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No longer keeping up with the Kardashians: A heartfelt goodbye to a complicated matriarchy

No longer keeping up with the Kardashians: A heartfelt goodbye to a complicated matriarchy
Kim Kardashian reads a Louisville Courier Journal newspaper featuring herself at the 2nd Annual Derby Spectacular celebration at Glassworks on May 1, 2009 in Louisville, Kentucky. (Photo by Jeff Gentner/Getty Images)

‘The devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder’

(A friendly trigger warning to Kardashian-Jenner-Clan-hating snowflakes: Now would be a good time to leave us fans of the greatest television matriarchy of the 21st century alone and move on to the next article. But perhaps you’ve already drank your daily dose of haterade, in which case you’re welcome to skip this article and head straight to the comments section and spew forth your ill-considered disdain for one of the great families of our time. Stay blessed. Choose peace. Thank you.)

Seeing as 2021 will mark the 20th and final season of the greatest and most consequential show that has ever existed in the history of humans showing things on television, it is only right to celebrate the matriarch whose leadership and dedication to her family gave us the greatest and most consequential show that has ever existed in the history of humans showing things on television.

NEW YORK, NY – SEPTEMBER 14: (EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE)Apple Store Soho Presents Meet The Developers: Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kendall Jenner, Kylie Jenner and Kourtney Kardashianat attends the Apple Store Soho on September 14, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images)

(L-R) Khloe Kardashian, Lamar Odom, Kris Jenner, Kendall Jenner, Kourtney Kardashian, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Caitlin Jenner and Kylie Jenner attend Kanye West Yeezy Season 3 on February 11, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for Yeezy Season 3)

After all, it was she, this force of nature, who marched into Ryan Seacrest’s office in 2006, and pitched the show that would change the world and make her family fabulously rich. All rise for a true woman of destiny.

Kristen Mary mother****ing Jenner!

Without the right kind of parenting, children might stray from the righteous path; even among siblings, a lack of empathy and compassion could fester. Not so with the Kardashian-Jenner-Clan. Not on Kris Jenner’s watch.

Who could forget that morning back in 2008, when one of Kris’s daughters, Khloe, had to turn herself in because she violated her probation after getting charged with driving under the influence a year earlier or something.

Naturally, the refreshingly transparent family documented the morning on their genre-defining show, Keeping up with the Kardashians.

“TMZ is stationed at every gate with their cameras,” Mother Jenner warns her daughters as they get their hair and make-up ready for jail and paparazzi.

Like any parent concerned about their child’s tardiness, Jenner reprimands her daughters, “we have 10 minutes….,” before she could complete her sentence, would-be jailbird Khloe butts in, displaying incredible agency:

“Mooooom, suck my fanny!”

That mouth would serve her well in jail no doubt. Ugh, they raise them so well these Kardashians; they equip them with everything they might need for life’s eventualities.

The fam, the entourage, and the cameras jump into their big black SUV. On their way to jail, Jenner displays concern for her felon daughters’ nourishment. Looking at Khloe, she says:

“We could go to like, ihop… if we get really close and have a whole bunch of time, do you wanna have breakfast?”

A mother’s love. I cried. You may not know this dear reader, but prison breakfast is really not great. A good parent knows that when driving your kids to jail, make sure they get a good franchise restaurant breakfast. I’m taking notes.

After all, Khloe was facing 30 days of prison time. At the time, Khloe’s older sister, then a much younger and less enlightened Kim Kardashian than the selfless leader we know today, was busy snapping selfies in the back seat. At that moment, Jenner uttered the greatest 13 word sentence in all of parenting history:

“Kim would you stop taking pictures of yourself? Your sister’s going to jail!”

I believe without that admonishment 13 years ago, Kim Kardashian-West would not have ended Zuckerberg’s commodification of hate-for-profit on 16 September 2020, #StopHateForProfit.

Let me elaborate.

Kim Kardashian West speaks during an East Room event on “second chance hiring” June 13, 2019 at the White House in Washington, DC. President Donald Trump held the event to highlight the achievements of Second Chance hiring and workforce development. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Kim Kardashian-West, the seventh most followed human on Instagram, took a stand for humanity on 16  September 2020. In that moment, she became the human embodiment of pre-paedo-controversy Michael Jackson’s 1991 hit, Heal the World. She did as the king of pop once instructed us: she gave us a masterclass in selflessness and took a major step to “Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race”.

For 24 hours, this holy saint of the church of Instagram did not post on FB and Instagram.

On 15 September, just two days before the launch of Keeping up with the Kardashians’ 19th and penultimate season, St Kim posted on Twitter:

“I love that I can connect directly with you through Instagram and Facebook.”

We love it too Kim, we really do.

“But I can’t sit by and stay silent while these platforms continue to allow the spreading of hate, propaganda and misinformation – created by groups to sow division and split America apart – only to take steps after people are killed. Misinformation shared on social media has a serious impact on our elections and undermines our democracy. Please join me tomorrow when I will be ‘freezing’ my Instagram and FB account to tell Facebook to #StopHateForProfit.”

Goosebumps.

