian character.

“Okay, and then I do it and I say that I’m working on Christmas and planning for the Christmas and they said, ‘Oh, what about the children that they were separated?’ Give me a f**king break!”

It always comes down to the children, doesn’t it? When they run out of valid arguments, the deep state demonrats will always weaponise the children. That last sentence from Mel, “Give me a f**king break!” – it cuts right through the heart, doesn’t it? First, the patriarchy relegates her to decorator, then, as she altruistically gives of herself and gold standard taste – and I imagine decorating a Christmas tree to inspire a nation must be quite hard labour for Melania, her assistants and her decorators – the voting ingrates want her to handle the foreign affairs portfolio too!

Give the lady a f**king break!

Nevertheless, she pushes on.

“I cannot go… I was trying to get the kid reunited with the mom. I didn’t have a chance – [it] needs to go through the process and through the law.”

See? She tried to reunite a kid. With a mom. And right there and then, displaying the incredible foresight that landed her a gilded Manhattan apartment and the White House as one of her homes, she knew there was no point in continuing to try to maybe unite a second child, with a second mother. The whole thing needed to go “through the process and through the law”. She really is an amazing example of the kind of immigrant her husband speaks of – one with respect for law and order. You can tell she’s not from a shithole country.

Never mind those pictures of kids in cages, some sleeping on the floor with a piece of foil as a blanket, that the deep state, left-wing media played on repeat for days. Mel’s got the alternative facts; the inside intel as it were: “The kids, they say, ‘Wow I will have my own bed? I will sleep on the bed? I will have a cabinet for my clothes?’ It’s so sad to hear it but they didn’t have that in their own countries, they sleep on the floor. They are taken care of nicely there.”

Bravo America, land of the free.

“But you know, yeah, they are not with parents, it’s sad. But when they come here alone or with coyotes [human traffickers] or illegally, you know, you need to do something.”

Mexico really must get to it and pay for that damn wall already.

But of all Mel’s wisdom shared in these tapes, I, as a member of the media, am most inspired, invigorated even, by her respect for the integrity of the fourth estate. When the libs and their propaganda machines, CNN and MSNBC, would not cover the story of her great sacrifice re: Christmas tree, she would not be so desperate as to stoop to soliciting coverage from Fox News. The lady has standards.

“They would not do the story. We put it out. They would not do the story,” she is heard saying on the tapes, sounding as though she is on the verge of tears. My heart breaks into little pieces. She gathers herself: “Yeah, if I go to Fox they will do the story. I don’t want to go Fox.”

Oh, the integrity! The class! Never mind a third Trump term to make America great again, again and again; let me say what I know we’re all thinking and hoping for: #Melania2024.

As for greedy sneaky scammy secretly tapey Wolkoff, just fokoff already. To quote Mel’s stunning parka jacket – that one she wore back when she got on a plane and unsuccessfully tried to reunite that one kid with that one mum – “I really don’t care. Do U?” DM/ML

Gallery

Comments - share your knowledge and experience

Please note you must be a Maverick Insider to comment. Sign up here or sign in if you are already an Insider.

Everybody has an opinion but not everyone has the knowledge and the experience to contribute meaningfully to a discussion. That’s what we want from our members. Help us learn with your expertise and insights on articles that we publish. We encourage different, respectful viewpoints to further our understanding of the world. View our comments policy here.

All Comments 20

Please peer review 3 community comments before your comment can be posted