In the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I had a fight in front of my family during a summer holiday. It was embarrassing to argue in front of my family and obviously stressful for everyone present. We were responsible for spoiling the mood during a relaxing family lunch and creating unnecessary tension. The next day, we had to apologise and check in with each person to make sure they were okay, clearly not having yet learned the skill of choosing the right time and place to talk about our personal issues.

What I have learned, both privately and in my years as a clinical psychologist, is that being upset and having something to say doesn’t mean that “now” indicates the right time or place to say it. Feeling like talking doesn’t mean that the conversation should take place instantly — because the success of your conversation is often about choosing the best time and place for talking.

When it’s definitely not the time and place

It’s never a good time to have a conversation if you’re intoxicated (after drugs, or two-plus drinks), exhausted, time pressured or hungry; if you’re feeling “hormonal”, too upset or angry to keep your emotions contained; or if you’re stressed, distracted, or simply not in the mood.

The worst places to have your conversation? In your car (especially if you don’t have the option of leaving), in front of your children, friends or family, in public, in your bedroom (especially in bed), when the television is on, or when you’re busy on your phone, laptop or tablet.

At times like these, you should learn to calm down, gather your thoughts and decide when you both think it might be a good time to talk. You might be wondering then, when is a good time to have that talk? Most couples I meet live very full and stressful lives. The secret is to book a time in your busy schedules for talking and to create a safe space for doing so. In this way you honour your love and respect your relationship by giving it the time and importance it deserves.

This is what it means to prioritise your relationship: to give it a special moment in time, a moment in your busy lives, in which it gets your respectful attention, above all else in your life.

Put it there, even if it weighs a ton

When you don’t like how your partner is speaking to you, or how they’re behaving, or when you start losing control of your emotions, use the relationship skill of putting your upsets on the shelf or having a “time-out”. It involves putting the conversation to one side and picking it up later when you both feel prepared and calm enough to speak about things respectfully.

When one partner feels like talking or sharing, it may not be the right time or place for the other, so the person who wants to talk might feel rejected if the other person doesn’t want to engage. This may result in things getting out of control very quickly. But when you “park” a conversation, your intention is not to avoid or even ignore each other’s experiences — it’s just relationship self-care.

When you put a topic on the shelf because you’re too upset to talk right then and there, it’s best not to leave it there for more than 24 to 48 hours. Your promise to each other is that you’ll pick up the conversation within the next day or two. The sooner you’re ready to talk, the better.

There are a few tricks to help make your need to talk visible. For example, place a glass jar (or list) somewhere you can both see it and drop conversation topics into it as they arise. If you don’t like the idea of a jar, make a list of things to discuss that are practical for you. In this way, you can see when a topic is open for discussion.

If you’ve decided that a topics jar or something similar won’t work for you, simply indicate your need for talking by saying, “I need to speak to you”/or by asking, “When would be a good time to sit down and talk?” Most couples I see in my practice view the words, “When can we talk?” as a warning, and “I am in trouble” or “Here comes a fight” are standard thoughts. These reactions often come from a history of conversations turning into fights and blame cycles, where one partner is usually the offender.

 Of course, the words you use as an invitation to talk require careful consideration: and every relationship needs to find kind requests that flag the need to for a heart-to-heart. It should always be an invitation to heal, not hinder.

Asking for a break from the argument is not a skill that you use to avoid conversations. It’s simply a tool to protect your relationship — an essential skill to stop the damage in a moment of upset; a smart way to take better care of each other. ML

Stefan Blom is a clinical psychologist who specialises in relationships. He lives and works in Cape Town and is the author of The Truth About Relationships (translated into Afrikaans and Romanian).

http://blom.studio/relationships

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