It’s the selflessness for me. For 24 hours, this holy saint of the church of Instagram did not post on FB and Instagram. Zuckermountain surely got the message, Biden will win the election, #QAnon will retreat back into the dark web, Republicans will wear masks and all will be well again. The revolution will be televised.

Okay sure, other less talented and sort of famous types like Ashton Kutcher, Leonardo DiCaprio, Naomi Campbell, Paula Abdul, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jennifer Lawrence, Katy Perry and others were also part of the campaign. But who cares; only Kim can #StopHateForProfit. The whole thing was probably Kim’s idea anyway.

But I digress – back to Khloe, who, thankfully, after turning herself in, served only three hours of her 30-day sentence, because like… jail was overcrowded and stuff. Bless America, the land of the free.

We’re talking about 18 seasons and 13 years of Kardashian greatness here: unsurprisingly there are so many moments of exemplary Jenner parenting to quote. But there’s a pandemic out there and we must make haste. However, this article wouldn’t be complete if we didn’t take a moment to call out the hateful villainisation of the great Mother Jenner.

Every other day on the Internet, some twitter troll, some would-be meme-lord, posts:

“The devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder.”

Of course, yes, the sentiment about her industriousness is true. She really does work hard. But the demonising of this woman’s hard work? Enough already with these lazy internet tropes. To quote a dear friend of Kim K-W, the US presso Donald Trump, back in 2016, when he accurately described these losers behind keyboards:

“It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK?”

#NoHate #LoveYourself #BodyPositive #TrollsComeInAllSizes

And it’s not just the trolls that love to demonise the holy matriarch. In 2019, Forbes jumped in on the act. After naming Jenner’s daughter, Kylie Jenner, the youngest Forbes billionaire and making her a cover star, they turned around in May 2020 and got technical about some paperwork, and basically accused Kris Jenner and her daughter of fraud and wrote a whole article about how they were lied to and Kylie was never a dollar billionaire in the first place. Seriously, whatever, #fakenews.

They came to some conclusion that Kylie was worth $900-million dollars. Well, joke’s on them because that’s, like, R15-billion, so she IS a billionaire. Screw American imperialism anyway because, like… why be a dollar billionaire when you can be, like, a rand billionaire? #StopTheBillionaireHate #RandBillionairesArePeopleToo #AllBillionairesMatter #RandBillionairesMatter

“You’re doing amazing sweetie.”

Now dear reader, understandably some of you might be, or might know, young parents not yet well versed in the journey of parenthood and in need of guidance, to truly understand what it means to support and guide a child. Learn from this moment back in 2007 when a young – and perhaps a touch ungrateful – Kim was nervous about doing her very first Playboy shoot, which her industrious mom had organised for her.

“Just relax and take a deep breath okay?” Kris advised, while Kim sat in the make-up chair, stressing.

“Maybe we could do, like, a mother-daughter issue,” she tells Kim a couple of minutes later.

As the shoot began, with Kim in a low-cut bodysuit, then a two-piece bikini, the photographer challenged Kim to take everything off. She’s uncomfortable and tells her mother so.

Kris Jenner, the momager who has gone beyond the call of duty and made her family dynastically wealthy, while only taking a mere 10% tithe from their earnings as reported by hateful Forbes, reassures her daughter:

“From the get-go, this was what they call a celebrity photoshoot, and you don’t have to take your clothes off at all. What they want you to do is to take all your clothes off… so that they can cover you with stuff.”

Eventually, Kim took off her clothes, and they covered her “with stuff”, specifically a string of pearls. Meanwhile, Kris cheered her daughter on, and gave the world another classic Kris Jenner phrase that would launch a thousand memes,

“You’re doing amazing sweetie.”

A mother’s love.

Later, Kim would return the favour by organising her mom her very own nude photoshoot, to, as Kim says, “give her a taste of what it’s like to be uncomfortable naked”.

Kris loved it, mother and daughter bonded. With her legs up in the air, spread wide, facing the camera, with only what looked like an American flag strategically placed so as to avoid an XXX rating, Kris exclaims,

“I feel like I’m at the gynaecologist’s office!”

Next pose, she’s kneeling on a chaise longue, flag covering her behind… she’s wearing a gold medal around her neck, holding it out towards the camera.

Kim giggles nervously and cheers her on:

“Going for the gold, you’re digging for gold. You should be used to that.”

The heart melts. DM/ML

 

 

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  • Rodney Weidemann says:

    I’m of the opinion that the ultimate and direct result of America’s fascination with this vapid, insipid clan of fame-halls (read the two ‘l’s as silent for best effect), and all the other trashy reality rubbish that has clogged up TV screens for years – ‘Real Housewives’, ‘Big Brother’, ‘The Bachelor/ette’, ‘Honey Boo Boo’ and an endless stream of others, much like the stream from someone with loose bowels – was the US electing an idiotic, narcissistic, 3rd rate reality TV star as their president…..which wouldn’t bother me so much if the rest of the world didn’t have to pay the price for their stupidity!!

  • Sam Joubs says:

    You are what you watch Malibongwe and please don’t take it as a compliment…

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