SA threatens to condemn unnamed African tyrants with potential angry gift basket

South Africa has taken its hardest line yet against countries that may or may not be Zimbabwe and Libya, warning the unnamed leadership of both anonymous countries that further human rights abuses will force South Africa to send them a gift basket with some of the liqueurs taken out.

In its most strongly worded statement since it threatened to send slightly-below-export-quality oranges to the military junta in Burma, the government condemned using violence against unarmed civilians and rigging elections, unless both were happening in Limpopo.

However, South African officials refused to name either Robert Mugabe or Muammar Gaddafi specifically, saying that “naming and shaming is so whiny white liberal”.

Asked why the African Union had never before condemned either despot, international relations spokesman Neville Chamberlain-Mpofu explained that both rulers were “tricky cases”.

“They’re not technically African,” he said. “At least, they’re African when we need to use them to sell ourselves as revolutionaries, but when they butcher their own people, then we are pretty sure they’re not African.”

He said that at the moment neither Mugabe or Gaddafi was African.

“If you think about, both Zimbabwe and Libya are quite far north of us,” said Chamberlain-Mpofu. “Harare is a lot closer to London than Pretoria, and Libya is basically Italy.

“Technically they’re both European dictatorships. I mean, the one guy is called Robert. Not Sizwe or Thabo. Robert. That’s lank plummy.”

He added that “the Libyan guy looks like Mickey Rourke after a hectic session in a tanning salon, and Mickey Rourke is American, so really this has nothing to do with Africa, when you really think hard about it”.

But, he said, if the government decided that stronger action was required, it would almost certainly send a “stingingly incomplete gift basket” to Harare and Tripoli.

ANC Youth League accuses Mandela of being Nazi white-supremacist

Just days after branding Trevor Manuel a right-winger, the ANC Youth League has accused international icon Nelson Mandela of “espousing vicious Nazi white-supremacist hate” and has called for him to be tried for crimes against humanity in The Hague.

According to ANCYL spokesman Goldfish Mxenge, Manuel’s “insane Ku Klux Klan-like outburst of race-bile” had its origins in a “history of vile white-supremacist fascism” invented by Mandela and other ANC veterans.

He said a team of ANCYL researchers, hand-picked for their ability to read without moving their lips, had found “ancient documents” exposing the “Nazi fanaticism” of Mandela’s “evil racist cabal”.

“It’s there in black and white,” said Mxenge. “In 1964 this closet Hitler we call Madiba said that he had fought against white domination and against black domination.

“Fought against black domination: What the fuck is up with that?”

He said that somewhere along the line Mandela had been “driven mad by his loathing for the African”, and that his “mantra of hate” had poisoned the minds of future generations like Manuel.

“Every South African patriot understands that democracy is black domination. How can you fight democracy? Next thing you’ll be demanding service delivery, and then we’ll have to tear-gas you.”

Meanwhile the presidency has distanced itself from Jimmy Manyi’s statements that Indians had bargained their way to the top and that there were too many in senior management positions.

“As far as we know there are only three Indians in senior management positions in South Africa,” explained presidency spokesman Lickspittle Zulu. “Basically it’s Atul, Rajesh and Ajay Gupta – or as we call them, the Holy Trinity – and they dictate national policy. But for the rest it’s like a fielding practice at Eden Gardens: not an Indian in sight.”

Shell promises safe fracking, magic unicorns

Shell South Africa says its planned “fracking” project in the Karoo to search for subterranean gas will not damage the environment or pollute vast amounts of ground water. The energy giant also used the opportunity to unveil the discovery of a unicorn that can not only fly, but can grant wishes to whoever catches it in a net made of cobwebs.

Addressing the country’s one environmental journalist this morning, Shell SA spokesman Brent Kartel challenged critics to tunnel seven kilometres into the Earth’s crust to taste the water in aquifers under the Karoo.

“Before we frack it tastes like diarrhoea. After we frack it basically turns into lemonade. Cold, delicious lemonade. With naked girls swimming in it and having pillow-fights, except instead of pillows they’re using negligees soaked in champagne.”

Asked whether he was on crack, Kartel quickly moved on to Shell’s latest discovery: magic flying unicorns that grant wishes and sprinkle the world with rainbow-dust.

“They’re real,” he said. “They’re really really real.”

He then offered to show the journalist a unicorn, explaining that it was at the bottom of 4-kilometer deep fracking hole. She declined the invitation. DM