The world has been getting all excited about the discovery of the God particle. Many religious people, especially, seem to like the idea that religion and science can work together, that it is possible to believe in God without believing that he is a distinguished old gentleman sitting on a throne with a long white beard waving a magic wand up in the clouds.

But, internationally and in South Africa, many religious people have skipped over this discovery, because, let’s face it, science makes religion much less fun. Many of the most entertaining stories in the Bible, like the one about the world being created in seven days and the one about how it’s possible to live comfortably inside a giant fish for three days, are just flat out ruined when you get all scientific.  

But while the God particle may take a while to catch on in certain SA churches, according to some deeply religious South Africans there is a Satan particle that exists in any living organism, situation or occurrence. Just the other day, North West province human settlements and public safety MEC Nono Maloyi blamed a string of the region’s most hideous crimes on the devil, proving that, though, there may be no textbooks in Limpopo, North West province at least has plenty of Bibles. 

While Satan has been quiet for a while, he has been causing trouble in South Africa since way back. During Apartheid, he was often mentioned by the authorities as being up there with communism as one of the leading causes of trying to bring evil forces such as human rights to South Africa. 

After we got free, you would have thought Satan would have done the proper thing and emigrated to Australia. But no. In 2008, he forced an 18-year old kid in Krugersdorp to go on a rampage with a sword. And in April this year, a pastor in Evaton was accused of turning children into snakes, a crime that has Satan’s hoof-prints all over it. Just a look at how many times he pops up in South Africa’s most credible news source, The Daily Sun, on any given day, is proof that Satan is still at large. 

Famously, in 2000, Satan even got involved in South African sport, when he convinced Hansie Cronje that match fixing is okay, provided it makes you really, really rich. And, while he hasn’t directly been blamed, it is extremely difficult to understand Bafana Bafana’s performance for the last 10 years, at least, if we don’t hold Satan responsible. 

Cronje was a follower of pastor Ray McCauley’s Rhema Church, and the poor pastor himself has been known for becoming a victim of Satan from time to time, with Satan having to face accusations of forcing McCauley to have sex with women younger and more attractive than his wife. Clearly, Satan has a helluva lot to answer for. 

It doesn’t stop there. Satan is also guilty of a number of lesser crimes that, while not nearly as bad as the murders, he should still be held accountable for. I hear his voice in my head, telling me I must masturbate and eat KFC. On top of this, Satan has a long history of playing evil practical jokes on me. Just the other day, Satan hid my keys behind the couch in full knowledge that I was late for a show. So I can fully appreciate that he needs to be stopped.

If you see Satan (he’s pretty easy to spot – bright red skin, large horns, pitchfork, tail and little goatee like the ones popular in Welkom) please do not hesitate to contact the authorities. While the temptation to form a mob and necklace him is understandable, vigilante tactics are just the sort of thing Satan himself would condone. It is important to respect the correct legal processes. Like Wouter Basson, Satan is entitled to his day in court. Let’s just hope that he doesn’t get let off on a technicality. 

POSTSCRIPT

Satan has also been instrumental in one, final unspeakable act: Causing Lady Gaga to come to South Africa. If you don’t believe that this is the fault of Satan, see here. There’s even a special Facebook group trying to stop her from coming. But before the group was even started, and proving that I am always ahead of the curve in the fight against Satan, I posted the following on Facebook after seeing an alarming YouTube video: 

I have shocking news for those who were planning on attending Lady Gaga’s concert. This YouTube clip offers proof that she is a satanist. The clip is guaranteed to be 100 % factual for the following reasons: 

1) It’s on the internet. Everything on the internet is completely true. I read it on this one blog.

2) It has really creepy music. Any clip with music as creepy as this MUST be for realsies. 

3) It is a CONFESSION!!! This is much more serious than a plain old “confession”. It is in FULL CAPS with three exclamation marks, and anything written out like that demands to be taken SERIOUSLY!!!

4) In the clip, Lady Gaga says she had a dream about the devil. Everyone knows that everything that happens in dreams is real. A friend of mine once had a dream in which Napoleon turned into a ham sandwich and he ate him, which means my friend, sadly, is guilty of cannibalism, treason in the 18th century and breaking the Jewish laws of kashrut. 

I am sorry that Lady Gaga fans had to find out like this. I trust you will all do the right thing and boycott the concert. DM