South Africa

SA politics, betting edition

By Paul Berkowitz 3 May 2013

Times are tough for the average South African. Electricity and food prices are rising steeply. Izikhothane are now spitting Oros at each other because Ultra-Mel has become too dear. Luckily for our readers, Daily Maverick is hosting a brand-new online betting site (until Minister Davies shuts it down). Winners know when to stop. Losers are just winners with bad timing. Roll up, roll up and place your bets. By PAUL BERKOWITZ.

We’ve written about gambling before in this newspaper. It’s a controversial pastime and it can lead to financial ruin and blah blahblah. It’s also a very South African activity: it’s fun, not entirely savoury, and it offers a quick path to riches without any hard work or application. So without further ado, we present you with this week’s hot bets.

Who is most likely to make the circle bigger?

The Zuma administration is having a rough time of it this month, and there’s still another four weeks of May to go. It is a time-honoured tradition (stretching back to at least 2010) that when the going gets tough, the tough throw the lamest member of their herd to the wolves and bring some fresh blood into the fold.

The trouble is that the current deck has been reshuffled so often that some of the cards are sticky and creased. The administration may have to look farther and farther afield for new recruits, including (quelle horreur!) extending the olive branch to former enemies and critics.

Below are the Maverick’s side-bets for a surprise addition to government:

  • Joel Netshitenzhe – 8/1
  • Tony Leon – 20/1
  • Julius Malema – 200/1
  • Thabo Mbeki – make us an offer

Occupy Saxonwold

How much joy has the Gupta wedding afforded the nation? The country pretends that our national sport is soccer but let’s be honest: we much prefer to be outraged. Thanks to the Guptas we now know that living in sub-Saharan Africa actually means being the peons of a bunch of travelling computer salesmen. What is the most outrageous request that the Guptas have made of their clientele?

  • Ajay added a line item to the Department of Basic Education’s 2013 budget vote, asking for the appointment of two deputy directors-general in case he needs something Googled – 10/1
  • At a recent birthday party thrown for one of the Gupta children, Atul asked Khulubuse Zuma if he would deputise as a jumping castle – 20/1
  • Rajesh told the Zoo Lake Moyo branch that the family would only patronise the establishment if the staff appeared in whiteface – 100/1
  • The Guptas persuaded Amitabh Bachchan* to perform at the wedding and smuggled him on board Gupta Force One – make us an offer

Pay to play

A lot has been made of the recently-proposed Business Licensing Bill and the baleful effect it will have on small businesses in South Africa. What the whiny free-market nancies in the media don’t know (and haven’t commented on) is that the original draft of the bill was much, much worse. Which of the following clauses was excised from the current draft of the bill?

  • A local procurement drive to supply soap, squeegees and buckets to all informal car washers – 15/1
  • A 30% local content minimum for all buskers at Rosebank Mall paypoints – 30/1
  • In a bid to combat soil erosion in the area, all patrons of Mpumalanga B&Bs would be required to weigh in before and after going to the toilet, and to pay a penalty to the provincial government based on the difference between the two figures – make us an offer

If you are tired of wasting your money on things like bread, milk and other people’s airport taxes, why not make use of our convenient online gambling service? More reliable than Roadlink, cheaper than a date with Khanyi and more entertaining than re-runs of Aziz Patel’s best press statements, you won’t be disappointed.

Terms and conditions apply: the Daily Maverick is not an authorised financial services provider; players must be old enough to recognise satire, no matter how forced or indistinguishable from the truth; gambling can be addictive and lots of fun. DM

* For all you goras, Amitabh Bachchan is the most famous Bollywood actor ever. To Indian people he is like Chuck Norris and Tom Cruise rolled into one. And gora is the Hindi word for mlungu.

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