Multiple times a day, people stop me in the street. “Julian, how do you do it?” they ask. If they’re attractive women (no bigger than size 8), I humour them. After all, they’re only human: who ISN’T interested in knowing how yours truly manages to break the global stranglehold on information control daily and still retain such unflappable calm?

I’ll be honest with you, it isn’t easy being Julian Assange. As I was saying to my good friend Jemima Khan just the other day, some mornings I wake up with the weight of the world on my shoulders. All the haters, all the doubters: they don’t understand the importance of my work. Without Wikileaks, the world would still assume that their global security was in safe hands, rather than resting with a bunch of imbecilic diplomats who communicate like teenage bitches passing notes in maths class.

They hate me, of course. They all hate me. Between you and me, they all want me dead. I rarely leave the house without a disguise these days. I like to dress as a black woman most of the time. It’s not that I’m scared of dying. What can God tell me that I don’t already know? But my early death would be nothing less than the greatest tragedy the information revolution has ever known. I owe it to humanity to stay alive. Possibly also to breed. Of course, I can’t have anything to do with raising children – I’m an international fugitive! But I owe it to the world to spread my seed as widely as possible. As I said to my good friend Bianca Jagger the other day, genes like this come along once, maybe twice in a millennium.

We’re in a tight spot at the moment, as you probably know. Those dinosaur media outlets that hated us so much for the speed and freedom of our epoch-defining revelations are revelling in our current financial difficulties. I’m not bitter, of course. I will only say that without the immoral crusade waged against us by the credit-card companies who have blocked donations to our site, we would likely be raking in two, three, four billion US dollars a day. You can buy my laptop on eBay at the moment. The bidding has only reached $300, which I’m disappointed by, but it’s inevitable: the CIA has eBay in its pocket. They’ve got them all in their pocket. The other day the man behind the counter in Starbucks overcharged me by 25p for my latte. You think that’s coincidence? They’re trying to break me. But they won’t succeed. I look at other martyr-heroes the world has known. Mandela, for instance. Great guy, take nothing away from him, but he didn’t think big enough. His revolutionary impact was limited to one country.

Julian Assange is for the whole world. Julian Assange is for all time. DM