Out in the real world, South Africans know we are in the midst of a political crisis. Everywhere you turn citizens, civil society, business leaders, former ministers, ANC stalwarts and opposition party leaders have been hashtagging, marching, speechmaking, open-letter-writing, united in condemnation of President Jacob Zuma’s violation of his oath of office and the Constitution.

It is rare for South Africans to be so allied in a common understanding that the leader of our country is really bad news, not only for us, but for the 104-year old ANC. In that sense, ironically, President Zuma has united the country in its collective disgust and outrage as well as simple old gatvolness at the lies, deceit and political double-speak.

The scales have fallen from our eyes and last Friday all the country’s religious leaders, including the South African Council of Churches and the National Religious Leaders Council, met with top ANC officials and called on the party to ask President Zuma to step down. The meeting was unprecedented in South Africa’s democratic history.

“Zuma did not apologise for Nkandla. He only apologised for frustration and confusion. We cannot accept his apology because we are not confused,” said the Methodist Church’s Bishop Ziphozihle Siwa.

Over in the parallel universe that the Women’s League inhabits, the world looks very different. Here, league secretary Meokga Matuba said the league “respects all sectors of society and individual views (um, no it is not an individual view, it is the court’s view) regarding the outcome of the ConCourt ruling pertaining to the Nkandla presidential homestead upgrade (actually it is a private homestead but let’s allow the league to enjoy their fantasy)”. The league also welcomed, said Matuba, the platform provided by the ANC that all sectors of society are encouraged to approach the ANC and make submission of their views.

However…

“It is our view that sectors approaching the ANC should be mindful of their doctrine principles and should not be influenced by political views on the matter. We have made an observation on the rewriting of the Bible in terms of ‘forgiveness’ by certain faith-based leaders, in particular from Christian faith, where they adamantly indicated that they will not forgive President Jacob Zuma.”

This, according to the league, is just not Christian enough.

“We want to remind them unless there was a conference to amend the Bible, in our understanding in Christian faith that forgiveness is not optional but should be offered as an unwarranted favour as guided by the scriptures. Even the well-known Lord’s Prayer talks of: ‘…. And Forgive us Our Trespasses, as we Forgive those who Trespass against Us’.”

And no one needs his trespasses forgiven more than President Jacob Zuma, for these are many and it is written such in the newspapers — for many years now.

“We reject the selective interpretation of the Biblical scriptures by men of cloth when submitting their views regarding the ConCourt ruling on Nkandla. It has exposed their political biasness (sic) into the matter instead of remaining within their doctrine principles,” Matuba preached.

So grave is the corruption of the scriptures by the clergy that the league is now calling on its vast numbers of members to “confront these men of the cloth and demand clarity on the misinterpretation of the Bible and request an apology from them”.

For it is you, South Africans, and the clergy, who are displeasing God and courting his wrath by not forgiving poor Jacob’s costly mistakes. And it is you who owe us an apology, not the other way around.

Even worse, said the league, these men of the cloth were displaying “tendencies”, a cardinal sin in South Africa.

“We encourage our members who are voluntarily part of these faith-based formations that have taken a political factional stance to reject those tendencies that are perpetrated by some men of cloth who want to serve a certain political agenda to discredit the ANC President (He needs anyone’s help?). Our members who are in those Christian institutions must rise up and be like Deborah, Miriam, Huldah, Noadiah, Racheal (sic), Hannah, Abigail, Ruth, Sarah and many women who are cited in the Bible as great leaders.”

Drag the clergy off to “classes” and “release them from the pulpit” so that they can join politics on a full-time basis rather than being “staff-riders”, proselytised Her Holiness Matuba.

All roads, she said, are now leading to the ANC Manifesto (her caps) launch on the 16 April 2016 in Port Elizabeth and Matuba called on all members of the league “to come in numbers and get the marching orders from the ANC as staff riders and wedge-drivers have intensified their war to divide the ANC and enforce regime change”.

“ANCWL reiterates that we welcome and accept the apology provided by the President Jacob Zuma. ANC Leads! ANC Lives!”

We end with a prayer by Father Chester Missing: “Our Father, who art in Nkandla, hallowed be thy kraal, thy chicken run and the Gupta’s will be done, on Earth as it is in KZN. Amen” DM

Photo: Forgive us, Michelangelo.